When, if ever, does a bisexual man become gay?

About as well said as possible. We are what we are and like what we like so enjoy it to the fullest. Labels are stupid.

 

Im in the same boat and gone the bi route. At this age, it doens't matter and doing whatever is necessary (sucking cock) works. Bottom Line is there is no comparison to a good woman. Im forunate to have a good woman who backs me in my endeavors for continued sexual satisfaction.

 

Doesn't really matter if you refuse to be labeled; you will be labeled just the same so you might as well go ahead and do what you gotta do and stop riffing over something that you can't do anything about other than not pay attention to label angst which is just the haters out there doing their best to erase the notion of bisexuality being real by insinuating that the labels don't mean anything when they always did - but bisexual is being "expanded" by leaps and bounds and in ways that even I don't pretend to understand; it's stuff that has me asking, "What the fuck are they talking about?" because whatever it is, it's not bisexuality as I've learned to understand it.

One always chooses to act on whatever they're feeling; being male, my only "choice" was to be heterosexual and, well, we see how that worked out, huh? Had the sex laid on me, found it very much to my liking, haven't looked back ever since but, still, I had to choose to do what I was doing while trying to understand why I was doing what I was doing and I have an... understanding about it all and to the extent that if I could have chosen to be bisexual, that's the choice I would have made but, as such, some drunk and horny dude "made that choice" for me... but I still had to choose to continue on the path of sexual duality and diversity.

I'll say it again and will keep on saying it: It is pure, unadulterated bullshit to assume, insinuate, or imply that a bisexual man, at some point, is going to become a gay man - and this is the bullshit that we need to stop paying attention to or buying into - and let alone believing in. It's the same stupid-assed shit I heard when I became bisexual in 1964 and that, my friends, should tell you something about how long this bullshit has been around - and how long so many bisexual men have been believing it or have been told that if they have sex with a guy, they're gonna be gay - but since being gay is bad and all that, look at how many men, here in 2024, are afraid to express their sexuality because they have concerns about becoming gay... then ask yourself if this makes any damned sense. Being bisexual is not being on the way to being gay... unless, again, one finds that the gay lifestyle suits them better - and then they choose to pursue this lifestyle.

 

I totally agree. I have a few times asked myself after sexual escapades with other men if I am gay or not but then three days later, I am having a fantastic sexual afternoon with a woman. This would alternate between men and women as I did eventually determine for myself, NO, I am not gay as I still desire sexual relations with a woman equally as much as I desire sexual relations with another man. Most of my relations with men are oral sex, and we enjoy pleasuring each other. It's rare occasions that I allow a man or men to penetrate my ass. I still desire the warm, softness, and allure that a woman provides.

 

I'm with you on this; sucking dick is nice as is occasionally getting screwed, but being with a woman is the shit. I got to see gayness through the eyes of my gay boyfriend and the picture he painted for me was pretty sad; he had told me that one of the reasons why he fell in love with was because I wasn't gay; between my experiences with him and being with other gay men, I can't imagine having a sexual existence that consisted of dick only and no more than having an existence that consists of only pussy... but it just pisses me off to hear this bullshit about bi guys going to turn into gay guys because all that crap does is fuck with the heads of men who, if this wasn't being thrown around, they'd be happily having the sex with guys that they want to get into instead of worrying about turning into a gay man... in 2024.

Are you fucking kidding me? Like I said that shit was old when I heard it 60 years ago in 1964!

 

I think I can call myself gay. I hate to place myself in a category, but the fact is that I haven't had sex with a woman in long time while I have an active sexlife.

I have a lot of sex with my man and I am starting to think that this is the most enjoyable sex in my whole life.
I still like to see a female body and I could easily have sex with a woman. But still, I prefer this one man in my life.

I am guessing that this sexual exploration is turning into a meaningful relationship. Love? I don't know, but it's possible. Do I love the man or sex with him? Maybe both.

