Don't start by saying what time it is. In reality, at any given moment, the time is probably the furthest thing from your mind. It's also a bit cliché. Also, be careful over long sentences; sometimes while you're writing, you get a distorted perspective of time (i.e. how long it takes someone to read what you're writing). If you want to keep the pace going, you need to break up the sentences a bit. There's nothing wrong with simplicity now and then. It's not a question of using x number of words to say something, so much as making sure every sentence says something. It doesn't necessarily need to say more than one thing. Christ that made no sense. Ah well. The rest it's kind of hard to tell without knowing where the story's going.
This is an okay start but you need to make it easier to read. For a start, break it into paragraphs. Also, you might want to start with a scene that has a bit more action, to grab the reader's attention.
well i liked the world. it's alien to me, i'd like it to appear more vivid with it's status symbols, ie. A fairy world would definately contain wands, and dust. it's a giiven there would be flowers etc... what would your world definately and symbolically contain? i'm assumming its one so far of black shades, screeching tyres, crystal glass , blonde hair female, multimillion dollar airport, expensive pen for expensive chequebook. silverware etc..i don't know if i'm right? i got that all from 'limo' it's obvious a limosuine implies rich money man..well in my world newaysss
My big concern is that the tone was not clearly set. I (personnally) prefer when the tone is apparent, and indicative of where the story is going to go. At the beginning, your writing seems to suggest that the story is going to be one of action- you meticulously describe every move the character makes. But then you stop, and the story becomes one of introspection- character begins beating himself up, thinking about girlfriend. It becomes tediuos- if you want it to be about the character's inner self-discovery, then i would suggest spending less time over-describing every hair blowing in the wind. If you want it to be about the action- the ACTUAL journey the character takes, try to make the introspection a little more subtle. Still, the story looks like it is going to be interesting.
