Is it really worth all the effort to do a relationship

for context I am a fit, handsome 58 year old man.

I was married and have had relationships since divorce 18 years ago, but nothing beyond 2.5 years.

I find myself asking if I really want to even try any more. I have a f**k buddy I see , but that is all it is. It is fine, and we just have fun and go back to our lives. But, I want more. then there is the freaking effort to date. Just recently i interacted with a women over a 3 week period who canceled our first ate twice. The second time she said she has to put her "dating life on hold" ??? what the hell does that mean.

and anyone relate?

 

:-( Looks like she put you on hold and found someone else! Just my opinion.

 

I think there are many people who don’t wish to commit (is that the correct word?). For my age in early 20’s, I fuck people first casually and now also professionally so no boyfriend or something like that. And my relationships otherwise are much online or sports clubs.

I may be extreme, but I see that with many people my age…sex only for fun.

 

I am generally a long term person I was married 24 years then an awesome 7 year relationship that unfortunately ended when I just couldn’t continue ignoring a disrespectful adult child (long story)

Met a great gal online dated a few years of bliss - moved in together 6 years ago and she completely changed to a jealous nut job overnight… now knee deep financially or I would have left years ago.
Leaving previously I’d lose everything I’ve managed to build. So buying time till my half would be a break even point.

There’s maybe something to be said about being single later in life. FB were always easy to find and no headaches.

 

well, my wife and I have been together 50 years and married 49.. two adult kids returned to town, bought homes just before Covid less than 10 min away.. two granddaughters (2.5 and 6) and another grandkid due next week.. marriage and fatherhood challenged me to grow up..

relationships are what you make of them.. consider and help with your partner's needs before you attempt to satisfy your own wants and Life can be quite good.. one helluva party, actually!

 

Relationships are what you make them. Be the nice guy, and you are a “pussy”. Draw the line and you are an asshole. Kids (Or in my case, step kids) Complicate things. I had a great job/career, and it paid quite well. It gets to the point where money issues rear their ugly heads. I love the kids and grandkids, But I am semi retired, so money gets to be an issue, especially this time of year.
What would my life be like now if I got divorced? I’d lose half of everything that I have built up over the last 3+ decades. my house (she says it’s our house but she hasn’t put a penny into it), half of my savings and retirement. SCREW THAT! I guess I will just remain sadly married and sexless. if I ever got divorced…. again…. I would NEVER consider getting married again at 60+ years old. FWB fine, but I would never put a ring on a finger again. Maybe sell what’s left of my part of the house, buy an RV, and me and the dogs would take off out west. Basically just disappear and get off the grid. Maybe a hook up or two along the way, but that would be it.
Yeah, I am in a bitter old man.

 

where is this picture from? It’s beautiful

 

looking NE at Mount Shasta (14,162') from ridge near Castle Lake, Siskiyou County, CA..
at bottom is Mt Shasta City (pop 3,600.. elev 3,600')... I-5 goes through it and there's 240,000 pop metro areas totaling 90 min north in Oregon.. 180,000 pop metro about 60 min south.. another 40,000 or so 80 min NE (behind mountain) in OR..

 

I whole heartedly agree you get what you put into it. But there’s two sides that need to think this way for it to work.
I have my own two adult kids, both are professionals and 10 grand kids I adore, I have a very respectful relationships with their mother and get along great.

However the current “relationship”, I get along fine with her three adult children, I bought us ahome 2 blocks off the ocean, etc. we see all the kids frequently.
We had traveled with great fun then COVID hit.
She has had bouts of depression that bring out a very hurtful, jealous, spiteful side that is hard to ignore. COVID seemed to amplify these. Things have been said that you can’t un-hear and you question how you never saw this coming. Things have not returned to anything close to pre-pandemic normal.
Counselling offers are declined.

Where to go next… I am a patient man and a break even point is in sight…

 

before going too far into thinking you can just sell 'your half' of the home, get an attorney and verify if you own house as '"joint tenants" or "tenants in common", or whatever terminologies your state uses..

love and property can muddle things.. it's worse than not understanding a color wheel when painting..

