Ball & chain at 16, because they lost their virginity to eachother??!

Something has been bothering the crap out of me for quite a while now, and I was hoping I'd get some advice about it here.

Background info:
My friend, Shelley, has been dating a close guy friend of mine, Lee, for some time now. They lost their virginity to eachother, and she is very much in love with him. Since we met, Lee and I have had some secret attraction to eachother...since before he and Shelley got together.
Anyways, I met Lee's best friend, Hadden, and he and I are fuckbuddies...for the lack of a better word. Hadden, Lee, and I are all very close friends. They share things with me that they'd only tell eachother...or they tell me things that they couldn't tell one another. A while back, Hadden confided in me that he thinks Lee has feelings for me...which I sortof already knew, but I was almost happy to hear it confirmed. He said that Lee has said things like, "Brandy is really cool. But I love Shelley." To which Hadden says, "What does you loving Shell have to do with Brandy being cool?" Lee - "Well...ya know. I couldn't do that to Shell." And leaves Hadden (and I, when he tells me) very confused.
Lee spent a couple of weekends with Hadden and I a few months ago. He'd drive while Hadden and I had sex in the back of the car, or sit by the lake when Hadden and I had sex on the shore. He watched us on several occasions...which was very hush hush, because he didn't want Shell to find out. Hadden even suggested he joined us, but Lee's conscience got the best of him and he didn't...although it was clear that he was aroused by watching us and had no reserves about feeling me up, kissing/biting my neck, Hadden stroking my hand of Lee's package, etc. He never -really- cheated on her, but it was clear that if it came down to it...he probably wouldn't have too much of a problem with it.

Actual question/problem:
As I said, Lee lost his virginity to Shelley. He hasn't been with another girl since, and from what I understand...he wants to be. But every time he tries to 'take a break' from Shelley, she starts crying...Which makes him feel bad, so he'll be like, "Nah, nevermind...I was just kidding." She basically sortof guilt-trips him into not leaving her. I think it is wrong, because he is young and shouldn't have to be tied down to one girl for the rest of his life - being only 16 at the time of losing his virginity. I understand that she loves him...he loves her too...but shouldn't they allow themselves to experience being with other people before getting so serious? It may sound like I'm fighting for his cause because I want to be with him or something...but really, I've been in the same situation that Shelley was in and I saw the light. At this age, guys need to sow their oats before getting in a serious relationship or it could result in cheating anyway. I don't want to see her get hurt, but her vision of 'forever' with him is ridiculous...don't they need some time to live a little before settling down?

I was just wondering...I'd love a little feedback.

(P.S. Ahh.. and I suppose that 'sowing your wild oats' and 'living a little before settling down' doesn't apply to all teenagers. But where I come from, thats the norm.)

 

Well my son had a similar type of girlfriend since he was 17 and she pulled the I will kill myself if you leave me card a number of times in their three year relationship, then about 8 weeks ago she up and tells him she wants to date this other guy (works with my son and is rolling in money, my son is dirt poor). He had become a totally different person because of her (one I didn't like much most of the time) and was afraid to say he wanted to spend a night out without her because she would loose it completely and sceam at him he didn't love her and she was goig to kill herself. I so just wanted to say "oh just do it bitch" but I stayed out of it now I wish I hadn't as he is completely devistated and moops around the house all day. The moral of this story is DON'T get too serious at a young age it isn't worth the headaches later.


Love & Advice
EnonEmouse

 

He won't be tied down with her for the rest of his life, trust me. The guilt trip thing she's is pulling is gonna sooo backfire on her one fine day and that alone will drive him away eventually if nothing else. The fact that he's kinda looking at you as a "possiblility" only serves to confirm the fact that things won't last betwen them. I don't think it's a matter of if... rather a matter of when. But it's his choice to make of course, little you can do except wait until he sees it for himself. Which he will. And like I think you're kinda getting at... sometimes as a friend you also need to know what not to say.