I never ever thought that this could happen to me. Being with a man, being a btm, spending all my weekends with this man... And loving it all more that I could ever imagine.

And after all I am thinking that maybe I shouldn't care. Why not just enjoy and let it go as it goes. Confusing it is anyway.

 

Yeah, when I fell in love with my gay boyfriend, I had similar thoughts to the ones you shared and realized that, end of the day, just dive in and enjoy being in this unusual and unexpected moment. It wasn't like I was exchanging a man for a woman; I told my wife how I felt about him, and she had said, "That's cute!" - then told me that she already knew how he felt about me because he told her - and got her permission to pursue me! Sneaky! Even though we were in love and the sex, whew, holy fuck, was he ever amazing in bed and was more of a voracious cocksucker than I was, I couldn't see myself being gay. I talked to him about this one day and that's when he said that one of the reasons why he fell in love with me was because I wasn't gay and that I shouldn't change who or what I am.

There's having sex with a guy then there's being in love with a guy, which amplifies the sex and it's wonderful and confusing when you're pretty sure that you could never fall in love with a guy - and then you do and then you understand that love doesn't care about your sexual orientation... or anything else that we think is important, for that matter. I'm bi, he was effeminately gay, and we fit together well as a couple (both in and out of bed), and he even got to find out what it's like to get some pussy and said afterward, "Now I understand why you're the way you are; it's not something I'd do all of the time but, yeah, pussy ain't all that bad!" That just made me love him more because he "broke some rules about being gay" so that he could better understand me.

But he wasn't going to live a bisexual life any more than I was going to live a gay one. I knew that some guys go from straight to bi to gay... but it's not all of us; bi guys become gay guys if being gay is what they find works for them in their life so if you think that you're feeling bi - but fearful of exploring the possibilities because you might turn into a gay dude - well, don't believe that shit! Get off the bench and into the game! The sex could turn into a meaningful relationship... if it's meant to be and that what the two of you want but, yeah, sure - enjoy the ride and revel in it!

 

I am on my way to spend a weekend with my boyfriend. In less than an hour I will be naked sucking his dick. I will be taking him in my ass numerous times during the weekend. And I couldn't imagine anything better right now. If a woman offered herself to me, I would just keep walking. I feel very good and excited. So I think it's fair to say that I can call myself gay at this point. Turning back some day? I have no idea! And I really don't even care.

 

This is informative. Thanks for sharing.

 

Yes, I can almost say that I am/was one of those bisexual men who became gay. Almost.

I apologize about continually ruminating on this issue about my own personal sexual orientation. I'm just trying to understand my sexuality throughout my life, and trying to understand how I got here at 63 to identify as a gay man.

My sexuality began at 8, when I was a straight boy, with sexual and romantic feelings for girls, while exclusively having sex with a boy, something that continued until we were 13. I continued being straight after that breakup, perhaps falling into the powerful cultural pressure for heterosexuality, but with no sex with anyone again (just nonstop rejection by girls and women) until I was 27 and lost my virginity with a girl, who became girlfriend #1.

Our breakup 3 years later led to nonstop sexual desires for and fantasies about men--that has never stopped, always becoming strongest when rejected by yet another woman. I then identified as bi-confused for the next 21 years, having anonymous oral sex with hundreds of men, until sexual intercourse with another man for the first time, the greatest sexual experience of my life, led to finally accepting my bisexuality. I then began having more meaningful sexual relationships with men, that sometimes included anal, and loved everything about another man's body, including passionately kissing.

It was another breakup, with girlfriend #2 after another three-year relationship, just before Covid hit, that "turned me gay." Or more accurately said, it was the crazy, rollercoaster, manipulative relationship with her that "turned me gay." But I need to have this phrase quoted because I don't think that's what really happened. But it's still more accurate than saying I chose to be gay.

