ok, i'll try to make this short and quick. my boyfriend cheated on me almost 2 years ago, he went away on a "business trip" and met up with this girl that he had been talking to on the phone behind my back for who even knows how long. when he told me he had to go there, i knew she was in that area and asked him to promise me that he wouldnt see her. well, come to find out, he saw her the first day he was there, and fucked her for 4 days after that. i didnt want too much detail on that obviously, so i'm not totally sure on what all happened. he came home, and ended up telling me about it 3 weeks later. at first i was the obvious pissed off, then hurt, then confused and numb. i ended up forgiving him, and staying with him. so its been almost 2 years since all that happened, and i still think about it. it still hurts when i think about it. i still don't know the full truth and i think that bothers me most, like, how long were they talking to each other before this happened, and i really don't know if he went there for the work related business he told me he went for, or if he went there just to see her. that really bothers me. like the day before he left, we had to go out and buy him a few business shirts for him to wear while he was at the company he went to help, so i kinda think that he actually had to work, but then i think, maybe he got those clothes cause he was having a job interview so he could move there... i'm still very confused. this has affected me in a way that i cannot stand. one minor affect is that while he was gone, i was cleaning our house everyday getting it ready for his parents to come out for thanksgiving, and since then i hardly ever do a thorough cleaning of our house (i know this is weird to worry about, but i like a clean house). another rather embarrassing problem is that while i am uhh, trying to relieve stress and pent up tension, the thought of them together creeps in and i have a hard time blocking it out. this really annoys me and makes it hard to get done what i am trying to get done. i have become all worried and paranoid all the time that he is going to leave me, i was never one to question him, or if we were going to be together, now i am constantly on edge worrying that i am going to fuck up and make him leave. and i know full well that if i can't get this under control he WILL leave. i've finally faced the fact that i have a problem with this whole thing and am starting counseling, but its not till oct. any thoughts or advice on how to get over this, or maybe how long it will be there in my head?
Having once had a similar thing happen to me, I think I know exactly how you feel. And I think it's good that you want to get this resolved and put behind you, once and for all. And I don't blame you for being extremely upset. It's not like he just happened to screw some random woman in a moment of weakness. He methodically planned it over a period of time. He lied to you. He deceived you. He betrayed you. He demonstrated a total lack of character and integrity. This is more than just not keeping his dick in his pants ... this reflects on the type of human being he is. To me, those would be instant deal-breakers, but I also understand your feelings. You can't just stop loving someone overnight, whatever they happen to have done. Anyway, as I read your post, some questions popped in to my head. In no particular order ... 1. What has his behavior been like since this incident happened? Was he remorseful? Do you feel confident that he won't do it again? 2. Why did he tell you about it, anyway? What was to be gained by hurting you? 3. How do you know the other woman? (just curious) 4. How has your relationship been since it happened? Two years seems like enough time to repair the damage, but the fact that it's still majorly bothering you is a red flag. What has he done to help ease your mind? 5. Do I understand correctly that you live together? Do you have plans to marry? I'm also sorry that you feel that you somehow have to worry about not making him leave you. He should be worried about you not leaving him. You're not the one who cast aside your committment to each other to lie and cheat.
i think he told me about it because he felt guilty, and i really don't think he wanted to hurt me, he just wanted me to know. also, i think at the time that he told me, he was still planning to break up with me and be with this other woman. then, i think he realized that he still loved me, and wanted to try to be with both of us, i told him if that was the way it was going to be, i was leaving. but i couldn't do it. so i decided to try to handle that, being that she lived so far away she wouldn't be around anyways. well, he told her the situation, and i'm guessing she didn't like it, and they got into a big fight and havent spoken since then. so some time passed, and he decided that he had seen a side of me that he didn't know was there, some kind of understanding side, and that he loved me now more than ever. i think he became remorseful after his head cleared to be honest. he really has been nothing but nice and wonderful to me since this incident, he has talked to me about it each and every time i felt the need to talk about it without complaining, he let me check into his phone any time i wanted to, all that kinda stuff. i really don't think he would do this again, i really feel like he does love me, and that he does want to spend his life with me, he asked me to marry him this year, so someday we are going to get married. this is part of why i don't understand why it still bothers me. i mean, its not like i go around all day every day thinking about it, but once in a while it will creep up and get me. we have been together for 9 years (lived together for 8 to answer one of your ?s) and he has finally decided that he wants to get married, so i know he is serious this time. i dont know what my problem is, i guess it was all just a little more mind fuck than i can deal with on my own. i'm thinking the reason i feel like i have to be worried about him leaving me is because i did something that made him want to before, so i feel like i have to kinda watch myself now. its all in my head. ive talked to him about this and he said i have nothing to worry about, he wants to marry me and he loves me, and he's really sorry about everything that happened, and i truly believe that he is sorry. so its all just kinda in my head i think, which is why im going to see the head doctor, to try to straighten it all back out without bothering him about it anymore. thanks for your reply, i had to get that out, and to get some insight from just one person helps a lot. oh and btw, the way i know the woman is because she used to live here, she worked with him, i've met her a couple of times, and i couldnt stand her back then even.
