Although my mama promised she wouldn't, she's started in on telling me just how I should raise Alexis. She's been making little comments, not mapping out a life plan or anything....and it's bothering me. I don't know what to do....I've asked her to stop, told her to stop; she just won't. And, her mother is coming in from NY for the birth....and everytime I talk to her on the phone, she tells me how I should raise Alexis as well. My mother has also informed that I WILL have a natural birth. Although I want to (I get to find out August 1 if I can for sure), I may not be able to. She says NO epidural as my baby will be a druggie when she grows up and NO pain meds afterward (I didn't even know they give you medication after unless you have a c-section?) Luckily enough, Preston and I are looking at a house right now. It's a nice small house and I know the man that owns it....and he said he's going to cut us a deal considering we're new parents and all, has a nice yard so Alexis can have a place to run when she hits that age. And, it's a country setting. I'm hoping that getting my own place will cut out a lot of the 'This is how it will be' from my mom, but the house is pretty close to her (Within 2 or 3 miles) and I'm just worried she'll constantly be in my face telling me how to do things.
That is definitely the best step in getting out from under her control. Also, you need to not use her as free babysitting as that will give her the entitlement to do as she wishes even though it contradicts yours. Remember, YOU are the mother, it is YOUR child, YOUR birth. If she won't stop, just ignore it. But, yeah, you defiinitely need to get out of there. Why are mothers like this? I sure hope I'm not when my girls become mothers...
Yup, I think it has a lot to do with reliving their own youths. My mom did the same thing. I ended up eloping to escape all of her plans for my wedding, and am working towards moving to a different state so she'll have to pay long-distance charges when she calls to tell me how to parent my kids. Cutting her a little slack like IJ said isn't a bad idea... she REALLY is just trying to help. But she needs to let YOU be the mama too. (((((((((hugs!!!))))))))) Moving out of the house should help. We spent the 1st 5 months of my son's life living with my parents, and it nearly tore our family apart. My gosh, I couldn't even BREASTFEED without her trying to tell me how to do it better! My mom is still very much the "family matriarch," but being in my own home has given me the freedom to say "your house, your rules... my house, MY rules!" Something that most moms seem to understand and (at least TRY to) respect. love, mom
Part of it, I think, is that in rejecting HER parenting style for your own kids, she might feel like you don't think she did a good job in raising YOU. So she wants to see you raise Alexis like she did you, so that she knows you think she did alright. So, do cut her some slack. Momma guilt is a HUGE thing. But like every one said, get your own place and don't use her as a free babysitter. Establish "My house, my rules" and let her know that if she continues to tell her what to do, you'll just leave the room. Remind her that it was difficult raising a baby for HER and that the comments on her parenting style probably didn't make her feel all that great. And that you just want to be respected enough to be trusted to know what to do for YOUR baby. Also, tell her the effects of an epidural do not make kids druggies. And if she is so gung-ho about you going natural, she should find you a doula! (And hon, you CAN do this naturally...trust me)
I think every new mom runs into this issue at one point or another, whether it's their mom, their mother-in-law, or someone else (or everyone else!). Everyone has advice, and they all believe that their advice is better than anyone else's. When my first was little, I really let it get to me. I got so upset with it that I totally freaked out and went off on everyone. I was talking to my grandfather about it, after returning home from a visit to see family out of state, and he said something I'll never forget. First he apologized to me, on behalf of my grandmother and my mom, and he said, "everyone's gotta kill their own snakes." In other words, even if they think you are making a huge mistake, it's your mistake to make, not theirs. You can't let it get to you. You can't let anyone make you doubt your own instincts. You are the Mama, and you know, deep down inside, what is best for your baby. And if you make some mistakes along the way, they can't be any worse than the mistakes your parents made with you as long as you learn from them. The worst mistakes I've made have always happened when I ignored what my heart was telling me and listened to someone else's advice instead.