I don't know anything about your relational history, but if she 'kept up the household' while you had your 'great job/career' .. and you found joy in having had an opportunity to be a dad (albeit 'step-dad') and a fuller life for more than 30 years with her? she did indeed pay into the household..

I'm going out in a limb here and guess that you two would very likely benefit from some time with a marriage counselor.. Wsy back in early 1990s I started a new career and we'd moved to a small town.. it's great here, but my career required significant travel )over 700,000 miles in 20 years) and a lot of nights away from family (added all together, it was like 2.5 years apart in 20 years).. Couple that with her parents' deaths within two years and life became a living hell.. She was an RN.. she'd come home at 6 pm and just go to the bedroom.. When you're in the middle of all of this, it's very difficult to self-correct. We got therapy.. We'd been married 17 years.. we were both just over 40.. we're still together & happy st 75..

Get a therapist and see if your life together is salvageable.. 60 years of age is a big milestone..

just remember the ancients' wisdom:

20 years growing
20 years thriving
20 years declining
20 years dying

I do wish you both well and hope you enjoy the rest of your journey.. together if possible..

 

there's absolutely no argument from me that sport-fucking is an exceptionally fun lifestyle.. it certainly was for me in my late teens/20s.. hell, I'd just returned from a vacation in Vietnam.. the 101st Airborne Division never told us that when we returned home we'd encounter THE PILL!

it was a helluva party!

but, too much partying grew tiresome.. it's a paradox that - over time - no matter how warm I kept my bed, my life felt a bit colder.. emptier, even as I hung out at beaches from Manhattan to Zuma, hitchhiked thru Canada in January/February 1973, then thumbed rides to Omaha in Spring, then hit the road in July and lived in a friend's family cabin in Rocky Mountain NP and sketched elk to sell in Estes Park, waited tables and cleaned out the pockets of guys who were too drunk to play 9-ball.. then back to LA when the snow started falling, where I remodeled Hollywood homes, painted murals on business walls, drew editorial cartoons for newspapers, spent sleepless nights with hundreds of people; even a few you've seen on theater screens.. but there was no one to "share my life with"... and an aching need for meaning set in..

they say that "when a student is ready, a teacher will arrive".. well, if you change a few things, that happened to me.. I met the lady I've been with for 1/2 century because I wanted a friend first.. and a lover..

my daughter AND son both asked me about how to find someone 'special'.. I just suggested they look for someone they really want to spend their ENTIRE day/night with; not just 1/2-1 hour out of 24...

they've both been married to great people 10 years now.. we're having our third grandchild this week..

but everyone gets to decide what they really want in life, and what they're willing to give up for it..

 

Congrats grandparents!!

 

dating, getting laid, whatever that requires a Y/N response and follow-up action by another is a lot like sales, yes?

and you can't be good at sales if rejection bothers you to the point where you give up..

so try to see this as "that's one I get to cross off my list of prospects!"

control the narrative..
screw 'em.. they're the one who lost the chance.. not you..

go get 'em!

 

I will clarify then rant haha
I am not so-much looking for “action” and jumping from bed to bed those days were satisfied when I was a teen and 20s
I was looking for the forever together through thick and thin but I don’t understand a woman that says god I love you because you are fun and flirty outgoing and spontaneous - now let’s change all that because you are “mine” now.
you need to Cut all ties to friends and everything that has made you the person you are and I fell in love with.

It’s a strange approach - I have, as expected, accepted her as is - baggage and all. We are who we are - and I attempt to keep jealousy in check as I find no use for it, but don’t receive the same courtesy.

so It’s in that respect I think a more casual relationship might have been a easier choice.
I unfortunately seem to move toward the now and forever when I really connect with a women.

 

Well, so far I feel fine, but maybe someday would like a family, or not? Hopefully maybe do this 5-10 years, with money very good and I love variety of men. Don’t know how easy would be to quit and be with one man?