When love is truly "right" you really won't want anyone else and the simple reality of it is that practically no one finds this when they're a teenager. So your "worst fears" of seeing him in a lifetime of unhappiness tied down with some manipulative first lover will not come to pass, believe you me. ~7

 

I'm a guy and I don't agree with that sow your wild oats bs. I think it's a cultural thing, meaning people with half a brain can over come it. I've been with my girlfriend since I was 15 (she was 14). And now 4 and a bit years later we're planning on getting married after we get our bachelors degree's. I have no desire to sleep with other people. How ever if he doesn't want to be in the relationship. Then there's no reason he should be. But I beg of you to consider everyones feelings in this. Also there's a huge difference between thinking someones hot and wanting to be with them.

 

I'm not so insensitive that I haven't considered everyone's feelings in this. From Shelley, I can tell that she will be hurt if she loses her first love...and I wouldn't want to be an advocate of that, and I'm not. With Lee, I realize that he just needs to get out there and experience alittle more before settling down or whatever. I would never do anything to break them up or create stress on their relationship...thats why I'm trying to figure out what the hell is going on, and how I can help Lee get past Shelley's guilt tripping, if thats what he really wants to do. I do find Lee attractive, yeah...we connect on alot more levels than one - thats why we're best friends. However, that doesn't have anything to do with it. The reason I mentioned our attraction and things is because he is obviously not ready to settle down with her if he's eyeballing me. I've had people threaten me with suicide and crap before, but that didn't stop me from leaving because I knew it was steam. But if her -crying- is stopping him, he's gonna be with her for a while. I just don't wanna see him unhappy.

 

I'm thinking getting married at 16 is a little young. I am completely different now to what I was like when I was 16. You never know what life is going to throw at you.

If you stay bf/gf for a while you have more flexibility. Five years and two kids down the road into marriage you may find you don't want that person any more, and then youre stuck...

 

Everyone has pretty much already said what's important, and that is,... it's up to him, it's not your battle to fight. One hint... not to sound cynical, but even if he does "sow his wild oats" he will cheat. Maybe not on you, but sometime or times in his life he will cheat. It's not really about how many he's had in life, it's more about how much he can get. I'm not saying that men are disgusting creatures without a care for others in any sense, but 90% of men will cheat atleast once or twice in their lives. A man with his balls in his hands all day, with pure self-discipline is nearly impossible to find, no matter how much he cares for you. I know there will be guys coming here to disagree and save their species, but it will mean nothing, honestly. Anyway, I did, even at my greatest restraint, end up sounding cynical, but if this guy loves you he'll be with you, and if he cheats, remember what Jon said!

 

hehe, In my defense (Yes I know you called this lol). I will never cheat, no matter what. I have been cheated on and it destroyed me, and I will never want to cause that kind of pain to anyone. EVER. Its a simple fact, If I want alot of pussy, I stay single, If I want one to share everything with I get with that one. Their is no reason for cheating, atleast I dont understand why or the reason, when you have your woman waiting for you when you get home. When I am with someone I never even think about having sex with anyone else, for the sole fact that my mind (when I am not around the significant other), is thinking about them on a constant basis. Should I ever be with someone, and a girl comes up out of nowhere and grabs my shit and asks to have sex (Knowing I have a girl), I swear to you not, a simple recoil of the hand in a fisted form twords her head will sufice for me. I hope she gets knocked out myself. Besides, no creature is more beautiful then the one I am in love with at that time.

 

Argh.. Look, people, I'm not REALLY 'fighting' for him or any crap like that, I'm trying to HELP him with the situation. I don't want to be with Lee anymore.. I'm not really sure if I ever did! The point is, he is one of my bestestest guy friends and although he really loves her, he wants to LIVE a little before they get extremely serious and I don't think that makes him someone horrible. This is not about Lee and I, this is about Lee and Shelley. The part about Lee and I was to only prove that he would like to be with other people - nothing more. It was just background info to help you w/ the question.

lol...Thanks to you all anyway, though...

 

i thought shelly was ur best friend.

 

I never said that. Shelley is a friend, yes. I was closer to Lee, though. Thats a bit harder to explain.