Confused about my friend… need advice

Hello everyone,

I just registered on the forum today and I want to write about a friend of mine.

I’ll tell you my whole story, and at the end, I’d like to get your opinion.


I’m a 30-year-old man and I’ve never been with another man. I’m a closeted gay — I only go out with women publicly — but I am more attracted to men than women.

When I go out, I notice men more than women.

Until now, I’ve been in love with three men, but I’ve never been with any of them.

The first two were older; I have some kind of fetish for older men, and the one I want to write about is two years older than me.

We’ll leave the first two aside because nothing happened with them, but I want to try something with the third one, so I’m asking for advice.


We are friends, we go out together to clubs, etc. Apparently, he is straight, and I am “straight” in front of others as well.


I met him two years ago, and I liked him from the first moment. I felt some kind of closeness with him even though I had just met him. We quickly became close and started going out to clubs together.


Now I’ll tell you some things he has done for me that I think are unusual for someone we’ve known for such a short time:

• At the beginning, when we started hanging out, we were at a club, and some people were pushing me. I’m small, and when people push me, it’s really a problem. Out of a few people at the table, he said to me, “Come, stand in my spot so they don’t push you, I’ll stand here.”
  Here, I felt he showed some care for me. I told him, “It’s okay, it’s not a big deal, let them push,” but he insisted.
• We started sending each other Instagram Reels and talking about girls, just like normal friends. But my feelings for him started growing.
• At some point, I started sending him gay videos and would say something like, “Check out this video, friend X could do this kind of sex (friend X is straight but has a very funny personality; I joke that he’s gay).” Then I sent another video and again compared it to the same friend X.
  
  
  After a while, he said to me, “There’s probably a gay guy here, but I don’t know who it is, and it’s not me.” I replied, “I don’t know, maybe friend X,” and we laughed about it.
  
  
  At this point, I stopped sending gay videos for about six months. We continued our contact normally, sharing Instagram Reels. In the meantime, I started dating a girl, and I told him about it first.

• Later, he sent me a gay Reel on Instagram — a club scene with many men and two of them kissing. This is fine, but my question is: if someone is 100% straight, why does Instagram’s algorithm suggest gay Reels to him, and why would he send them to me?
• Honestly, we’ve known each other for two years, and I think I can trust him. We were at a club together. I told him I wanted to drink a little alcohol, feeling fine, since I’ve never been drunk before. I asked if he could watch over me in case I get drunk so I don’t embarrass myself. He said, “No problem, relax, I’m here.”
• Often when we go out, if someone breaks a glass, we exchange looks like, “Look at that idiot, breaking glasses.”
• I went on a one-month trip with another mutual friend. When he returned, he commented, “You and the other guy are together all the time, are you hiding something?” I told him, “No, we’re just roommates for the month.”

Things he does like a straight guy:

• He constantly sends me pictures or Reels of women (I also do the same to hide my sexuality). Follow women on IG
• He doesn’t go out very often. He tells me that he can’t find a girlfriend and that he can’t go out with us to the club. There’s no need for him to lie — he just says he can’t find a girlfriend.
  
  
• He doesn’t have feminine mannerisms, he’s a classic alpha male — tall, shaved, wears cologne. He doesn’t focus much on clothing, more classic than fashion-forward, but always neat.

* He also often makes negative comments about many gay people we know in town.

I need help knowing what to do. I can’t get him out of my head. I don’t want to lose him as a friend, but I’m also worried he might tell others that I’m trying to hit on him. I live in a small country, a small town — word spreads quickly — and if he tells someone, everyone will know, which could have serious consequences. Please give me advice.

 

First of all, welcome to the forum, and thank you for posting your inquiry and asking for advice. This is certainly the place for that, both in this particular gay forum as well as in the bisexual ones, where you might try posting as well if you're not getting many responses here, since this gay one is not used anywhere near as much as the bisexual ones.