I'm not rejecting her parenting style. I think she is a great mama and I can learn from how she raised me....I just don't want her to tell me how I'm going to do this. I guess this being her first grandbaby might have something to do with why she's all of a sudden in my face about the whole thing. I guess I just needed a place to rant about it.
Thank you for that description of a typical 1970's nightmare birth scenerio. Sheesh. Not every hospital birth is like that(actually the overwhelming majority arent), not every OB is evil and condescending, most hospitals do NOT make you lie on your back when you give birth, most don't do do constant monitoring anymore(especially not with screwing things into babies' heads) IVs aren't even mandatory these days, they don't mix up your babies(as babies are banded on both ankles with the mother's name), that "french fry" lamp helps with jaundice, and you can have your baby in your room as much as you want for as long as you want. They even provide lactation consultants to come harass you(luv ya Maggie) about the importance of breast feeding. They don't dont shave you, catheterize you, most don't even do episotomies anymore unless it's absolutely necessary. Jeebus, I have no idea what kind of ridiculous birth experience you either had nor do I understand your vitriolic and outdated rant against hospitals. While it would be ideal for all mommas to birth at home...many can't nor do they want to. Some women are more comfortable surrounded by trained people and the emergency operation room just feet away incase of something horrible that might happen. It's their choice, it's about what makes the women feel the most secure and happy...not about your, clearly vehement, agenda to obliterate doctors and hospitals from the process of giving birth. You obviously aren't at all familiar with the new generation of OB/GYNs who also hated the old-school system and have been working very hard to change how things are done. Believe it or not, not all doctors just want to play golf all day. Some of them *gasp* want to be of service and comfort to birthing women.
Moon Flower, tell your mom to just get bent when she goes on these little control kicks. You give birth HOW YOU WANT TO. It's your body, your vagina, your uterus, and it will be your boobies that feed the baby. If your mom thinks her way is so much better then tell her to go get pregnant and give birth her way then. Sounds harsh but she'll be on your ass for the rest of her life if you don't put a stopper to it now.
The hospital I go to gives you a choice as to which way you'd like to give birth....squating, lying down, etc.... They also don't shave your genitals....unless requested. I know of at least 3 ladies in the past couple months that have birthed at this particular hospital, they all still have their genital hair. I've NEVER heard of a baby having a heart monitor screwed into his/her head....not even on those TV programs of births. I know that if my labour stopped, I'd sure want something to help it get back on track. I'm sure that many mama's that have had a c-section didn't have the choice of a natural birth. Many things can contribute to this....pelvis not being wide enough, visible STDs that could SERIOUSLY hurt the child, etc.... I was born naturally and STILL had to have stuff sucked out of my throat. The birth canal doesn't really have a lot to do with that from what I understand.... I was under a 'french fry lamp'....I was born with a touch of jaundice and that french fry lamp took care of business. Bring the baby at their convenience....gee, the 'horrible' hospital I go to has a setup so the baby can be in the room with you at all times, aside from bath time. Seriously, do you believe the crap you type? Mix babies up....do you know of ANY cases....I mean personally....where a baby has been mixed up with another baby? Don't give me internet research mumbo-jumbo....real life YOU experience....I guess that shows you just how prevelant that is. Because hospitals are just so MORONIC they keep AIDs infested blood in storage just to disease every baby that needs a blood transfusion....right. A lot of mamas don't have that choice. Although the mama may want that all happy "She slid out so easily then we sat in a nice warm bath and 'bonded'" scene, it's not always going to happen that way. In a hospital setting, I'm pretty sure....ya know, from experience with family having kids and whatnot....you still get to BOND with your baby. You're just in a medical scene and can be helped if needed....if not, it's as simple as telling the nurse "Leave, I need alone time." Anyway.... I sat mom down today after she got in from work and told her just how I felt, and didn't just say "Oh, don't say that." I reminded her that she promised she wouldn't go there and brought up how she said she felt when people did it to her. She said she understands and will work on it. Thanks for your replies, mamas.
