For bi men whose wife is still "in the dark".......

KD23:

I, certainly, could not have given this "friend" better advice if I tried; you certainly covered all bases here, and told him "what could be going down" in the long run, in no uncertain terms.

IMHO, I think that there are (far) too many bi men who, for whatever the reason, refuse to "face facts" BEFORE the marriage.

Once the knot is tied, well.......we could be talking a major-league clusterfuck, at somewhere along the line.

At the very least, BEFORE the marriage, the WORST she could do is simply up and leave him, and, in reality, that could very well be a blessing in disguise.................

 

It could be a blessing, but it also could be a curse if they really and truly loved each other. It could be a clusterfuck, but it also could be anything but. If a man is bi when he meets her and they get to the "will you marry me?" phase of things, some say that he should tell her up front while some say that he should remain silent since it's too well known that women do not react well... but sometimes, they do. It's always one of those "that shit only happens to other stupid fuckers" and they convince themselves that it won't happen to them and should it happen, well, um, you knew that this could have gone badly and... you did nothing to ward it off even if it was deemed to be inevitable that she was going to find out.

Some think that it'll be a piece of cake to get her to accept his sexuality and be on board with his fantasies of threesomes and the like and... maybe it will be and maybe it won't, which is probably why they say to hope for the best and plan for the worst. If you don't have a plan, that's a problem that should be solved immediately if not sooner.

 

KD23:

It is obvious that the word "maybe" can often be quite shadowy, as in "maybe, maybe not".

I know that, somewhere in the Bible, there is something about "tomorrow's not promised".

If, indeed, "tomorrow's NOT promised". then, really, what in this life is?

Death and taxes, surely, but, other than that, it's anyome's guess HOW your life will play oput as you travel life's often rocky road.

A bisexual man might mull over in his head:

"How do I juggle a wife with my desire to have sex with other men?"

"How do I know if my future wife will accept me for WHO I am, and not judge me by my sexuality alone?"

"How do I know my closest buddies will react favorably to my m2m desires, should I share my wants and needs with them?"

NOTHING in this life, outside of the aforementioned death and taxes; life's highway can be full of many unexpected twists and turns, REGARDLESS of our sexuality....once again, common sense and "gut feelings" should never be dismissed..........

 

Then, also, you must also consider those bi men who naively believe that, once married (translated into "Pussy-On-Call", 24-hour service) that it will eventually cause him to lose all desire to have sex with other men.

Ain't gonna happen, buddy............

 

Think also, of the bi married male looking to the internet for a connection with a "FWB" in his area, going to the various "hook up" sites; woe to him if the "unsuspecting" wife becomes savvy to his internet "cruising" for male partners.....I sure wouldn't want to be in the room when hubby is confronted with this discovery.............

 

All of this - and a lot more - are things that married bi guys and bi guys trying to get married can have running around inside their head and they're either going to learn how to ignore it so they can be faithful to their wive or future wife or they won't be able to and just thinking about some of the things you've mentioned can cause. issues inside his head and can wind up being a major distraction.

That last thing - hitting the internet looking for Mr. Right or even Mr. Right Now - can be a serious problem any time a husband and wife share a computer, or they have access to each other's phones; things like not clearing out a browser's history along with any cookies collected is a mistake a lot of men make and usually because they don't know how to do it or, if they do know, it's too much of a hassle, they forget and the biggest mistake is leaving their phone where their wife can get her hands on it. Not knowing how to create separate login profiles on a computer has gotten many a bisexual man in the very deep doo-doo with a wife that even accidentally stumbled across any or all sites he's been visiting. Guys who get a "burner phone" is doing a smart thing by keeping a separate phone - and keeping it hidden - from the wive unless you have a legit reason to have more than one phone but whether you do or not, you do not ever leave the phone lying around; you never leave it unsecured; you sure as fuck never tell her how to access your phone if you have stuff on it you'd prefer she not know about.

If she goes snooping through your devices, she should find... absolutely nothing that'll point to you being out there getting some dick. Especially if she knows more about your devices than you do.

Sheesh. The guys who have successfully found a way to "bypass the wife" so they can have the man-sex they want have already accounting for all of the potential shit that could go sideways; they also know that any slip-up on their part can out them to her and... maybe the shit hits the fan and maybe it doesn't but, again, you hope for the best and plan for the worse

A lot of men realize that "life's too short" isn't just some campy saying: It really is too short. Knowing this has been the motivation to go get the cock they've been wanting but prohibited from getting. Sorry, baby, but if your sex drive has already circled the drain, mine hasn't and... life's too short to not do something about it.

