Journal #72, January 20: Regrets and horniness (NSFW)

Over the past few weeks I've completely lost my sex drive. It happens to men over 50 especially if they're not getting any. But even if it's not a surprise it's still disappointing and depressing.

And it also doesn't mean I'm not thinking about sexual regrets. Don't really know if this is an obsession since I've written about this many times. I'll let you make that decision. But I really, really wish I tried gay sex in college.

The college environment is unique. There are tons of young people who are just old enough to do just about anything sexually, and eager to explore the possibilities, or at least open. Among these young people are those who for the first time might be in an LGBT supportive environment, as the vast majority of college campuses are, so those who have had to hide their true preferences as well as those who have yet to question their preferences have adequate space to seek out opportunities with the same sex.

The college I went to was no exception in that way. It was also pretty big so my chances of meeting guys in my classes, at parties, or in the big dorms would've been pretty good, if I was actively looking.

If I had put two and two together right away in my freshman year and decided having sex with a guy was a good idea, I probably would've gotten over my internalized homophobia and other sexual hangups much earlier in life and been more sexually developed by now. Maybe I'd even be more successful with the opposite sex. Instead I began to sense things my senior year and spent over two decades dealing with guilt, shame and denial.

From a practical standpoint, it would be a good place to start making contacts. I would hope to make some lifelong friends, with benefits. And some of the guys I would hook up with would inevitably have friends I could get to know too.

And quite bluntly I was so horny in college I could use sex...any sex. I spent so much time winding myself up unable to concentrate a lot of the time when I could've been thinking outside the box (no pun intended) and sharing kisses and orgasms with a guy.

Well, thinking about these missed gay opportunities over the past day or so has kind of made me horny, and kind of made me want to fantasize about what I would've liked it to be like. Feel free to join my hypothetical, 18 year old, horny, bisexual self on my journey of what I wish could've been.

I don't know how it would all start. A look. A comment particularly worded. I don't even know if it would be an idea I would've had beforehand or something that would come spontaneously as I met a guy.

The realization that I might like this would come as a shock. I would probably be troubled. I might resist going forward, but the drive to go forward would be stronger. That drive would be driven by curiosity and raw horniness. I'd be shocked and nervous at first, but I wouldn't be hesitating. Before I'd know it I'd be into it and I'd be into him as he'd be into me, and there wouldn't be a second thought about propriety.

(Just to break out of the fantasy for a moment, I think I would've grown into liking and enjoying my first homosexual experience, and I wouldn't regret it.)

Once the stigma of having had sex with a guy once would be over, I could then feel free to keep on doing it. I would plan to meet my new friend many, many more times. I would also work on my skills of picking up on guys who might be interested in me, and working on getting together with them.

Eventually I would love to have a reputation. I would love to have my dormmates rib me about what a slut I am. But as much as this sounds mean, it would be hotter if they did this behind my back, along with making up some derogatory names for me, as long as the reality of my promiscuity backed up the derision.

I'd be having so much sex! A covert blowjob in the stairwell. A quickie in the 10 floor library bathroom. Overnight with his roommate away for the weekend. Overnight with his roommate not away for the weekend. I'd have lots of one night stands, about one a week, but I'd also have a couple of steady boyfriends. The one night stands would be exciting. And each boyfriend would have something unique to offer that I'd look forward to if we'd be getting together.

Eventually I'd want to have a roommate I could sleep with. It could be I decide to live with one of my boyfriends, or the roommate I already have and I decide we "like" like each other and one night express that to each other with our bodies.

As soon as the door would close and be locked, the clothes would come off. We'd be horny enough, but seeing each other naked would drive us to each other's arms and there would be hot sex right away. There would be a lot of sex in that room behind that closed door. A lot.

We would experiment too. I would dress up in lingerie and wait for him to come home. I bet that would drive him crazy for me. Or he would be waiting for me with another guy. We'd take pictures and videos of each other and put them up online just for kicks. We'd be open to all kinds of kinky things.

And with all that sex we would grow closer together. I'd still be sleeping around and my roommate would feel free to see other people too. But what he and I would have would be special.

 

I've known - and have heard of - so many people going to college... and finding out about the sex that I found out about before I got to junior high school. I always use to wonder what took them so long to come over to the bi side - and why they resisted doing what something inside of them was telling them to do. My high school had sent me and a bunch of other college prep students to a local college to get a taste of what college life was like and the thing that made me deliriously happy wasn't the college setting or the course offerings this particular school had: It was that my "roommates" were cocksuckers. They didn't think that I knew about it but, ahem, I sure showed them and any time I wasn't "in class," I'd be in the room sucking cock and being sucked.

There was one guy who told me that (1) he knew what other guys were doing, (2) he hadn't had sex since he left home a year ago, and (3) he wanted to try sucking cock but was afraid to and I told him, "I wasn't scared so I don't know why you are; it's not like your parents are going to find out and they probably expect you to do it." I had a fun time with him...

 

A good college course for these dudes would be "SUCK-ology 101"!

 

I would take it and deliberately fail it so I'd have to take it again lmao!

 

Well there are two issues, queerness and sexual maturity. You seem to have been sexually mature pretty early in life so by the time you got to college age not only a lot of your peers had never been with anyone of the same sex but also some of them had never been with anyone.
Although I would love to have started my gay slut journey in junior high, I would've been fine having my first experiences with guys in college, especially when I had such an insatiable sex drive and so many guys to choose from.
But for whatever reason it wasn't to be and I still have the opportunity I guess so I'll keep on trying!
I'm glad you got to show college guys the way. I'm also glad you wound up with guys who were inclined to fool around. I wound up knowing very few queer people in college, though I didn't make it a point to seek them out. Had I landed a gay roommate...who knows?

