Coming out.

Okay, so I'm 15, recently moved to New Hampshire which has a high focus of being homophobic. I know that I'm at least bi, possibly gay. I keep switching back and forth, I'm gay, I'm bi, I'm gay... (Anyone else do this kind of thing?) So I told my sister (Who has been supportive) and a few other friends in different states. My dad is homophobic, and has been known to call guys "Faggy" and other such joyful terms. I attempted to talk to my mom about it about a year ago, and she flat out said "You aren't. End of conversation." Then I also have a crush on one of my friends who I'm practically positive is straight. He (and all my friends (to my joy)) calls things or people gay, in a derogatory sense, and for the first six months, it didn't really bug me. It's starting to get to me, and I want to tell them really badly, but I always think that they'll take the worst possible view on it. Not only dropping me as a friend, but telling other people, which would essentially screw me over at school. Kids have gotten stoned (In the sense of getting rocks thrown at them) before for being gay. And I really don't want that to happen to me. I know that the advice is "Be yourself" or "If they're your friends they'll understand" or even "Wait till you're out of high school" but I honestly am at a loss of any real idea of what to do.

Any ideas? Someone tell me they did or are doing this too...

 

I have recently come out (bi) to my close friends (summer break after freshman year at college) and it was relieving. Where I'm from in Pa is diverse so I cant relate to hate crimes against gays. But what I can say is you really do find out who your true friends are when you do come out. I chose to what till after highschool, but it didnt really make a difference because I only came out to my closest friends. And as for your friend you have a crush on...same situation here...you have to come out first and then, if he reacts well to that...simply tell him you are attracted to him, but stress that your friendship with him is still important, which I assume it is

Good Luck
Greg

 

I know what you mean. It's just so much harder to do once you're actually in front of the person. You think that you know exactly what you're about to do, then you get there, confident, and they ask you what's up. And you go blank, not a clue in the world about what to say, or how to say it.

 

Since you recently moved, i'm guessing your still not entirely comfortable with telling these friends about it. Maybe you should try telling a sibling or cousin etc., someone you can trust. Then, as you become more comfortable with the idea, and yourself, try to tell your friends. I've found that if you can't say it to their face, you can try AIM or even a letter. Do what is comfortable for you, and make sure that they know your not trying to seduce them...even if you really are

 

As for your parents, I honestly can't help...I could give you the usual "they'll love you no matter what speech" but I won't, because it can take some parents a long time to come to grips with it...sometimes its religious, sometimes its simply the fact that the wont have grand children...I'm rambling, probably because I haven't told my parents yet, even though we're very close

 

Well, I managed to come out to my sister, but I don't know if she believed it. I moved about 9-10(ish) months ago, but I haven't really trusted my friends with much. I guess the biggest block is to actually bring myself to telling them?

 

I'd get to know them, and yourself, more before you go off telling them...You may just be bi-curious...but anyway, I assume you have close friends back home that you can trust...maybe try telling them first to get it off your back...p.s. how old is your sister?

 

Twenty, but I think she might have just gotten a boy friend...

 

To be quite honest...I think I would confide in her for awhile if you feel you can. Personally I try to avoid conflict, so if I were in your situation I would wait it out...the only bad thing that could happen is you get a crush on a girl

 

Yeah, I suppose that is the worst thing that could happen. That's part of being bi though, I can go either way. I can still hope for the best though.

 

Yeah, that was a little sarcasm, the cool thing about being bi is you don't have to compete for only one sex...you can love ANYONE!

 

I know I know... The irony of that was just pricesless though. In the end it'll work out.

 

I'd personally say that don't tell them YET - tell people but not necessacarily them - at our school we have lots of anti-gays no stoning but lots of harsh words and bullying.
Find out their (friends) views on it - there was this guy i used to know who used to make racist comments but when i said to him 'thats racist' he replied 'theres none of them here, its not hurting anyone' Maybe thats what your friends are doing jus trying to fit in,
On the other hand you could stand up or yourself but i wouuldn't recommend it - mostly cos i know how hard it is to do that (even tho with me it was a different subject)

 

Hey bud whats the latest?

 

Well, I actually did make some headway. I got to visit a couple friends for a little while, back from where I moved, and I came out to them. I think the hardest part was actually getting myself to tell my closest friend (who I've known since I was four) that I was bi. It was a little awkward because I had a crush on him for a while there. Completely against what I thought (I'm only a bit of a pessimist) he was fine with it. He said I was the first, but he didn't really think it changed much. He said that it actually fits me. So I guess it can't be too bad. With the kids here at school, I don't know what my friends really think. I consider coming out to be a decently large deal since it effects my life. The friends I have here, in all honesty don't know many of the major things about me. They don't get the joys of being let into my secrets, and I think they know that. So I'm wondering if I really should try to wait a while longer before doing anything with them, make sure that I really do know who they are?

 

You definitely need to get more comfortable with them before you do anything. Did you tell your friend from home that you had a crush on him? I'm really happy for you, the first time is always the hardest, and i'm glad that it went well. Just remember that your true friends will always love you (in a non-sexual way of course) for you, and that building those types of friendships takes time, which sometimes can seem like an eternity.

Love to hear updates from you
Peace
Greg

 

Well, I did tell him I had a crush on him. And he kinda laughed it off, but said it was okay, I explained I didn't want it to be awkward for him or anything, he said it wasn't (but I think it really, really was) and that it was fine. I mean hey, we're still friends and everything, so it came out really well in the end. That crush kinda ended, as did the one here (at least for the time being). He got back together with his girl friend (again, they sort or seem to do six month periods, then break it off for a while...) and is off the market I guess. The next big thing I suppose is to start working on trusting the other friends, enough to at least let them in a bit.

 

I really have only gotten over one crush in my life. One day, I just didn't find him attractive anymore, idk. Were still great friends though. One of the most important things you'll learn as you get older is a great friend is almost if not more important than a passionate partner. One of my favorite quotes is "Friendship marks a life even more deeply than love. Love risks degenerating into obsession, friendship is never anything but sharing." That pretty much sums it up

 

This one is good too "It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages"...basically friends are probably the most important things you can have, and you dont want to ruin them

 

Friends definatly are important... And I know I need to work on developing the relationships with them. But I also need to work on the joys of personal problems that don't directly involve other people.