All I want is him....

And nothing else will do. I've spent so many years believing my heart was dead or numb. I have had sex buddies for the last few years. So when I met him, I put him in that category. He accepted and then.....I started to get to know him. He is everything I have ever wanted. Neither of us was looking for a relationship. We are so busy. But I broke the rules...I started to feel something. I thought that part of my life was over, but one day I looked at him and it made my heart smile. I realised that if I never saw him again, it would hurt. We just had a pregnancy scare....and he was great. Again making me want him even more. I halfway told him how I feel, just to see how he would react. He said he has to stay focused (he goes to school and has 2 jobs). I took that as a polite brush off. If he really cared, he would have said so and THEN said he had to stay focused. I may have started it wrong and can't fix it. I don't know. Everytime I don't hear from him or he doesn't call me, I figure he is not interested in anything other than sex. Then he does something so sweet.....and I wonder if he cares all over again. Like tonight, he didn't call me but I didn't expect him to because he has a huge test tommorrow. Then he calls just to say goodnight..... I don't want to be his sex buddy anymore. I want all (a relationship) or nothing (just friends). I know he doesn't have time for a relationship and I'm unsure if he did have time that he would want one with me. So I may have to except just friends


But I know that if we ever have sex again, it will be because it means something to both of us.......

And if not, at least I know my heart still works. Too bad I found that out right before he stole it........





It feels good to get it out

 

Hey, I'm sorry to hear that.. I know how miserable it can be. At least you are doing what you feel is right. I really hope everything works out for you two in the end. If he can't have a relationship right now because of school just be patient and if he feels the same about you I'm sure it will come together eventually. It's hard to wait though, I know how you feel.. I think the all or nothing thing is probably for the best, whatever the outcome may be. Even if it comes down to just remaining friends, at least you won't be tortured by your feelings and everything like you seem to be now. But hopefully it won't come to that, or if it does, it will just be temporary..


I really hate this for you though, I know it's like hell to go through. I'm so sorry.. Let me know how things turn out.

 

Thanks. The hardest part is knowing that I could have him here, kissing me and holding me, if I wanted. It would be so easy.......and it would make me feel so good to be close to him but I want his mind.....his body would be a temporary substitute.....and after the high of being with him was gone, I would be more hurt knowing that his heart is not mine....and I would cry



see, this is why I have avoided feelings all this years

you can't stop or control them

you just endure them and hope for the best......

 

yeah, that is a hard situation to be in. Im sorry I know how you feel, really, and its torture on the heart. Making the decision about how to finally handle things for your own sake is even harder because either way you are left without something you cherish. Just remember to do what you know is best for your heart and then excepting the aftermath of that might be a little easier. I hope things really work out for you.....it definatley will with time. But time is the biggest bitch. I wish you luck

 

Well, you know the saying.. It's better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all... I know it's hard and painful, but don't you think the pain is worth it to actually be able to feel something real for someone again?

When are you going to suggest the 'all or nothing' idea to him? Like I said before, I think that will be for the best either way. If he does want a relationship than that would obviously be wonderful, but even if he didn't, you wouldn't have to deal any longerwith the hurt of knowing that his heart isn't yours. And who knows, maybe further on down the road you will be together and things will all work out for you. And if you don't end up together, I'm sure there is a reason. Maybe you'll find someone even more fabulous to love.

But, in the meantime, my heart is truly breaking for you. And I really hope you are going to make it through this alright..

 

I'm not really gonna tell him all or nothing. I'm just not gonna sleep with him anymore. If he pushes ( he won't), I'll tell him why not. Otherwise, I don't feel the need to give him an ultimatum. Those are my guidelines and as long as I know why I doing what I'm doing, I'm cool.


HAHA, It's don't ask, don't tell

 

life isn't about what if's. this world is more equal than it has ever been since we have walked the earth, and it continues to get better. you can't expect him to ask you, if you aren't prepared to ask him..if that makes sense!!! change this what if, be gentle and you won't lose him as a friend, and by the sounds of things he has feelings for you. don't be lonely anymore, you have a chance, grasp it

 

I already talked to him about it...he gave me his answer. To bring it up again would be pushy and needy. I'd rather be his friend than to push him away

 