 

Well.........you know the old saying, "practice makes perfect".......(!!)

 

I got a "kick" out of the bullies who'd terrorize gay guys (or guys they presumed were gay) publicly but privately? They were getting sucked off, fucking the guys they were terrorizing and even being fucked by some of them. I used to wonder why "kids" waited to get to college to discover homosexual sex. I've heard "I tried it in college" so many times and from so many people, both men and women.

My protege told me that when he was in college, he wanted to have sex with his roommate and their friend and almost did it when they were sitting around getting drunk on beer because they couldn't get any pussy. He told me that he still wishes that he had done what he wanted to do.

I went to a community college so when the day was over, I'd go home (and fuck my wife silly) but I felt that had I gone to a regular college and lived on campus, I would have been rather popular...

 

I can't tell you how much I regret not taking advantage of being so far away from home at college, living in a dorm room without a roommate in my freshman year, finally allowing my repressed gay side to explode out, and have tons of wonderful gay sex throughout that year. Instead, I obsessed about the grief I was feeling after being rejected by a girl at my past summer job whom I had fallen in love with, and about my loser status, kicking myself, with a girl I met during Frosh Week (the first week of freshman year with tons of activities and hazing, before classes started), who clearly liked me, whom I could've easily lost my virginity with, but didn't go for it.

You see, I had had tons of sex with another boy from 8-13, but then kept repressing my gay feelings throughout high school. In hindsight I know it was internalized homophobia, that finally allowed the gay feelings in me to explode out at 30, again while far away from home, on a long road trip to overcome my grief after my first girlfriend, whom I finally did lose my virginity with, dumped me. If only I had let those gay desires free in university, at such a young age when I was just beginning to discover who I was, and what I could become. Instead, I was depressed and just super focussed on schoolwork. But it was just that, my depression, my lack of any fun, including wonderful sex (any sex), my focus on schoolwork only, and my continuing to repress my homosexuality, that destroyed my freshman year. Instead, I flunked out that first year, and then ended up moving back home with my parents and going to a local university.

On scholarship in that first university, having graduated from high school in third place (pretty much over 90% in all my grades throughout my 5 years of high school (we went to grade 13 in Ontario Canada at that time)), I had my own room in the huge, all-male dorm (where almost everyone else had a roommate). I could've had countless male lovers in there. I could've lived free, to explore the gay side of myself, to embrace the powerful gay side of myself, and to right from the start of my adulthood recognize my actual homosexuality, that I only realized at 60. I could've lived a whole life as a happy, gay man, instead of the misery of thinking I needed to chase women, only for them to constantly reject me, and feeling shame with the countless guys I had oral sex with, until that fateful evening when I fucked my first man at 51 and fully embraced and loved the gay side of myself for the first time.

What a waste of life, all because of internalized homophobia, and cowardice. If only I could've gotten my head straightened around, abandoned my frustration with girls, and allowed that freedom of living in a dorm with all those guys to allow my homosexuality free reign. I don't think I would've failed most of my courses, something that I would have thought impossible when I left high school, having been a brainiac throughout all my childhood schooling. Never underestimate the power of balancing hard work with fun and play, and sexual play with other guys would have fulfilled that, and allowed me to excel with everything.

Ironically, I finally did graduate at the very top of my class in that second university with a four-year Bachelor of Science degree (and grad school years later), somehow even with no fun there either, and certainly not living at home, where my homosexuality was even more deeply repressed. I don't know how that happened. But how much more could've been possible, especially in the sex and relationships department, if I had boyfriends and tons of fuck buddies in that first university. I certainly would've been a man more at peace throughout my life.

 

If I went to a college where I was alone in my dorm room, I would have been having a field day sucking cock and like it was going out of style. As it turned out, I was going to school, working, being a husband and father... but I still found time to get some dick and when the opportunity presented itself. Going to community college was, for me, too much like being in high school again. What I knew, both then and now, was that I wasn't going to grow old and spend time regretting not having sex with guys and when I had a gazillion chances to do so.

People would "give me shit" for learning about sex at a very young age and I would come back at them and point out that it took them 16 to 18 years before they had sex for the first time and... I was making babies, sucking cock, fucking and being fucked and, importantly, not going without sex for long periods of time...

 

I would be tempted to tell on those guys who bullied you for being queer?! Now that you are out, you could disrupt their lives at the next reunion? Normally, I'd never want to out someone, nor myself publicly outed. But when they were getting their cocks sucked while bullying you is beyond hypocritical! I understand their fear of being found out, but not the way they behaved.

I have regrets in college as well. I wish I had given in at the few bookstore gloryhole sessions to sucking and being sucked, rather than just light stroking? I was so paranoid of hiv, didn't know then it was near impossible to get from oral alone. When I was sucked by a guy, after saying I wanted only jerking - I didn't know, ss I couldn't see. I only knew it felt really great! Only when I pulled out at the point of no return, did I see his mouth, and was part upset, part panicked, but also really excited by it!

Months later, I went back determined to be sucked, cum in a mouth, and try giving and swallowing. But just as I stick my cock through, the power went out & we were all rushed out. It was well over a dozen years later before I got sucked again, and tried sucking, still with no cum in either direction.

I have been working on reducing my post nut clarity reaction, and swallowing my own cum, so I can fully enjoy my next experience!

I know it may seem silly to you guys who have swallowed hundreds or even thousands of times. But I wanted to work past both the physiological response, and the mental response after I cum, and not feel guilty or shamed from internalized homophobia?
Before I just wanted nothing to do with my cum.
Cumming in a cup has helped!

With practice, it's mostly gone away, and I look forward to tasting my load after the heart pumping thril of cumming has calmed down!