*disgusted* not going back to school this Fall

Well I had an almost certain solution for paying for it but something came up that it didn't work out.. I don't feel like getting into it..

..tomorrow there might be a way but.. I doubt it.. I fucking have bad luck following me, I can move mountains, makes no difference.

I can't even go off about how disgusted I feel and stuff. I'm going in shut down mode.

 

What do you feel disgusted about?

*hugs*

 

that I've been trying to pay for school for the past 4 months and that it's not been working out.. and that that solution I had found was really gonna work out but it didn't at the last minute.. and that the back-up plan that I should know about tomorrow is probably not gonna work out either.. and that I have to pay *last delay* on Monday.

I don't wanna take a semester off. ANOTHER one. I hate it here, it brings me down, I need to go to school, too see my friends, and my boyfriend.

I just will probably check myself in an asylum until something comes up. Trying my hardest doesn't do anything, so fuck it.

 

Didn't the semester already start like a few weeks ago anyway??

 

maybe this is the universe's way of telling you you're on the wrong path....may not be want you want to hear but its something to think about

 

No like last week.. but the 15th is the last day to pay and not be dropped. I was gonna get my plane ticket for this week-end and start on Monday.

 

I don't believe in anything anymore. I don't give a fuck about anything anymore.

 

*hug* it isn't much, but it's the best I can do from here. I'll try and send you some of my luck (what little I have)

 

you could always spend this semester working so you have the money to go back next semester. i know it's not what you want to hear, but sometimes the only way out is through.
*hugs*

 

aww Penny, don't talk like that...
frustrating yes, I can't even imagine!! but try to look at it as an opportunity to experience, learn, and grow in other areas of life. Perhaps you'll find other talents and interests you never knew you had, just roll with it...

 

I understand how hard it is not getting what we want in life.

But is it really worth giving up?

I am trying to be real nice to you.

But the fact is you hit a nerve in me.

It would have been so easy for me to give up in life.

Years ago I lost the only person I have ever loved. She died in my arms.

After that I went into Post Traumatic Stress mode and ended up living in the streets. No one would have blamed me if I gave up.

I have seen horror in those streets.

Yes loosing the only one I loved and 4 years in the streets was hard. Did it break me? No.

It was a hard thankless job pulling my life back together. But I did it and now I am one of the wealthiest fuckers I know.

My point is you have a safe place to live. You can get a job and earn money to go to school. You have a good and creative mind.

One semester is nothing. If your relationship is real a few months will only make you two stronger.

Suggest you not give up. Sometimes the universe has better plans for us than we do.

 

I know all this.

Only I'm tired..

And I didn't even wanna go to school in the first place and only went to be close to the guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and I spent 100,000 euros on it already, so if I couldn't finish.. since I already lost the first thing.. it would really haunt me for the rest of my life.

And yes a semester is a lot. I already took a semester off last Fall and it was horrible. I had to work which was horrible, I became a coke-addict and had a horrible relationship.

Maybe this relationship will last but.. honestly for it to I'll have to go there (cause he won't come here, I'm always the one who goes everywhere for others), and not work.. I can't work in the U.S, I am not a resident. I can work when I'm in school only. Besides, do you know a job that'll pay me 10,000 dollars in 4 months? No, that doesn't exist.

And whatever.. I just don't even think there's gonna be a way in January anyways.. nothing works for me ever, I fucking do things few people my age or older even do or would ever do, yet life thanks me like this, well fuck it.

I am tired of being perseverant and optimistic and lalalala stupid fool in a world where all she'll be is fucked-over.

So ciao.

 

I have had to take the last 4 years off school. Chill.

If you don't feel like being cheerful and perseverant don't. Go take drugs, eat chocolate or sit around and do nothing. You will know what to do later on.

 

But it wouldn't bother me if *only* my life wasn't in the U.S now.. and I can't go back to it until I have school, that's the thing!

And I think I've made huge efforts after my accident to not give-up.. yet see how "the universe" thanks me?

 

I can send you 200 dollars.

I don't need money

 

haha.. I wish school cost only 200 bucks.

Why the fuck did I move out to the U.S in the first place.. ugh.. what a naive idiot I was to think it would be worth it.

I'm sorry, I'm just really bitter. But I don't think anyone can put themselves in my place, I don't know anyone who's done what I have. It's actually creepy I'm still around after all I've been put through. I'm a serious moron.

 

I can and I have.

 

I know.

 

So have numerous people here. The truth is some have had it even worse.

She is upset so I am not going to push the issue and tell her how absurd and ridiculous that last statement was.

 

But I also felt like giving up.

I am not always strong or rational.