When you're out somewhere, like a restaurant or bar, and there are only two bathrooms, each marked "Men" or "Women" and they are not single use. If nothing about your outward appearance reads as your experienced gender, which restroom do you use? I've been coming across gendered multi-use bathrooms less and less but some old dive bars and diners still have them with no single use option. I want to use the women's room but I also look around and think "Peeing in the room I want to and maybe being able to check my body tape in the mirror is not worth having that convo or explaining myself to rando people at this restaurant/bar." So, I just use the men's room. Does anyone use the room that doesn't align with their "outward appearance" and how do you handle anyone who might offer so much as a genuinely meant to be helpful, "Oh, sir! That's the ladies' room. The men's room is on the left?" Let alone a bathroom full of cisgender people seeing you waltz in like it ain't no thang? Especially if it's the kind of establishment where the vibe is very much "this is not where I want to be having that conversation."
Don't patronize that kind of establishment where the vibe is very much "this is not where I want to be having that conversation."
Things are a bit different where you live vs. where I live. However, even here in Canada, it would be asking for trouble to use a bathroom that does not match your presentation. A trans person wearing clothes of their gender assigned at birth using the bathroom of their experienced gender would be unsafe. Worse, it makes things unsafe for others, because it feeds the rebugnican narrative of "men in women's bathrooms". If you choose to take the risk yourself, that's on you. But making things unsafe for others is wrong. I present as fully feminine, and I always use the women's bathroom. Back before my transition was complete, when I was presenting as male some days and female other days, I would use the bathroom that matched my presentation.
I appreciate your honesty. That's definitely 50% of why I stick with men's rooms if I only have a choice between the two. It does depend on the establishment. It's very rare but some of the queer bars/restaurants/clubs in NYC have bathrooms two bathrooms that just say "bathroom" or "WC" but one is clearly being used by people who read as masculine and has urinals and one is clearly being used by people who read as feminine and only has stalls. In those places, I'll sometimes ask the employees "should I use that one?" (pointing to the one with urinals) and they're like, "Nah, whichever one. Doesn't matter." I suspect the fact that I'm asking whether it's OK tells them I'm not trying to attempt any funny business. But regardless, bless those people. To be clear, it feels uncomfortable (and sometimes "unsafe") for me to use a multi-person men's room because I may need to change my body tape and, well, I think anyone on this forum knows why that might feel like a dodgy endeavor in certain bathrooms/establishments. It's a big thing with dive bars in particular where there are no private stalls and the toilet is -- at best -- offered privacy by way of feckless saloon doors with no lock. Let alone, where do I throw away the used up body tape??? So, it's not always just a matter of me wanting to be able to use the bathroom that better aligns with my gender. There are functional/safety reasons on my end. Not that I feel judged by your comment. I just want to make sure that's coming across.
Trust me, I rarely do. But sometimes your friends drag you to places you wouldn't normally patronize. And if the alternatives are either not hanging out with your friends or making it a whole thing,,, I just deal.
I hadn't thought of that kind of issue. I am not sure I understand the use of body tape in the kind of situation you describe, but I don't need to. If you feel unsafe, then by all means look out for your own safety. Use whichever side you feel safest in. I tend to agree with @soulpoker that I would not patronize an establishment that didn't have stalls with locking doors in the bathrooms. My friends wouldn't make me do that.
Sorry to interject: If we're ever together sharing the same space, and you're fearful of going to the restroom alone, or walking alone to your car, or standing alone awaiting a bus or Uber, please allow me the honor of your company, and let's walk together for a while.
My concern is usually what others will think and not to cause them any concern or alarm. If there is someone to ask, I always ask. Here it's illegal not to provide a restroom marked as 'disabled' and nearly always the answer is to use the 'disabled' restroom.
