So I am a ROTC Cadet. One who is a bad ass cadet and dreaming of becoming a fighter pilot. Masculine and all, but I have always been a freaking sissy on the inside. I am confused. I have always enjoyed thinking of me being a woman. I can remember when I was like 5 and wanting to put my sisters dress on. here is the thing. I know transexuals are not supposed to feel pleasure when putting on chick cloths. I also know many guys just get a freaking fetish by putting on chick cloths and derive sexual ploeasure out of it. Ok well this is true for me, but not always. What I am confused aobut is where I stand. I do derive sexual pleasure out of chick cloths sometimes, but that is not all. There is a big part of me who is a freaking sisy inside. On the outside I am a masculine man wanting to serve his country. Also, I am a bi-sexual. I was rejecting that I have a ssexual attraction to men for a very long time. ust last fall I found myself making out wiht another guy. There are times where I just feel like I want to be a girl, chop off my dick and get screwed by another guy. I don't get it. I get these waves where I just want to be a GIRL! get my hair done, get in the girl gossip, go shoopping, ect... Sorry this is so freaking long, but if you have any advice for me feel free to give it out. I am not sure where I stand.
It is true that transsexuals usually don't derive any sexual pleasure from wearing women's clothes. I find it weird that you call yourself "a sissy" on the inside. Rather than "female". My guess is you are not transsexual. It sounds like you more have fantasies of being a girl, rather than feeling that is what you actually are. I guess this is why I've always had problems with "trans" being such a wide umbrella term for actually many different kinds of people. I find it hard to give advice here, because I can't really relate to how you feel. If you actually do feel like a girl, then you should get yourself to a doctor to get advice on what to do. If you derive fetishistic pleasure from wearing women's clothes, then that would make you seem like a transvestite. It also sounds to me as if you don't like having this fetish. Maybe you want to be a woman because then it would be "normal" for you to wear women's clothes, and to be able to act like a woman, with no fetishistic element attatched to it. You also say you were rejecting your attraction to men for a long time. Again, maybe you see something wrong with being with a man, while still being a man yourself. So you think having sex with men as a woman would somehow "normalise" it in your head. My question to you really is this: Do you feel like a woman inside? That a woman is what you actually are, and you just have the wrong body?
I say sissy because that is how I feel a lot. Out side of military time when I am with some of my close friends I act like a freaking girl. I get all emotional all and valley girlish. Ya know screaming out "LIKE OMG! "...stuff like that. I act really gay. I don't know why I act like this. I just feel comfortable acting like this. I do not want to have any sort of fetish crap. That is just me. I am not comfortable with having any fetish bothering me. I personally feel that a fetish is a distraction on what sex should really be for. Just me though. Some of the things I fantasis about is me being a girl being screwed by a guy.... Yes, I do find men attractive. I have a very big crush on a guy right now. To answer the last question is hard. Sometimes I am like "Psh I love being a guy. I want that girl. I love the military. I am so masculine. F that! Yeah!" Other times I am like. "I hate being a guy. I am a woman. I want that guy. I want to do what all the other girls do! I wish I was born a girl!" I get all girly and I feel like a girl. I really don't understand it.
You say you don't know why you act like that, then say you feel comfortable acting like that. I think you answered your own question there. The reason why you say you don't know why you act like that, is because you've been indoctrinated to believe that you SHOULDN'T be acting like that. The fact you use the "word" sissy would also bear that out. Especially being in the military, there is probably a lot of pressure on you to be ultra masculine all the time, but that clearly isn't your personality. If you're comfortable acting in a girlish "gay" manner, then that is just how you naturally are. Its quite easy to understand. You probably just don't want to understand it. You just need to accept yourself. Autogynephilia is the term used for men who derive sexual pleasure from seeing themselves as women. This has often been wrongly confused for transsexualism. I myself hate labels, but there is a clear distinction between the two. It sounds to me like you could be transgender. In that part of you is still happy being a man, but part of you feels like you should be a girl. Is that how you feel, that you are between genders?