I feel for you. I had a somewhat similar experience with this one guy who I met at a large Buddhist event in Toronto, where neither of us lived, when we were both volunteering in the café. We hit it off instantly, and became like best friends within minutes of meeting each other. It was wild! I have never experienced anything like it (though I've had sex with many guys since I was 30 (I'm 63 now), but all the sex has been casual, and I've never been in a romantic relationship with another man). Over the next few days we were constantly laughing and carrying on and having profound conversations while working, so much so that a couple people actually weirdly commented what "chemistry we seem to have together". I was really taking a back by that expression, as I've been totally in the closet to everyone there, including many who have been my friends for years, and he's for all intents and purposes "straight" (???). But they were so right: I felt the chemistry between us big time. In fact, for only the second time in my life, I was falling for this guy--at least developing a romantic crush on him. I started hanging out with him from time to time over the next few months whenever I visited his nearby city, Hamilton, which housed the mother centre to the branch I belonged to in the Niagara area an hour away, whenever a Buddhist event was happening in Hamilton. We were always having some really powerful and intense conversations together, including lots of laughter, whenever we did stuff together away from the center, like going for hikes or "grabbing a bite to eat". But from everything I could gather, he seemed straight, at the time living with his ex-wife whom he still has sex with. So I never pushed further than just friendship. Then a few months later he moved to a Buddhist Centre way up north, a few hundred miles away. Then about a year ago he moved to Toronto to live in that large Buddhist Centre. So I've rarely seen him in a few years.

This brings me to the point I want to make: I think there was something going on between my friend and me that goes beyond heterosexual friendship. It just remains unspoken between us. Maybe women can have these kinds of very close platonic relationships with each other, but men really don't, at least not so intense and immediate. I think he also had romantic and sexual feelings for me, but wasn't ready to admit it perhaps. This "chemistry" was of a homosexual nature (even if he is technically bisexual, which I can't say one way or the other).

As for me, it was around the same time, including analyzing my feelings for him, and a second romantic crush, also unrequited, I had developed a year earlier for another guy, that allowed me to finally come out to myself as gay (a Kinsey 5). I had already been heavily leaning towards that anyway a couple of years earlier when I broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years--a very tumultuous three years of her breaking up with me and breaking me heart many times--after being unable to cum while fucking her without imagining it was a guy I was fucking. When I was finally out of that relationship, I immediately felt so free and so happy that I could now focus exclusively on men. I had no desire left to ever have sex, let alone romance, with another woman ever again, and that remains to this day. So developing romantic feelings for these two guys was a clincher for me: yes, I am gay, and could easily fall in love with another man and become boyfriends or husbands together.

So I hope my story can help you understand what's going on between you and your friend. Whether either of you are dating women, including having sex with them, and sharing straight porn with each other, doesn't change the fact that your friend feels gay desire and gay connection with you. Certainly some of the things he has done shows that for me. First, he was so protective of you in that club, almost in kind of a boyfriend way. Then he wasn't reacting right away to the gay videos you were sending him, and then only later was talking about "somebody being gay here", I assume implying you, even though you were both laughing about maybe it being friend X. But he never ended your friendship, despite all the gay innuendo. Also, his denying that he was gay could easily be for show only, or some internalized homophobia at play, trying to deny his own homosexuality or bisexuality to himself, or because he was feeling some discomfort with all the gay stuff. That's classic denial of the real truth that his unconscious mind definitely knows about himself. The same goes for his derogatory comments towards homosexuals. Classic denial. But what finally convinced me of his homosexuality (or bisexuality) is his sending you a gay video. Then there is his, “You and the other guy are together all the time, are you hiding something?” That is kind of a mixture of gay jealousy and trying to open up the gay reality between you two. Finally his, "I can't find a girlfriend" could very well be saying, "I don't want to find a girlfriend."