 

kD23:

AAAAAAA++++++++++++++++++

Another EXCELLENT, well-versed, MATURE response, one that offers MUCH in the way of "food for thought", and, also, provides a good deal of insight (as well as common sense!)

 

A bit of SOUND ADVICE to any bisexual man...........

NEVER......repeat, NEVER date (or marry!) a woman named "LORENA"(!!!!!)

IMHO, you will do a LOT better (and be a LOT safer!) in the "LONG run"!

 

All kidding aside...........

You also have to wonder if the wife of a bisexual man asks him to consider sex therapy, to try to "cleanse him" of his deep-seated desires to have sex with other men; IMHO, ever think of how many bi married men look at m/m sex with a FWB as "therapy" in itself, especially if he is in a virtually-sexless marriage....

 

I've heard of guys going to therapy; I don't know if it really works. I can't imagine sitting and talking to someone about my bisexuality and... it's likely that they're not bisexual. I appreciate what their job is about but I'm not sure if a bisexual can be "cleansed" of what is obviously a natural desire albeit a forbidden one and I personally don't care what school they went to or what they were taught or even how many bisexuals they had on their couch, but if you're not bisexual, how can you begin to understand what it means and feels like to us? Again, personally, if my wife were to suggest I go to therapy about my bisexuality, after I stopped laughing at her, I wouldn't go.

Um, yeah, sex is pretty fucking therapeutic, I'd say. You make a man celibate and that creates a fuck-ton of emotional and physical pressures within him that can build to a point where he needs to do something about it and if that something is watching a skilled male cocksucker devouring his dick like it's his last meal, then so be it. Busting a nut this way, obviously, is way better than masturbation but, importantly, some of that pressure gets taken off of him and more so when now, he has confirmed that he has an outlet or maybe he already knew what it was like to be with a guy before he got married so now he remembers how good it can feel being a "bad boy."

I can't stop rolling my eyes about therapy being a way to cleanse someone's sexuality. I think it's a silly notion since such "cleansing" was tried on many a homosexual and sometimes with disastrous results and while I understand that there are therapists who have trained to deal with sexuality issues, there are way too many who have traditional training and, as such, suggesting that a bisexual or homosexual not be what they are doesn't make sense to me.

Years ago, I was talking with a therapist who tried to hypnotize me into not smoking and we got to talking about stressors which lead to questions about my sex life and my sexuality and I think I blew girlfriend's mind and then had a good laugh - for real - when she suggested that I try to be heterosexual because she thought my bisexuality was causing me stress. I politely told her that the only stress my bisexuality causes me is when a guy is about to make me cum. The bottom line was that she said that she wished she hadn't asked me about my sexuality because I did appear to be well-adjusted.

I did tell her, "If you're not a bisexual, you're not really going to be able to understand what it's like." I also picked on her by saying, "You trying to 'cure' me of my bisexuality is like trying to cure me for being Black..."

 

KD23:

Another OUTSTANDING "commentary", my friend!

As I NEVER believed in "labeling", especially when it comes to a man's sexual leanings, it should simply be stated that the bi man simply LOVES sex, and WILL NOT pass up the chance to have sex with either a man OR a woman!

Too bad too many totally str8 guys can't see it that way: I know, I worked side-by-side with TOO MANY yo count, over the years.

"Sex is Sex".........PERIOD!

ENJOY to the HILT, and fuck the all narrow-minded bullshit labeling and stigmas!

"Hey, I love to fuck WOMEN and MEN....if you have a problem with that, well, YOU are the one LOSING OUT, pal!"

 

The labeling is what it has always been. Thanks to the tribal nature of humans, we need the labels to tell "us from them," so that those who are not like us are against us and a behavior that even after we've been around for 315,000 years, we still haven't outgrown.

The labels aren't the problem here and if you or anyone else doesn't like them, all you can do is not like them - and it changes nothing. Next.

One of the most important lessons I know that I learned about being bisexual is that just because you can do it doesn't mean you have to do it. I couldn't begin to put a number to the times where I could have had sex with someone and... I didn't. I wanted to. They wanted to. The better thing to do was nothing in that moment. All bets were off the next day. If you have all this social media bullshit running around in your head - and let's not forget that a lot of it is still the dumb shit I heard way back in 1964, then you're not enjoying your life as a bisexual.

There are a lot of people who can't see it the way bisexuals can see it. We know what it's like to be straight and we know what's it's like to be gay. It's like I used to tell my detractors, "You're just mad because I can do something that you can't do, that you're afraid to do. Not my problem."

She has choices, too. File for divorce. Look the other way and remain silent about what he may be doing with someone else. Give him permission to be unfaithful and knowing that such a thing goes against everything she believes in. Whatever choice she makes is a choice she has to live with and all while thinking about how fucking unfair life is.

