I decided to write down the things that torment my mind,maybe it will make me feel better since I have not many people to talk to. I practically have no friends.I practically have no family and some history of bad ex-relationships.lets start with the family situationad is kind of abusive and I barely even know him,lets say the only bond I have with him is the one between his cigarette and the scar on my left thigh.Mom is not dead,but shes not alive neither.I could have grown in a family with 3 siblings,if my dad hadnt forced the miscarriage.it almost happen with me too,he threw and ashner into my mothers head and left her on the floor bleeding. Since a very young age,less than one year old I can say,I remember strong violent fights between my parents.loosing toys over the window(mom doesnt have very good aiming)opening the underground part of my old polly pockets for the first time against moms head.opening dad´s head with a huggies pack.seeing my potty flying over the stairs into my dads head.Things have been getting worse through the years,specially since I started participating on the fights too,trying to make them stop.I remember one day dad beating hard mom and I running and positioning myself between them,then getting beaten too,when he stopped for awhile me and mom locked ourselves in the room next door,few seconds later I could hear dad trying to tumble the door down and screaming hes got the key and that hes coming in to kill us.I remember almost seeing mom die,I remember her having a very high fever,I remember seeing her screaming out in pain I remember dad doing nothing I remember mom´s words "if I die today,your dad has all the fault".The easy way would be them divorcing,but mom cant,dad says if they get a divorce he wont give her a cent.And mom doesnt want to expose me to living in the streets or under brigdes.I feel it is all my fault,if I were not here,everyone would be happy.Its so sad to see mom hasgiven up,not wanting to leave,just sleeping her life away.Ive always been some sort of social outcast.Never knew how to approach people.The only thing school meant for me was humiliation,rididule and loneliness.There was this boy,Rodrigo,he was my personal pain in the ass.He would break my watches,steal my lunch and money,beat me up,stab me in the back with pencils,write offensive messages on the wall about me.But one day he took things a little further,he brought a gun to school and held it against my head.but dont worry,Im still here.Throughout my life I have taken a self-destructive behaviour.When I was 6 until I turned 10 I used to spank my head against the wall,at eleven I started cutting,I would cut with everything,scissors,knives,spoons,furniture´s edges.Id cut til Id bleed,somehow I believed that the blood would take with it my pain and torment,that I would feel good and anew.Ive also been in a few damaging online relationships.the first one,it lasted for a week,he´d spend that whole week telling me things like "youre so great,I love you so much,youre a dream come true" the moment I send him a picture,never heard of him again.Then the second one,this was the first time I ever fell in love.everything seemed very good,then he turned out being a rapist and a murderer to be.my latest break-up:the relationship lasted for 3 days,he dumped me for a school mate and he called me "a fucking ugly bitch pot head"
:hug:taw, first off thank you for writing it down. Sometimes it helps to put it down and look at it and see it, this forum is a good tool for support. But I wish for you to go see your counselor at school. I hope you have one, are you in Mexico City for real? Here in the U.S. we have student body counselors. I want to stand up and correct you about one thing: None of your parent's problems are your fault, stop trying to make yourself responsible for their problems. If you were never born, they'd still have problems, you are not the reason everyone is unhappy. You are not the reason your parents are dysfunctional, and I am really angry that your parent are so retarded that they are violent in front of you and hit you and your siblings. I would like them to get help rapido! Also I would like to see you be kinder with yourself, I understand a lot about what you are going through, but you are NOT alone, and I know that it feels like that because reaching out on the internet is trying to somehow find a way not to feel alone. Please don't try to have online relationships with strangers anymore, you were very lucky that you got away with your life yes? Please take care, I know that when I was 14 I felt that way too, like a social outcast, but please try to stick it out and find a way to get yourself out of your toxic family. I'd say get a social service involved if you have that there but I'm not sure. I'm sorry for your Mom's pain, but her burdens and pain are not for you to fix, love her and help her with the kids, but you need to stay in school and gain the skills to make a way for yourself. Did this Rodrigo go to jail I hope, I hope you pressed charges for assaulting you with a deadly weapon. I'm praying for you sweetie, you deserve better! Sometimes we are the ones that have to make our own lives better, because of whatever our parent's issues are, they can only take us so far in this world. Then we have to take ourselves the rest of the way. Don't get in between them when they fight, take your siblings and go to the police. Sometimes divorce is the only option, your life is more precious than a penny, both my husband and myself came from broken families and went through great hardships materialistically and financially, but it's better then being dead. I'll be praying for you meha!
Taw, my heart bleeds for you. Life can sometimes be pretty rotten. But there is a new day coming, and it will be the one you create. Learn from what is around you, and find the wisdom to raise yourself above it. Much family violence is a result of poverty. Having a good education will increase your chances of getting away from it. Lift yourself up first, and then you'll have the power to help your loved one's too. x
thank you all for your replies.Im really trying to do the best I can,and Im actually feeling much better since I wrote it down Ive replaced self-destruction with arts and writing now,instead of damaging myself,I write everything down.
I agree with everything said so far in response. Suddenly my own troubles seem pretty tame. It really is amazing what a human being can get through though. I don't know what your area has in the way of social services for domestic violence, but it might be worth checking in to. If all else fails, running away may be the best option, but you would have to have a place to run away to where you can be safe and provided for.
the domestic violence service Ive tried,but, its not very good and no one even responded me.Ive come to find a solution:Im gonna oficially emancipate from my parents,me and some friends,who also have trouble at home,are planning to run away together,get ourselves and apartment and support one another.
I get such a helpless feeling reading about your homelife.Sometimes I(and I'm sure many others)would like to just pluck you and all the other kids right out of your lives into a happy and caring family.The running away part I'm not sure of.Doesn't sound too safe to me for a young girl.Keep writing & doing your art ---but get some TRUSTWORTHY relative or other adult to help you.Take care.
Well, I wish you the best of luck, and wish I could do a hell of a lot more than that for you, but it sounds like you have a plan put together. Just make sure you plan well! Cover every detail, because details can be more important than you first realize.
Congratulations for being able to write down your important scriptures about your turbulence and tribulations. IN the candle light, in a house at your desk. The full moon waning, a starless night, a cold wind blowing through the cracks in your window. Yet, you can compose yourself and write down what thus anguish you. Life is never simple. It is important to find the time and the place to write down your woes. WE all have woes, trials and tribulations and sufference. But through our suffering, we can become stronger and in some cases better off*. *Writing a book. THou who is able to identify with his feelings, who seeks inspiration from his environment, can indeed write a novel that will be publishable and will pay off all past woes. Financial woes are one the biggest. But there are other woes which continue to haunt mankind. It is important that we put our experiences on paper. THus healing ourselves. This is a therapeutic aid. For man cannot do without pen and paper. It is an essential stationary in thou house of dwelling.
Wow...You are like, amazing. That is one of the most terrible things I've read in my life, and its true. My heart goes out to you. Forgive me if this sounds rude, but I tend to have a logial way of thinking, and you could write a very good memoir. It may net you some coin. Just a suggestion.
Well,it is not that bad,Im still here arent I? I think I would not be the same without it,so thats why I accept it,and instead of whining about it,Im rather do something about the situation until Im in the place I truly want to be.About the memoir,I want to be a filmmaker and I actually think Ive got lots of material from my background.