She had two. And, she had to have a hystorectomy at 39 on account of endometriosis and ovarian something or other.
There is actually a device that they screw into babies heads to monitor heart rate, I can't remember what it's called right now, but I held one in my prenatal classes. They do exist. I'm kinda between the two arguments, here. I was told that I could get into any position I wanted, and yet was confined to my bed, on my back or side with my bed reclined so far down, I was having blood pooling to my head. The slipped me pitocin without consent. I had a MASSIVE episiotimy, and a catheter...... And I'm determinded that Leane wouldn't have had a fever and been extremily dehydtrated if I would have been allowed to at least have some water while I was in labour, which at the same time I had the flu. I was dehydrated. My lips were craked and bleeding, I needed water that bad. I hadn't eaten for over 40 hours by the time Leane had come because my doc told the nurses not to give me food because he wanted to perform a c-section. They also tried to break my water, and after 3 tries, all that came out was a slimy blob, no water at all. When Leane came out, her head was scratched and bruised!!!!!!!! There are a lot of bad hospital experiences out there, I went though one, and never will again. I think that's what FatFreddyFreekowtski was refering too. The post sounded really sarcastic, I don't think that it was meant to be taken totally literally. I think that the point of it was that there's a LOT of unnessecary (sp?) things happening in hospitals today, that really don't need to be done. Moon~ it's great to hear that your mom understands. My best advice: keep saying the same things that you said to her during that talk if she starts up again. My mom promised that she wouldn't do it, and yet, her opinions on my parenting style have caused fights so bad that she won't talk to me for a week.
Jenny's birth was exactly as Freddie described, in 2001. Yes, flat on my back, my labor stopped, attempted induction, the monitor screwed into her head, baby's heartrate dropped to TEN beats a minute, the cesarean, all of it. The whole story is in the sticky at the top of this forum. It's not that unusual. Don't think, for one second, that it won't happen to you because that was my first mistake. I had the best doc, he would never do those things. Guess what? He wasn't on call the night my water broke, and I got stuck with a monster who has a 60% c/s rate. though Freddy was wrong about the cesarean rate in the US, it is currently over 30%. That means that over 1/4 of all women giving birth here end up with a c-section!! AND that includes midwife-attended births, when most midwives have c/s rates under 10%.
No one is denying that bad doctors exist. They do. There are some lazy, retarded mofos who should never have been liscensed. But Freddy is demonizing ALL doctors and hospital births. Most women who birth in a hospital these days do not have a horrible experience. The only reason why it seems so here is because some of us did have a bad experience and hence have chosen alternative methods. We do not represent all women nor can we speak for all women who birthed in hospitals. While my second birth in a birthing center with a midwife was a far superior experience to my first birth in a hospital...I wasn't tortured there either. I wasn't shaved, I wasn't made to lie flat on my back during my labor, I wasn't catheterized, I had an IV because this was a planned induction as I was 14 days overdue and my amniotic fluid was low. I didn't have an episiotomy nor was the monitoring constant, I was allowed to walk around, have ice chips, drink water, eat popsicles. I had a 17 hour labor..10 hours of it before I recieved the much screamed-for epidural. Once my kid was born, I breast fed her and she stayed in my room most of the time. There are alot of women and babies alive today because there are some genuine and dedicated doctors. To act as if they don't exist is insulting to every person who enters into the OB/GYN field. I'm aware that there are some misguided people who have this extreme vision of women birthing unattended in a field who, afterwards, consume their own placenta, raise the baby to the sky, and scream "I AM WOMAN! RARRWWW!!" If they want to do that...dandy. However, alot of us prefer to use the medical technology that even the most traditional midwives take advantage of.
