Feeling a girl

I went through a phase - I'll call it - when I was a teenager. I did not feel like I presumed most of the other boys felt in those days. I didn't understand it. I cross-dressed back then. I pretended I was a girl when I was alone. I would get into my mother's closet, wear her wig, try on her things - and tried very hard to put everything back the way I found it - of course, I was not very good at that, and my mother confronted me about it - and simply told me to stay out of her things. I continued for awhile and tried even harder to put things back as I found them.
I never felt I fit in as a boy or even as an equal among male peers. When we are different, we know it.
For me, though - I outgrew it. I feel like a man. I don't know if I act like a man - whatever that is. I recognize my feminine characteristics and the things I enjoy seem to float more feminine than what men enjoy doing. No sports, for example. I'd rather re-arrange furniture. (haha) But, I've lost the desire to actually dress like or be a female. I think I was more confused about sexual orientation than gender orientation. And my sexual orientation is more aligned with female wired brain function than male. And that influences other things far beyond sex.
I am not sure what you are experiencing has anything to do with actually wanting to be a girl, but it might be a sexual thing, and there is not a thing wrong about that.

 

It took me a long, long time to admit to myself, much less others, that I am gay. I look back on the journey. I analyze it all too much. I do not ever remember either of my parents saying anything negative about being gay. I remember my uncle chiding me for playing with my female cousin and her Barbie Doll collection, but just that alone. Once my mother explained to me that two sisters (one who wore overalls and hung with the men) and the other lady (who wore dresses and conversed with the women at gatherings) who were apparently not sisters at all "their door swung both ways". In retrospect, their door did not swing both ways... they were lesbian partners who owned and operated a farm nearby. One of the women was a sister to my mother's good friend. It was not discussed in negative tones or whispers but accepted - and this was back in the 60s. Yet, somehow, I gleaned through my growing up years that who I was, that who I thought about sexually, etc., was not good. I hid it for years - even though some of my friends and cousins have now told me THEY always thought I was gay. Religion (specifically evangelical Christianity) also drove me deeper into self-denial. For a time in my 20s, I explored gay life (late 70s) but I had some bad experiences then, and very little support to examine this. I dated girls and women but I was "the perfect gentleman" despite their advances. I could get passionate, make out with them, but I never pushed them to go all the way. I determined that the key to happiness in my life would be to push the gay away - I prayed. I disciplined myself. And I met a nice lady, and we got married. I kept my secret in hopes that marriage would solve my gayness. It worked for a while. I raised a family. I had a good marriage. But, as time went by, I struggled more and more. I finally decided that I was bisexual. Yet, in truth, I did not have the same strong desires for sex with women as I had for men. Long story, I know... but here's the thing. For you to be free, you have to accept yourself as you are, first... and then navigate your truth with the people you love and care about you. There is no timeline - no acceptable course - but in time, as you grow more accepting of yourself, you will begin to feel that freedom of expression to be your true self. Remember, you only live with yourself 24/7, so take care of yourself!