What I mean by this is that I do agree with KDaddy23 on one point:

The vast majority of bisexual men are in the TRADE/STRAIGHT PLUS category, as TwinT writes about above, only interested in cock, and nothing else about a man's body or person, so they can barely be called bisexual. But of course they can call themselves whatever they wish, or choose no label at all. But to suggest that such men would usually end up with the gay label is absurd. And I certainly was never in this category myself. As soon as those gay desires and fantasies started for me in adulthood, it included almost all possible sexual activity with other men (oral, anal (rimming and fucking), body kissing and licking, passionate kissing, etc.), and even romance, love and marriage. It just never manifested during those 21 years when I was naked with a real man. It just remained in my fantasies and the porn I loved. I now realize that that bi-confusion was my unconscious mind trying to conform to society's heteronormative pressures by repressing those gay desires and feelings when actually in a sexual situation with another man.

But what I don't agree with is KDaddy23's next point:

There seems, at least to me, and implication in how he words this that turning or being gay is a choice. That certainly was not my experience when my girlfriend #2 relationship ended. I no more chose to be gay then than I chose to be straight or bisexual earlier in my life. And even if we look at it literally as a lifestyle that was chosen, which infers behaviours or actions, I can't really say it's a choice. Yes, at some level I choose to now have sex with men exclusively, but it's more really about a compulsion, driven out of desires and feelings I have--really from who I am, at least in the moment.

So this brings me back to that phrase, "turned me gay," and ultimately to the OP's question, "When, if ever, does a bisexual man become gay?" I believe, despite my attraction to girls and women all my life, and my enjoyment, sometimes, with having sex with both girlfriends, and the one time with a prostitute (the only 3 women I've had sex with), I believe I was born homosexual. It just took my combined experiences of sex with my childhood boyfriend, my failure with girls and women, my tumultuous long-term relationships with my two girlfriends and their ultimate breakups, and anal sex with men, to realize and accept my homosexuality. Or you can say I'm just mostly gay, and have always been so. It's just taken a super long time to consciously accept and love.

And I believe the same can be said in the case of other men who end up identifying as gay. And most bisexual, and certainly trade/straight plus, men are not gay.

 

Choice. So much that people don't seem to understand about what the word means. You can't do shit about your feelings; you didn't ask for them, didn't want them, other such things I've heard time and time again including gay men strongly insisting that they didn't have a choice in their gayness... but one does have to choose to act on whatever they're feeling, don't they? Or they choose to forego any actions regarding their feelings or, classically, choose to do their best to ignore their physical and/or emotional attraction to men.

I tell those who disagree with me on this that you cannot escape choice in anything. I didn't choose to fall in love with my boyfriend but I did; it happened and, more than that, I did have to choose what I was going to do, if anything, about the way I felt about him and after hearing how he really felt about me. I chose to do something about it. I maintain that I wouldn't choose to live a gay lifestyle and I will, until the day I die, debunk that nonsense that bi guys are just on their way to being gay because, obviously, it's not the truth and as much as I've heard this from gay men, yeah, it's gay propaganda more than it is a hard truth and/or a given.

Some guys go from straight to bi to gay and that's a fact... and some guys stop at being bi and for whatever reason they've decided. Classically, a lot of guys "stop at bi" because of the great stigma and angst that still exists toward homosexual men or they know that they'd catch all kinds of hell from family and friends if it was discovered that they're not only bi but they're really gay. Still, they could feel more gay than bi and this, too, is a fact of the matter but they have to choose what, if anything, they're going to do about those feelings. It feels like you don't have a choice but to act on them but the reality of things continues to exist: You do have a choice. You do choose to do whatever you're doing about your sexuality. You don't choose to have the feelings that lead to you becoming gay. Facts of life and if you don't believe me, then you just don't.

