Here's the deal. I'm 28, been a "closet" bisexual my entire life. Was in a long term relationship with a woman, together for 12 years, married the last 5. She was aware of my bisexuality, and for the most part accepted it or at the very least tolerated it. We separated in the early half of this year. I've dated and casually hooked up with both men and women between then and now. Recently I've started seeing a man. It's going well, and I feel the relationship is progressing naturally to the state where I can see us settling down someday. Due to the fact that i've been closeted and "presumed straight" my whole life, this does present a bit of a problem for me. Naturally being with someone that I feel strongly about, I don't want to feel the need to hide him from my family and friends, quite the opposite really. But this would involve me coming out to them. Now, I don't have a problem coming out, truth be told. I'm at an age where I can take care of myself, and the people worth keeping in my life would understand and accept me (and him), and those who don't simply wouldn't be part of my life anymore. The question is in regards to coming out as a Bisexual, as opposed to gay. I've read a lot of coming out stories and what transpired afterwards going from straight to gay, but for some reason I feel it may be a little more difficult for people (family mainly) to understand coming out as bi. I almost feel like it would be easier to come out as gay and leave it at that, but I also feel like if I'm going to bother coming out to be honest with people, I should do it completely or not at all. How do you approach the subject with family and friends without being seen as "unsure" and a bit slutty? That's the reaction i've gotten from the seldom few I have let know about this side of me, and I'd rather not be viewed like that if it's possible.
when I came out I had the problem with people thinking I was either gay or unsure of myself, and it was difficult to show people otherwise, its a sad fact some people will be ignorant and assume that you are gay or unsure. I had a few female friends who were surprised when I got married BC they thought I was gay, its a hard concept for people to grasp, but after years of being bi and assuring people I am in fact bi I have at least some understanding from most people, if you come out as gay people will react and yes it would possibly be easier but you could kiss being with a woman goodbye depending on who all finds out and if you end up with one you will appear wishy washy and could cause problems with you two when someone says I thought you were gay its not always easy being bi and people will be ignorant, but in the long run the relief of coming out of the closet will feel great and if someone cannot understand then they are not worth it. dont come out of the closet and jump into another one you will feel the same as you do now
'Coming out' and saying your gay when you are actually bi would put you in the same position as you are already in and would essentially be lying which is the opposite of coming out! Unless in the future when you get into another serious relationship with a girl you are comfortable with coming out as straight then I'd have to advise against it.
Your question actually points out towards the inherent problems of coming out per se. You are about to tell something to the friends and family that is really none of their business. They will be faced with the challenge of approving (or not) of your lifestyle, sexual orientation, sexual practice, actual partner choice, etc.. Now, you wish to be truthful which is only laudable, but are rightly afraid that being truthful here would portray you as somewhat "slutty". Being that you ACTUALLY are soliciting their approval, you are considering the option of coming-out as a gay which while NOT truthful would present you in a somewhat better light? Not Good! Introduce your BF to whomever you feel that you should introduce him to in a truthful and genuine manner WITHOUT making any other statements to the effect of explaining your sexuality. (Why would you want to do that? Do you owe them anything?) "This is John. He and I now live together, and are pretty much one item!" Most people will accept that without much ado. They will draw their own conclusions anyway. If anyone asks, "So, are you gay?", you can always truthfully say, "It is more complicated than that!" You DON NOT owe it to anyone to explain the details of your present sexual orientation? KD
but sometimes it feels good to be yourself, it's not about owing anyone, it's about being able to be yourself and open
Sure, it does. That's why there is a cost attached to it, in terms of how to do it, what to say, how are they going to react? The real problem of coming out is not with the dude who is coming out. It is more with the people who he is coming out, too. What are they supposed to say? That they are supportive of you being gay or bi? Do you need that support? You are gay or bi anyway with their support or without it. Nothing changes there. That they are NOT in favor of you being gay? Well, you are still gay or bi. Nothing really changes. They are silent, as in stunned or not commenting. Is anyone any better off for the awkward silence? KD
yes yes they are, because they can feel like they are truly "themselves" and the freedom and the feeling are priceless
This is the best post I've read in a while on the topic, and it reflects my feelings to the max. Thanks for posting.
a very healthy attitude. this alone will get you through everything in life. you can't ever control other people's opinions. you can be honest and explain the subject to them as best as humanly possible, but there's no guarantee they will understand it free of any prejudice they might hold on the subject. most of it is beyond your control anyway. for some, time and further educating on the subject will eventually make them adjust their points of view, since the first hand experience will show them it's different from what they thought it was. other people may have a more religious attitude toward life, and they are stuck in their ideas they have on a particular subject even when presented with evidence to the contrary. in the latter case there's nothing to be done. these are the people that will keep insisting that god is sitting on the cloudtop directing human behavior even though the evidence from the satellites proves there's nothing there. you gotta live your life the way that is right for you. i get it you want to be honest about yourself, and then that is what you should do. you stay true to yourself in life. good luck.
this is exactly true. you don't owe an explanation of your sexuality to anybody. the only people in the world that it concerns are you and your sexual partners. period.