If you don't take care of your man/woman, someone else can and will... and they might be of the same sex.

 

KD23:

It is quite clear from your responses (in this topic, and in all others); you've not only "seen the world" (and then some!) bisexuality-wide, but also, are obviously very well educated and highly literate.....good show, my friend!

It is also obvious that you have really been able to "break down" the thoughts, urges, and many issues concerning bi married men today, and relate them here, as a professional would.

What makes being a bi married men even more complicated, I feel, is the almost-constant UNCERTAINTY he faces daily, especially if the wife has no clue as to his true sexuality; so much could not only involve the couple themselves, but the entire family, which easily can go into "full destruct mode".....ain't pretty, for sure........

 

When there's a married man before you, nervously sweating as he's trying to figure out how he can ask if he can suck my dick - or if I want to suck his - I wanted to know why. The perception, at the time, was that if you were married, then you could get all the pussy you'd ever want from your wife, but I found that this wasn't the truth given how many married guys I'd had sex with over a period of time. While a lot of people were focused on what - cocksucking, ass fucking, other forms of debauchery - my mind was (and still is) always asking, "Why? Why is this like this?" and I found out a lot of shit that answers the question.

When you've sat with other married men - and specifically the ones looking for that first experience - and I ask questions, I find out why he's sitting here waiting for the pregnant pause to arrive so I can get to the delicious business of sucking him off and over the decades, I have heard so many reasons why he wants me to bury my dick in his ass, or hammer my dick down his throat and why he's not happy with his wife, has other wifely issues that only another married man can understand, and the list goes on with some complexity since every husband sees their situation differently but the solution is for us to get naked and, at the very least, I get to give him his first lesson in the art of fellatio.

Whether she knows or not isn't a complication and it's not so much uncertainty but it's a sense of trepidation or even dread because the man in hiding is always asking in the back of his mind, "What do I do if she finds out? What is she going to say or do? What's going to happen to our marriage? Why did I decide to suck "Chuck's" big dick?" and with the understanding that it could all go sideways because if he doesn't know about anything else, he's heard the horror stories and, like so many of us, he's more likely to believe them than the truth.

The truth is that there's no way for him to really know what could happen... until it does. A lot of married bisexual men make their situation more complicated than it "naturally" is and usually by overthinking everything and, all too often, trying to operate without a lot of factual information or, in my opinion, worse, following along with the crowd as far as the misinformation being bandied about on the Internet as a whole - and misinformation being handed out by people who aren't bisexual and dredging up the tired, old bullshit that was aimed at homosexuals for the longest fucking time and, yeah, right up to and including telling bi guys that it's better to have an FWB and establish a relationship with him because that's the way it is... when it never was. What complicates this particular thing is that being married is "bad enough" in the minds and opinions of many a married man but now he's trying to take on a more casual type of relationship, albeit a sexual one - but one that could have romantic overtones or it's an end-goal for one or both men - and who among us knows how to handle multiple relationships, hmm?

I always point to my protege, who isn't married but he often complained about women being stingy with the pussy or wanting more from him to get it than he was willing to give and even though by the time we met, he'd had a couple of experiences with a guy, he was operating without factual information and perceptions and it took me years to disabuse him of the bullshit he was paying the most attention to. Men who have commitment issues should not try to engage with an FWB and he didn't seem to understand that if he was good in bed with a guy, it could get the guy into his feelings and this "casual, NSA" thing he thought he had turned out to be a very major pain in his ass and one that also took me years to disabuse him of and usually by saying, "That's what you get for being good at what you do..." He got infected multiple times by a couple of FWBs and I hated to tell him that I told him - warned him - about this but, yeah, sometimes, you just gotta let a guy find out the hard way.

He and his current FWB are so good together that I keep asking him when the wedding is and that they name their first child after me. It's not that married men cannot do whatever they need to do to get the man-sex they crave - it's that they have to be disabused of the bullshit coming from people who, again, do not have any fucking idea what they're talking about and they have us confused with gay men... and they probably watch too much "gay porn."

Think about that one for a moment or two.

 

KD23:

Once again, an EXCELLENT, THOROUGH, and CONCISE response......you sure have your act together, my friend....you seem to know just about ALL the ins and outs, "what ifs", latent desires, stigmas, etc.......great comments and "food for thought", all around!

Makes you just want to shout out:

"Hey, dudes, SEX is SEX, pure and simple! As long as it is between two consenting adults, then, WHAT the hell is the problem? Fuck the stigmas and narrow-minded bullshit! "

'nuff said!