In conclusion, I think he is gay, and probably more gay than you are. And given your close friendship for two years, I think you are safe in actually admitting that you have gay feelings for him. It's of course hard to say for sure what his reaction will be, but from what you're telling me, I think that will give him the open door he needs to admit the same. I would be so happy if both of you can take your relationship to the next level--a gay sexual, romantic and friendship relationship, one of great meaning and fulfilment for both of you. Even in the outside chance that he reacts quite negatively, if you have patience and he lets the friendship continue, he probably will come around. It's just that internalized homophobia can be quite powerful, but if you can help him work through it, you guys will have an amazing love together.

Good luck, my friend. We gay men have to look out for each other.

 

I would also be confused about a friend like that.

The only solution i see is to start talking truthfully with him about your confusion. He sounds like a fairly nice guy who could probably help you clear up the confusion without too much drama.

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me and for sharing your story. I truly appreciate your honesty and the depth of what you wrote. It really helped me feel less alone and less “crazy” about what I’m experiencing.


What you said about unspoken chemistry and things going beyond normal straight friendship really hit home for me.


If I may ask you something more:

Do you have any ideas on how I could indirectly show him, or let him know, that I feel something more than just friendship? I don’t mean a big dramatic confession, but something subtle that might help him become aware of what I feel — and maybe give him space to give a “green light” if he feels something too.


The reason I’m cautious is that:

• If I tell him directly, he could get scared, hurt me, or distance himself.

• We live in a small town, and I’m afraid he might talk to other people if things go wrong.

• Ideally, I’d like this to stay just between the two of us.


So if you have any thoughts on gentle, indirect ways of opening that door without forcing him into a corner, I’d really love to hear them.


Thanks again for your support. It truly means a lot.

 

If you want to soft pedal, how about saying something like this the next time he does something nice for you:

"I really appreciate that you've been such a good friend and so considerate of me. I hope you feel the same way about me."

 

I am not sure if this would work or how close you guys are,Have him over and have some porn on and see if he want to jerk off together.Youed be surprised how guys go str8 for the cock when horny.I hope things work out for you and your friend

 

Also, when you guys are together, not only put the charm on, but when you're laughing together about this or that, try to touch him more. Platonic girlfriends touch each other a lot, innocent touches here or there on each other's bodies, but guys don't really do this. So if you take opportunities to have lingering touches on his arm or shoulder, chest or wherever, thigh maybe, or even give him a slap on his ass, in laughter or whenever, it may provide some subtle hints of something more than platonic. It may even give him the invitation to do the same. More of that for a while and then, who knows, maybe longer periods of lingering, or holding an eye stare together longer than is normal, with a little smile. It's all about "innocent" flirtation, but underneath you'll know there's nothing innocent about it.

But I also definitely like @iowaguy51 's suggestion of jerking off to straight porn together. Maybe do that after you try the touching thing for a couple of months? "Hey, do you wanna come over for some beer and porn?" Then after a while with the porn playing, just take out your cock and start stroking it, all innocent like, you just being turned on by the pussy you're watching. That'll give him the invitation to do the same. After a bit, don't be afraid to openly watch him masturbating, catching his eye and laughing. Also try to make sure that you're sitting side-by-side while jerking off, so he immediately gets used to both of you being as close together as possible while masturbating. Maybe do that a couple of times, and then just say, "Hey, let me help you with that," and then reach over and begin stroking his cock with your hand.

Damn, now I wish I had a buddy that I was into, so that I could try this with him! I stupidly threw out all my straight and gay porn, two huge boxes of it, magazines, VHS tapes and DVDs, at the urging of my last girlfriend, during one particular weak moment, so I have none left. But I could figure out something, either figuring out how to hook up my TV to my computer to play porn off the Internet, or seeing if there is a porn channel on my cable TV that I could subscribe to, or just going out and buying some more porn, or ordering it off the Internet for delivery. I probably should just do that anyway, just to be able to watch some gay porn on my TV whenever I have a hookup over for some fun. Usually we just get at it, strip our clothes off and start making out, sucking each other's cocks on the sofa, before heading to my bedroom for 69 or do some rimming, fingering and fucking. But I suppose I should always have some gay porn ready and available if needed.

 

can you sent me direct message?