I love a man, since short before I was 17. Finally, in October 2004, we got together as a couple. It didn't really work out before since there was a great distance between us. There were several attempts bevor 2004, but it just didn't work. We loved each other anyway. There were other partners on both sides, but I guess in a way we still loved each other. So in October, after not seeing each other, and hearing nothing from each other for two years, we met, and fell in love again. I moved in the mean time, and now the distance wasn't as big as before, we decided to finally be a couple. IT was great, on so many levels. In a way, I always knew he was my soulmate. He just came from therapy (drugs), started his own business, everything looked so great. We were planning to have kids. He always called me his women (in coloquial german, wife and women are both called the german term for women). I spent the whole summer 2005 at his house. We had a great time. When I had to leave, because Uni started again, he started to become strange. Normally, we talk on the phone every day. Often even several times a day. He didn't call me for two days, and didn't pick up the phone. I was worried, because at that time, none of his relatives had my phone number, they were not listed, so in case something happened to him, I would be the last person to get it. When he called me again I was mad, and he just said, when I don't call you, I am fine. Hahaha. He acted stranger and stranger. One day I just asked him, what the matter was. He replied: "I want to sleep more, take more more drugs (I just knew of him smoking pot, but at that time, he told me much later that he was already since 2 month back on amphetamins) and even wants sell them, since his businness just didn't work out, and he doesn't want any kids anymore. I loved this man, and I just don't want anything like that to be inbetween us. I stayed with him though, since he said this willl only be a phase. I had the impression that his mood got better after some weeks, but by that time, I thought he was back to being totally addicted. I tried to convince him to go back to therapy, (since he din't even finish the first) but he said NO. He started some attempts to go back to a job, but he blew all chances, and was just telling me excuses. I still stayed with him, especially, about a month ago, he decided to quit. he didn't do any drugs, at home, just stayed at home, locked in his room in darkness. I wasn't allowed to visit. Nobody could call. After that week he called me and said, that he misses me, and that he has to be locked in somewhere else to do this, since he got so aggressive, that he smashed a lot of things. another week later he asked me to accompany him to this therapist, that already knew him. We never went there. another week later he told his mom, that he probably has to to a long-lerm therapy. another week later he's back to "I can do this on my own". after 2.5 or 3 month of doing drugs and being depressed, and three weeks, were he barely calls me, has switched his phone off, of inviting me, and then an hour later telling me that it's better if I don't come, cuz everything is so bad (he was ashamed that his room looks like a trash dump), I told him, that I will come, get my stuff, and that I won't come back unless he's in therapy. I just can't take it anymore. It never harmed our love, that we had other partners, so if he really loves me, he will get over it, and come back, otherwise, our love wasn't that real anyway. But I am so sad, and cry a lot. I really miss him, even though he was barely there for me the last months. He is such a kind person, but I believe ther were a lot of things done to him in his childhood, that he is afraid to face. I light a candle for him everyday when I get up, and just blow it out at night for safety reasons, and when I leave the house. What I saw when I came to him to get my stuff, was so freaked. His life got so worse after two weeks that I was not there. This is not the man, I want to spend my life with. I think, going away was a much greater prove of love, then staying and suffering myself. he wasn't even mad, he helped me to pack up, and told his mom later, that he just wanted to protect me, that's why he just let me go. I really wish he was so brave to face the deamons in his closet. Only then, our relationship has a chance.
i hope you're doing okay, dear...i know how rough it can be. but it's better for you to let him go than to spend your time in a relationship with a person who has such problems with drugs. i know you miss him, and i know you genuinely love him, but over time your quality of life will improve and things will get better for you. it's unhealthy for him to be in a relationship because essentially, addicts are selfish. they are selfish because the drug they are addicted to controls their life, and they are incapable of truly being in a loving, adult relationship. i'm sure he loves you, but he needs to get the help he needs...have you and his family thought about an intervention, perhaps? because even though you can't be in a relationship with him, you do love him and care for him, and maybe if you and his family got together and confronted him about his problem, it would be a catalyst for him to want to get help.
We can't intervene yet. In germany, we can only force him to therapy, if he threatened someone, or is in danger of hurting himself. But he has to take some form of action or mention it. He did not do that. He is kind of violent, but it's not enough. Plus, his mother doesn't want to look closer. She just doesn't see whats going on, so she wants to stay in contact with me, but she closes her eyes. We had a long distance relationship, he lives about 250 km away from me, so besides calling his mother from time to time, I cannot do much for him. In a way, I became very religous, so right now I just try to lay everything into the hands of this higher power, and hope that love wins.
Just apologize. Most people are pretty forgiving but you have to say you're sorry. I have a hard time ending a relationship, it takes a lot but the one thing i'll end it over is if somone doesn't even think enough of me to apologize when their wrong and ammend the situation by ensuring it won't happen again. I always say im sorry when im wrong no matter how difficult it is because i don't want somone else to feel like shit when it was my fault...so yeah just apologize if he's a good guy he'll understand.
but it isn't her fault...it's his. he has a substance abuse problem and he can't handle being in a relationship right now. she shouldn't apologize for his actions...
I think you're right, the greatest act of love you could have given him was walking away... perhaps it's what will help him see that he's hurting you, and if he truly loves you, then that will matter to him. *hugs, all the way to germany!* Keep us posted on how you're feeling, and stay strong And no, you shouldn't apologise. If you DID spaz on him, after everything he's put you through and put your relationship through, tough love might be the way to go about it.
a few days ago, he called me, and told me that, while taking drugs he didn't realize how much he wasn't there for me, and how much he hurt me, and that he want's me back, and that he will go in therapy. Today he wanted to go and see the doctor, to go and commit himself, he wanted to call later. And now I am waiting again. :-/. But I have a feeling that it kinda clicked in his head, that things are moving in the right direction. I hope he went to that doctor.