OMGAWWWWWWWD!!!! Look at what I just found. Talking about a freaking fighter pilot! http://autogynephiliac.blogspot.com/2009/08/beyond-perversion.html -Yes I am still happy as a man. Most of the times. There are times where I just hate being a man and feel that I am supposed to be a woman. -Yes I feel sorta pressured to act a certain way in the military. I was spending the night at my friends dorm and the dorm next door was blasting Britney Spears - Radar. I said " Who the heck blast Britney Spears at this time of the night. they all looked at me like I was crazy and said "how the heck do you know what that is Britney Spears." I run into situations like that every now and then. I love Britney btw. I just like a bunch of girly things.
Blanchard's and Lawrence's assertion that all transsexuals are really autogynephiliacs is not true in the slightest. Many scientists and proffesionals in the field dismiss their claims, as do I. The fact that Lawrence is actually a self confessed autogynephile, and also claims to be a "true transsexual" means her views are completely biased, as well as having no basis in scientific or medical fact. You could be autogynephilic, from the things you are saying though. There should be no shame in that however, you're not hurting anyone, so you should just be who you are, and not worry about it so much.
You may be autogynephilic based on some of what you're saying, or some form of fetish. Or because of how much you keep emphasizing your normal masculine side you could just be trying to suppress it into something else. Some important questions 1. You say you fantasize about being a woman and having sex with a man. Well alright I'm sure every transsexual has fantasized about being a women and having sex with whatever gender they fancy.(Remember, big thing to remember, being transsexual has nothing to do with your sexual identity, trans people come in all ranges of straight, gay and bi like normal people, such as myself, while I don't mind men I forsee probably mostly lesbianism in my future). Another thing to ask is it just the thought of having sex as a woman with a man in general the turn on, or do you feel some kind of ill ease about having to be the one that performs the penatrative part of sex with the current genitals you have and the idea of being penetrated in general is more of the appeal? But, is there anything non sexual to it. Would you want to be a woman for the sake of being female? Would you mind having breasts, keeping in mind most of the time they're not things that are going to be being played with, they're going to be these bags of fat that are going to hang off your chest and bounce and jiggle in possibly annoying ways. Or everything else that comes with estrogen, you will become more emotional to a certain degree. Your muscles will deteriorate(though they don't have to, there are plenty of women body builders out there, but it's much harder for them) Your skin will get softer, a layer of sub skin fat will form along all of it. Basically, would you enjoy and feel more comfortable living in the body of a female, with female hormones, for your 24/7 rest of your existence life? Remember what exactly defines "girly" is seriously up for grabs. I don't know for example if Britney Spears would be defined as girly, I mean it kind of is, but I haven't met any transgirls that listen to her just out of hating her music. If I want girls in music I'll take me some Janis, Steve Nicks, Cat Power, Courtney Love, ect, now that's real music. A good read: http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3203710&userid=0&perpage=40&pagenumber=1 that's the new thread they just made, and the first page has some really good information on it. But if you have a lot of free time one day, and want a good read of averaege transgendered people answering questions from the regular poplace, this megathread is a good read: http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3126198 I link those vs a site devoted entirely to transgendered themes for a reason. One, the sheer amount of traffic, tons of posts from trans and non transgendered people because of the sheer size of the SA forums, and SA forums are known for their sarcasm and flame wars, there's an awesome sense of normalcy. You know how support groups often get kind of weird just because it's all these people suffering from the same problem trying to be too nice to each other to escape from reality sometimes? Yea well the same thing happens on forums dedicated solely to transgendered themes. But you might be able to get a lot of good information from those threads.
This is a very hard question to answer. I can not say yes for all the time. I go through waves and on and off phases. I kinda have like attacks where I really feel the need to be a female. You asked about sex. Yes, sometimes I do feel the need to have something penetrated in me. It is not all sexual. I will have the urge to be a female. LIKE RIGHT NOW! UGH! Probably why I came back here right now... I hate this feeling. I don't feel anything sexual about it. Although, later I will not feel this and may feel something sexual about it. It changes off and on. :toetap05: hmmm