My god. What kind of freaky bubble do you live?? Let me ask this....how many kids have you given birth to? How many of those were hospital births? Actually, I think the more appropriate question is how old are you? You speak like someone very young who is spouting off rhetoric from a radical pamphlet. Or you are someone very old who remembers those horrific days when women were strapped down to tables during birth...and who hasn't stepped inside a maternity ward anytime this century to see that women are no longer required to lay on their backs. WTFery. You obviously have some sort of extreme agenda that includes using ridiculous scare tactics. Do you run a birthing center and can't quite meet that profit margin because the average woman CHOOSES to give birth in a hospital with a doctor and not a doula? Why the fuck do you care if Britney Spears had a planned cesaerian?? Honestly, why do you care?? Is it your body and baby? No. Your campaign wears combat boots and it's laughable, perhaps if you actually knew what you were talking about, then maybe you could be taken remotely seriously
Another experience from a CURRENT momma who's seen both the birthing center and the hospital. I laboured for 32 hours NATURALLY in a birthing center. My waters broke, I laboured through contractions, but in 32 hours, I only made 4 cm progress. The midwife and I both decided that I was too exhausted to continue. Because the more exhausted I become, the more chance for infection (as my waters had broke), plus however much time I would spend pushing. And if in the end, I still needed to go to the hospital, if I waited too long, I'd have a c-section for sure. In the hospital, I was hooked up to pitocin, an epidural WHICH WAS REQUESTED BY ME as a tactical move, the baby did have a monitor inserted into her scalp, I had a catheter, contraction monitor thingy placed by Moire's head, and I was on the bed. BUT... All those options were chosen BY ME to AVOID c-section. WHY? Because I'm a larger woman and that damned abdominal fetal monitor doesn't work so well through blubber and they kept losing her heartbeat, and I knew if they kept losing her heartbeat, they'd take me in for an emergency CS. So the monitor in her scalp let them keep her heartbeat and put THEM at ease. The contraction monitor thingy was needed as they put me on pitocin and if it was up too high, my uterus could have ruptured, causing a cs for sure. epidural was so I could sleep. I hadn't slept in over thirty hours. If I was going to push out my baby naturally I needed energy. I didn't get shaved, they didn't make decisions for me, I didn't have an episiotomy. It wasn't that bad. The only blood thirsty doctor was one that only came in once to check me, and never came back again. I know my rights, researched my options. I wasn't naive. Every move made was tactical. And Freeky, you sound just as blood thirsty as that doctor. If it hadn't been for the hospital and the doctors, and the nurses, my baby might have been in bad condition and needed the NICU, but because of their expertise combined with my knowledge and consent, she never left my sight at all even for the bath.
Moon, a lot of this has already been addressed. I wanted to address if you did have to have to have a section that Pain Medication is a NECCESITY! Pain feeds on pain. Untreated pain, severe as most have after abdominal surgery, needs treatment, or the risk of running into a Chronic Pain condition rises for you. Also, it is impossible to care for your baby, with post surgical pain, without good pain med. (This would be something like Morphine in an IV for the first 24 72 hours after the section and then either Vicodin or a Percocet-Demi for a week or so afterward.) The link between using pain meds during labor and babies later "turning into junkies" has NEVER been definatively proven, and has little support in the medical or nursing communties. Of course, if possible, a natural birth is best, but not everyone has that situation. If your mom keeps at you like this, ask how "natural" it is to have one's uteus taken out before natural menoapause was? And would she like YOU to have told her that while SHE was the one in pain before hysto? (That might be mean, though.) Moon, this is YOUR baby, YOUR birth, and YOUR body. You call the shots and you know what is best for you. Good luck honey.
Thank you, Maggie. I did get to see another doctor who said that having her vaginally, at this point in my pregnancy the way things are looking, I'll be able to do it. But, that I shouldn't rule out the epidural. (Because I said I'd like to have her as natural as possible....but I have bad anxiety and I'm afraid I won't be able to relax enough). So, I'm hoping for the vag birth. But, if it comes down to it and it just ISN'T possible, then I'll go with the section. Thanks for all your replies, ladies.