 

You can tell them that - but they still have to be able to do it and it's not easy. It's not impossible because, duh, a lot of married men do it every moment of every day, all across the planet. Is it difficult for some? Yes, most definitely but it can be done. Should it be done? That depends, of course: What would doing it mean to you? Is doing it with a man worth the potential clusterfuck you've heard about? The logistics involved can be daunting and can cause headaches but as I've said, if it's something that you really want and need to do, you'll find a way to do it.

The problem is does the consenting adult rule apply to married people? In the here and now, you have to be a legal adult in order to get married in the first place almost everywhere in the US so that also means that you're a consenting adult and if you wanna consent, you can... except you're married. Vowed to forsake all others and to keep only unto yourselves. To let no man/no one put asunder. Both moral and legal implications if you don't obey the vows you swore that you'd obey. Being a consenting adult... doesn't mean a whole lot, does it?

That's what the hell the problem is.

If you're going to be sucking cocks with a married guy, you'd better know the ins and outs and all that other stuff since doing him makes you an accomplice to his infidelity but if it's just two guys, it's okay... isn't it? Consenting adults versus the law of the land and, oh, yeah, "Thou shalt not commit adultery."

Oh, boy...

 

KD23:

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave........"

In the discussion of this "hot button issue" topic, the complexities, double standards, what ifs, moral dilemmas, family issues, overall marital status, etc., are many and often quite convoluted.

NOT for the faint of heart, to be sure.

Here again, "hut feelings" and simple common sense are NOT to be taken lightly, NOR should your own needs, wants, and desires, which have been probably buried deep for far too long.........

 

I don't recall mentioning any double standards, but they could exist if wifey were found to have a love of pussy or, yeah, she's getting some new dick, and she's telling him that she can do this... but he can't do the same with a guy, let alone another woman. This only comes into play when the extramarital activities have been exposed and all the dirty laundry is on the floor for all to see.

It makes keeping the wife in the dark a very moot point. It's not really all that convoluted because the whole thing is fairly straightforward. There are a lot of I's to dot and T's to cross in order to slide to the side so the married guy who's not getting any wifely pussy can pursue his desires for cock. Marriage illogically demands that one person be all and everything the other person will ever need and until death do them part. The wife who no longer wants to be bothered with sex - and the sex her husband very much still needs - clearly is no longer all that he will ever want and need, has she? Marriage says and mandates that if she doesn't want to have sex with you, she doesn't have to and there's nothing you can do about it other than to divorce her which, fuck, you might find out that it's cheaper to keep her.

If she's not going to take care of your needs, who's supposed to? Marriage says, "No one, asshole. Too bad and it sucks to be you." The real world says there's something you can do about it... if you really want it badly enough and those who do figure out how to put their wife in the dark and keep her there so they can do what they have to do.

There's the simplicity in this. We didn't create this tangled web but religion and our social norms/contracts created it and with a stupidly juvenile way of looking at sex that they foisted on all of us going forward so when someone figures out how they can get out of the web without being eaten alive, they do it because Rule Number One has always been "Look after your own ass first." Because if you don't, no one else is going to. Law of the jungle stuff.

 

KD23:

Your last comment really reminded me of my late mother.

How many times she would say, "In this life you have to learn to take care of yourself, because no one else will. I learned that a long, long time ago."

Makes damn good sense to me.........

 

It should make damned good sense to everyone - but. You see, being married calls for being willing and able to sacrifice yourself for the good of the relationship... or so they say. As a husband, you are expected, requested, required, and demanded to sacrifice a lot so that you can make and keep your wife happy and to provide for her and any children you may have. If you stay married to her long enough, one of the things you will ultimately sacrifice is... your need for sex. She will be robbed of her desire and even if she wanted to have sex, it'll be too painful for her so no more sex. That means you, too. Being in a relationship doesn't give you any recourse in this other than to dissolve the relationship. Many of the men keeping her in the dark are doing so because they still love her and do not want to leave her... but needs must; they always must and as a lot of us guys know, you can only beat your meat so much and until you're just doing it and not getting any satisfaction from it.

So... now what? Husbands rarely get to ask, "What about me? What about my feelings, what I want and need?" and if they do, well, they must be some kind of a whiny little bitch that needs to grow a pair and hope they drop like a real man's balls should have already done. This... threat to your mental and physical well-being is real and reported to be life-shortening as well so... whatcha gonna do? Accept celibacy and very likely wind up dying before she does or... talk to your boy "Stan" and see if he'd be interested in getting a blowjob from you?

If I didn't already have permission, I know what I would do in this situation... and it wouldn't be accepting having celibacy forced onto me. Rule Number One is always in effect and especially in this situation...