I grew up around people who, clearly, didn't understand sexuality other than you're either straight or gay. Why are guys gay? A whole lot of reasons including having the shittiest luck in the world with women or, simply, they find out that women just don't work for them in any way and... it's choice time for them. Keep trying things with women; give being bisexual a try; ditch women and stick with guys only; become asexual and celibate. Like I said, I know it doesn't feel like choice but I found out that you cannot escape choice because you do have to decide what you're going to do - then do it. Or you choose not to and for various reasons. RisingBi, I personally knew about twenty guys who started out straight, became bisexual - and I'm the one who introduced them to sex with men - and decided that being gay was what worked for them.

They, too, said they didn't a choice in the matter. Growing up around homosexuals who said that they were born this way and didn't choose to be gay and... learning that they were partially right about that but they still choose to act on the feelings that they were born with and, sorry, there's just no denying that. Even I had to make a choice in my sexuality even though being with both felt like the most natural thing to be, but I realized that I had to choose to act... because I didn't have to. You betcha, I was going to act and like being bi was going to be declared illegal any moment and I still revel in my bisexuality and, honestly, even in retrospect, there was no damned way that I wasn't going to act on the duality of my feelings... but I wouldn't choose to live a gay lifestyle and, yes, it would be a choice and no matter how I might be feeling.

The truth, my friend, is that you did choose to live the life and lifestyle you're living now... but not every bisexual man is going to do that unless he decides that being gay is what he really is and then he chooses to take on the gay lifestyle and in its entirety. Everyone's results in this will always be different. When, if ever, does a bisexual man become gay? When he decides that it's in his best interests and choose to act on his very gay feelings - and no matter why he feels gay. I'm not gay; I wouldn't want to be gay; I'm living proof that not all bisexual men become gay men.

 

It wasn't until my wife made me an offer I couldn't/wouldn't refuse. I worked in an industry that was surrounded with gay men and women. I was cool with it. I had been hit on by a number of men, but never accepted including our old very close gay friend., which is a story in itself. I was desperately horny and she knew it. She told me that she would do the thing that I had asked her for, for years. Very simple, If I let him do it with me, then my wife would fuck my ass. A week later he came by my whse and gave me a great blowjob. I didn't suck him because he came in his pants while sucking my cock. When I told my wife and asked her to peg my ass, she said not until I return the favor. She even set it up at our home and watched as I sucked his cock. All I could think about was how she was finally going to fuck my ass . It was a very exciting experience to do it, especialy with her watching me and commenting. It was more of a logical decisionthat I am happy I made.

 

Kdaddy, you really hit the nail on the head about the "specter of gayness" looming over bi men like a dark cloud!
I admire all the struggles gay men went through before & during my time. But the fact of so many gay men claiming to be bi & using it as a social stepping stone to admitting & living as a gay man has done a great disservice to us bi guys!
Especially those who married women, trying to supress it, and then came out as bi or gay and left their wife and family to run away and join the "gay circus"! It is that, and the risk of spread of hiv that demonized bi men for most women.
Also is the BS thinking that you can't be a "real man" or a strong protector if you enjoy playing with cocks or fucking men for fun & pleasure.

I suspect it's more the fear of a majority of women wanting nothing to do with us for those reasons above, that keeps so many of us bi men from being publicly out?!

Imagine if the vast majority of women thought that a man being bi was desirable, and made him a better lover, partner and parent? Well, an Australian study and book of women partnered with bi men showed that was the case! Many women said they'd only date bi men again if they had to start over!

Hetero men would hide in the closet so they could compete, get the girl, get laid! It is getting better with each passing generation of bi men being accepted by a larger percentage of women, thankfully!

I don't fully blame women for being hesistant based on the stories they've heard? Women don't spread gossip about the bi husband who stays with her? But the husband who turned gay and left her alone with kids - which makes it harder for her to remarry a good guy - sure does make the gossip rounds! That fear of being unable to sexually compete against another guy to keep her man is the big reason for the stigma! Women think they can fight fire with fire against the threat of another pair of tits and a pussy.

I believe the reality is that the majority of bi men are more attracted to women sexually. And likely are hetero-romantic, or strongly leaning that way if bi-romantic. And if women realized that, and their bi man isnt going to leave her for another bi or gay man, they wouldn't have a stigma against it either?