You both just need to spend time together and really talk about what you wrote as plainly and openly and without fear as possible. Tell him about how you love his mind and how love is beyond the physical satisfaction and the amazing sensations of holding each other. There is that connection to his mind; his uniqueness. My ex-girlfriend and I used to do Tibetan Buddist tantric staring and we used to talk about seeing beyond our bodies right into our "minds" and "hearts." I remember looking into her eyes and not wanting to hold her or kiss her or live out any kind of hope or future of any kind but just to exist with her. After staring at the same image for that long the human face starts to look kind of animalistic and you kind of realize that the other person is observing and you're observing the observation and that's where connection can lead; to loving the pure moments you spend together without any fear of saying the wrong thing or doing something that might be percieved as either entirely physical or sexual..it can be so much more than living out images or visions of "how it should be." I also really respect what marriage truly can be and I don't think it's just some kind of legal contract but in order for it to work I think people need to learn to let go of all the fear, doubt, worry, anger, frustration, constantly wondering if some phrase from the other person is some kind of rejection. There can be some real, calm, centered, bliss that is so preciously, amazing and everything you were saying about these sex buddies, let all of it go and just kind of exist, and think about getting in touch with how you truly feel which is happy, and content and connected to your environment. Have you ever listened to Ravi Shankar? Get some! Meditate for like 2 hours a day and try and empty every single thought of the relationship of his jobs of your job, of all responsabilities. What is left without thoughts of those things. Beyond all the tears, what else is there? Perfection, peace, relaxation, now, the darkness you see when you close your eyes, the light source in the room. No customs. No preconceptions. The next time you see him approach him from that state of mind. Relaxed, happy, truthful, balanced, and talking about funny, fun, and interesting things and if there's a phsyical connection let it come from the energy of the conversation and not from a lustful, needy place. If you like the Ravi, let him hear some with you! ~Peace~

 

I've decided to ask him to go to an amusement park with me. I have a free ticket. Strange, we have had sex before but the thought of asking him to go somewhere with me breaks me into a cold sweat. Its a friend type activity so there is little to no pressure. I figure if I can get him to agree, it will be the beginning of something or the end of something.


Either way I'll have the memory.

Sound good?

 

He said he will try to go but he doesn't know yet. We talked on the phone for 4 hours tonight. When I asked him about us, he told me to stop analyzing, to just "let it flow"



WTF does that mean?

I need a guy to translate this. What does that mean for real? "let's be friends"? "I wanna see where this goes"? "I like you but I still wanna be free and have sex with other people"?

What?!?!? HELP!!!!!

 

I caved. We made love tonight. I couldn't help it.


But something was different. It wasn't sex....it was more.

Fuck the rules.

I'm gonna be with him as I can......I don't wanna be without him

I'm willing to risk the hurt if his feelings don't grow

But I suspect they already have......

 

It's your life, so do whatever feel right for you.


Like I said before, I hope everything works out well. I seems as though they are already improving some.

Keep us posted, I'd like to know how things turn out for you.

 

well, well, well........


I'm still in major limbo. I only want to be touched by him but he still hasn't told me anything about how he feels. I have days that I feel like we are making progress and other days I feel like I need to just walk away. Like if I just hold on, he'll wake up one day and I'll be in his heart.....I know....pathetic....

The problem is there is this other guy that really digs me. We have had sex before and it was good. He calls me all the times the other guy doesn't.

I told the first guy that I didn't want anyone but him and that I won't sleep with anyone else. And I meant it at the time. He made no such promise. So now I'm confused about whether or not me sleeping with someone else would kill our chances. Meantime, my longing for him is making me extremely lonely. I feel like I could just occupy my time with the other guy. Maybe it would be a good thing for me not to be so focused on the first guy.

If I haven't made any progress, then sleeping with the other guy won't matter. If his feelings are growing then sleeping with another guy could kill any budding feelings.....

Days like today, I just wanna go back to the old me. The hit and run me

Fuck it....I tried

 

Well, it sounds like you really love this guy, so I wouldn't give up on it yet. On the other hand, if he won't give you any straight answers or anything, then he isn't being fair to you.

I can see what you mean by the other guy being a good thing. It could take some of the focus off of him. And maybe you could think things through more clearly.. But then again, that could result in something bad, as you said, if his feelings are growing.

Maybe you should just try to talk to him about it again. I mean, ask him how he feels about you sleeping with other guys. If you made that committment to him, but he promised nothing in return, that's not fair to you. If he wants to sleep with other people, you should be able to do the same as well. And if he doesn't like it, then he shouldn't have any problem making the same promise to you.

Wish I had some better advice.. but I guess just wait it out and see what happens. I know it sucks to wait though.

 

This is the end of this thread.


If I had to liken this guy to an activity, it would be forcing a peice of the puzzle that does not fit

So I have decided to let it go......I'm walking away

If it was anything special, it wouldn't be this much work and he would have the same feelings for me

Staples420, thanks for your concern.

I'll be fine and I'll use school to help me forget him.




But for real.....I'm too cute for this shit

 

if it isnt mutual it isnt real, there is someone who will want you like you deserve to be wanted, dont forget to grow

 

and in translation, it meens your not miss right but you are miss right now, except the see were this goes thing, that could mean alot of things

 

I saw "him" today at school



I wouldn't even look in his direction.....


but then I got the urge to call him. I'm fighting that urge now


love sucks a gas leak

 

I agree that school keeps you busy.

I went back to school this summer and it had helped me coped with the lonliness of a distant relationship. Also, I feel more fulfilled because I'm improving myself and I'm really enjoying myself even though I'm dead tired. I'll leave for work before eight in the morning and only reach home at 10.30 at night everyday after my studies. After you are so tired, you don't really have the energy to think about much.

I used to date a guy who told me that I am stopping him from being free to hit and sleep with other girls. WHAT??? Its not like I went out with him to all those pubs every night! I never went with him. Yet... I really made myself exclusive for him. Stupid me...