Ok, so my girlfriend comes home from Africa in 10 days. She's been gone since the beginning of the school year. I thought I was really excited about her coming home, but now my emotions are very mixed. I love her dearly, more than I have ever loved anyone before. The problem is that she keeps saying she is ready to "settle down" as in engagement, marriage and children. She has always told me she wants to be married before we graduate college. This scares me terribly. I'm only 20, I'm not ready to settle down. I want to travel and study abroad, I want be able to live whereever I want and go to school wherever I want, I want to be able to roam the world without having to worry and recently I've been feeling like I want to date other people. THIS is the only seriously relationship Ive ever been in. She's not even home yet and I already feel like I'm drowning. I need to be able to define myself as an individual, and I've been having strong desires to get involved with men, making me realize that I am not so sure about my sexuality anymore, whether I'm bi, lesbian or whatever else. And I feel that it's absolutely crucial for me to figure myself out before I commit to someone else. This fucks up all the plans we have for moving in together next semester. I don't know how to tell her all of this without her feeling hurt or that she's not good enough for me. Please, any advice or simple any alternative perspective will be greatly appreciated.
Well, you may not want to, it may be hard as all hell and yeah, you may hurt her a bit but you gotta get it out in the open and be honest. Sometimes you just gotta put the big girl panties on and just talk, no matter how scary it is. You may even be surprized by her reaction or her own insights.
word the best bet is to let her know about your insecurities and worries. Maybe you two can talk it out a little. I'll admit that 20 sounds awfully young to get married to me, but I'm a little biased since I'm only 21 and, well, terrified of marriage to put it bluntly.
Thanks for the advice both of you. I'm going to have a good heart to heart with her about where our relationship is and where we want it to go in the future after shes been home for a bit and settled back in.
I believe my heart is untameable. I'm 21, and even if I did meet a girl who I thought was perfect, I would still not be ready to settle down. I don't want to have children till I'm in my mid 30's, have some stability, and a good grasp of advice to pass on to my offspring. Even then I will be following my passions. It's not irresponsible to want something new. And theres nothing weird about having questions to try and define yourself when your 20. But having these questions means looking for answers. Sometimes it can be pretty rough. But if you're straightforward with people, you won't always get the answer you want, but you'll almost always get an answer that will give you insight.
Stella...it sounds like this relationship is over. Yeah she will be hurt, but she can't put you in a box. Go do your thing elsewhere and be happy - you owe it to yourself. Getting married at 20 is just mad anyway - sounds like she was the right person for you at a certain time, but not anymore.
As much as it might hurt both you and her, you still need to tell her how you feel. Open communication is the key and the basis of a good relationship. Dont hold back in anything and she will definitely understand. And you should definitely not go into something just because she wants it. You should want it too.