 

So, many years ago, there was a 'rumor' that there were gay men posing as straight men and doing stuff like marrying women and even fathering children to hide the fact that they were really gay. "Straight acting" became a major point for bi guys to emphasize when soliciting other men for sex and, I dunno, bi guys started saying that they were straight acting and I was wondering why since, um, duh, being straight was like a default behavior.

Like Suburbanray, I heard all the bullshit about being less of a man if you had sex with men, sucked cock, took it in the ass or, yeah, you're really gay so just admit that you are... and like it was really socially okay to admit to being gay... and it never was.

Women. Sheesh. I had a woman rip me a new one and saying that I was trespassing on her territory because I sucked dick; she ranted and raved that I was not ever supposed to want, let alone allow, a guy to blow me when it was her job as a woman. I interrupted her at this point and asked, "Okay, so, um, how about giving me a blowjob right now?"

She looked at me like I called her momma a whore and, of course, went on a rant about how I couldn't ask her for a blowjob and, yeah, women. Getting offended because I'm bisexual, insisting that I'm really gay and I'm lying to her about it and, yeah, buying into all the horror stories they heard from other women about us lying, cheating, in denial gay motherfuckers on the down-low, so on and so forth and eye-rollingly so.

We are taught to be attracted to women and only women. All well and good but the part they don't tell anyone is that a guy can be, at the very least, sexually attracted to another guy but what fucks this up is the assumption that because we can be romantically attracted to women (and like we're supposed to be), we should romantically attracted to men, too, and... no, y'all really don't understand how this really works - but this is what they get for believing the bullshit and not being willing to accept the truth or, like I've told many a woman, "When I want to suck a dick, you don't have one..."

I felt that women seriously objected to bisexual men because their little "game" of ransoming the pussy and other affections wasn't the power over us that they hoped, wanted, and expected to be because, um, yeah, Connie, if you don't wanna suck my dick because of... some stuff, that's fine - Ron will give me a blowjob, no questions asked and without any drama whatsoever. What guy wouldn't want to be in a sexual situation where there is little or no drama, not fraught with conditions, not being victimized by the shit that goes on in a woman's head because some other guy fucked her up about sex, and, well, if you haven't heard any of this, now you know.

It is not impossible for a guy to fall in love with another guy because love... doesn't give a fuck if the person you love is male, female, or whatever designation they've applied to themselves. Our social norms forbid any sexual and/or romantic interactions between men but as much as our social norms want to continue the smear campaign against homosexuality, they know it exists and it always has and... so has bisexuality. Our social and moral norms are aware of this; they have effectively turned women against bisexual men but have been known to befriend gay men and... go figure but I thought it was because they believed that a gay man wouldn't want to have sex with them... and some of them were wrong about that but I'm seriously digressing at this point and I apologize for it.

I've told many a woman that my desire to have sex with a man has nothing to do with my feelings and desires for her. How hard is this for them to understand is beyond me. Am I gonna leave her to be with a man? Oh, hell, no, because if that was the case, honey, I'd be with a man instead of being with you. Am I really gay? No, I am not, never have been, wouldn't want to be - and very likely for reasons that you, my dear, aren't really going to understand.

And it is not unheard of for a man having to deal with "girl problems" when (a) they're bi or (b) they decide that they've had enough of their bullshit and find that being with a man is... better. It's just a matter of fact that a bi guy is going to become a gay one unless it's what suits his purposes and other goals in life.

 

I'm a little confused about what a "gay lifestyle" is. So, I identify as gay now since the beginning of 2020, certainly prefer men, love everything about them, enjoy sex with them a lot, and feel very much at home when I'm having sex with them, and have developed romantic crushes on a couple different guys in the last couple of years. And although I feel attraction and desire for some women still, I feel repulsion at the thought of ever having sex with a woman again. But that's all internal stuff. No lifestyle there.

