3 may, 2004 Foam froths around my thighs and soaks my ankle bracelet brown sun chills my shoulders with unrequited deliverance potato salad and cottage cheese are the two things that sand can properly ruin so keep the basket closed while we run and flop down together
I like the images and general thrust of it, it's a nice scene you've created. A few suggestions. Never end a line with "and" or another conjunction. Better to start the next line with it: "and flop". In fact, I'd say your line breaks are the main thing I have an issue with in this poem. If I were to rewrite it: Foam froths around my thighs and soaks my ankle bracelet brown sun chills my shoulders with unrequited deliverance potato salad and cottage cheese are the two things that sand can properly ruin so keep the basket closed while we run and flop down together You can play around with that, depending on your intended flow (longer lines read faster, shorter lines read slower, due to all the breaks). End your lines with a word you want to "punch" more, say it out loud, that helps a lot. Sometimes it helps to write it all as one sentence, say it out loud, and break where you accented words. If I were to do it for my previous sentence: Sometimes it helps to write it all as one sentence, say it out loud, and break where you accented words Then, where you really want a long pause, for it to sink in maybe, start a new stanza And one other thing. Unrequieted deliverance? I'm sure you know what you mean by that, but the reader doesn't (well, I don't, at least). Of course, if you don't care about the audience, no worries, but otherwise, you have to (poeticly) inform us.
Have to agree with Trippin about the breaks. I liked it before but it does read better just by where the breaks fall. Thanks for a good read.
