The diary of a typical ex russian murderer adopted by MI6 day 1) I am off to Britain today, it really is the place to go if you are an ex russian spy that is now hated. Britain has promised to give me a warm welcome, they love Russian expat licensed assassins. Roger Nobjoy, the MI6 agent that will be my boss says that he would love to see me in action and has arranged for me to give a demonstration by going round the East End strangling, poisoning, and shooting people. I will be accompanied by his subordinates so they can see a master in action. I aim to snuff out about 20 members of the public day2) Demonstration over - they awarded me a medal and we are partying out tonight day3) hangover! First day at new job as chief assassin at MI6 day4) Told the British all the secrets moscow has - especially about that rat putin. MI6 is determined to help make britain a police state so that I will feel at home. day blah blah blah day 2567) Ate some blowfish at a Sushi restaurant owned by a British politician day 2569) Feeling poisoned - must be the blowfish day 2573) I'm gonna sue the ass off that bastard day 2574) Just learned the chef was away the day I ate the blowfish and the cleaner actually gutted this most poisonous of fishes day 2575) so ill day 2579) woke up after 3 days feeling ok - just learned MI6 are passing this off as a case of putins revenge - probably so the politician doesnt have to go to court day 2580) bastards it wasnt a british politician it was putin that owned the restaurant ! Now if only they can find that fuckin chef BTW dont let this put you off London sushi restaurants Remember London Sushi is to die for
Apparently radiation spray is the latest craze for a Christmas gift. I prefer the Christian De'or version, but I hear that Putin has brought out his own range called Essence de la Chernobyl.
I am almost certain my mom used to buy me radioactive spray when I was about 15 It had this ominous bright blue writing on the can, and smelt like a load of big cats having a shit together at a zoo after eating a herd of yak. I'm sure thats why they called it Lynx. Always remember it - terrible stuff - BTW why are spies so secretive - everyone thinks being a spy is cool ! They could make a friggin fortune if they just went on TV and told everyone what kind of stuff theyd been involved in - like murder and kidnapping and how theyre licensed to kill etc - they be like rockstars of the political world but theyre so unimaginative about how they use the media - they tend to blend in with ordinary people -I dont get it I always wanted to be a spy so I could shag loads of women like James Bond did - he's the only famous spy and look at his bank balance it must be about 3 billion quid everytime another one of his movies comes out. He's as famous as fucking and has no problem sorting out bad dudes even though I bet every single one of them has watched all the other movies. Whats the matter lately with spies? I mean the could dress flambouyantly and wear makeup like glamrock stars did and women would kill just to get a glimpse of a spy theyre that cool ! Is it because the makeup would run if they got into a carate fight with 15 armed russians or chinese?
The UK press ran with "BOOTIN' PUTIN" as a headline. It's okay, but it's no "HOW DO YOU SOLVE A PROBLEM LIKE KOREA?".
In French, fish is called poisson. Since the sushi was poisoned, perhaps it wasn't the Russians that killed him