As to external behaviors, I really love sharing my m2m experiences and writing about my gay fantasies here, and on Sharesome where I can accompany my writing with pictures and videos (of other naked men or men having sex together). I love hanging out with my many gay friends at the social meetups and occasionally on other occasions (like a house Christmas party, a backyard barbecue, visit to a local, co-ed straight nudist resort, and at small, local, low-key pride events every June): they feel like "my people". I love being able to just be myself around them, which I guess is more of an internal thing, more strongly in touch with my homosexuality while in their company, which always feels great. But I'm also NOT censoring my pinky finger rise when I'm drinking my ice tea or water from a glass with them, but I do so in my closeted world. So is all this what is meant by gay lifestyle?

Otherwise I just present as a masculine, you could say straight, guy, around my gay friends/acquaintances and in every day life, just because that's who I am, and not because I'm censoring everything (in my opinion male femininity has nothing to do with homosexuality or bisexuality, not per se). So I certainly don't have that flamboyant physical mannerisms and way of speaking that has become a homosexual man's stereotype. And the vast majority of the gay men in this huge gay men's meetup group I'm part of (hundreds of guys are in it), are also masculine and straight acting. But those flamboyant characteristics no longer turn me off in another man either, like they did when I was identifying as bisexual, and I'm equally attracted to those kinds of guys, young twinks, mature men, masculine men, and feminine men. And a little bit to women with cocks in porn.

I'm trying to think what this "gay lifestyle" is. Certainly I hear a lot about, and see for my very own eyes, the lack of monogamy between gay partners in long-term relationships. But we certainly have that in the bi community. Is gay lifestyle about men falling in love and becoming boyfriends, eventually living together, and eventually getting married to each other, and having a home together? But certainly bisexual men fall in love and become boyfriends, and don't consider that living the gay lifestyle. That certainly hasn't happened for me yet, though from my huge meetup group, it seems that gay men are all into long-term relationships: there are very few single men, maybe 5%. But we are also a smaller community in the Niagara Region which serves this meetup group (one city at 130,000 people, Niagara Falls at 88,000, and otherwise a bunch of small towns and villages, mostly rural, spread out over 1800 sq km, or 700 sq miles), with the vast majority of straight, bi and gay people married or common law, like every non-urban part of the world. The demographics might be very different in a large city like nearby Toronto, with a lot more single people in general.

Now, I'm certainly not against falling in love with another man, and him with me, and our being at least close friends with benefits, and maybe even boyfriends. However, if the boyfriend thing happened, then I would come out to all my friends and relatives, whatever the consequences, so we can be open about our relationship. I suppose that would certainly be living some kind of gay lifestyle. In fact, the out versus closeted stuff could determine a lifestyle thing. I'm presently out to maybe a half dozen close friends, but if I were truly out of the closet to everyone else, maybe a whole bunch of things might change for me, and a gay lifestyle would appear? Whatever that is.

 

Our sexuality and who we are attracted to is so individual and subjective, I don’t know we can quantify it into a label. I know my own experience has been a continual evolution that has changed over time.
I have always been attracted to women. All of them, as In the whole woman. Her soft body, her shape, breasts, hips, thighs, feet, I mean every part of them.
And at the same time I was attracted to men’s cocks at an early age and that had evolved over time to include more of the man, it hasn’t over shadowed my attraction for women. And while I have found myself seeing a man in the supermarket and thought to myself “ that’s a nice looking man” I can’t say it has replaced my attraction to women. What I can say is that having experienced sex with men I have come to know the pleasure we can provide each other.
By nature I like people in general, so there have been times I’ve been in a social situation and been attracted to a person enough to think “I’d like to be naked with him, or her”. But so far my desire to be with a man sexually hasn’t replaced my attraction for a woman.

 

Humans are dynamic. Who and what you are today may not be who and what you were yesterday, or will be tomorrow. The grace the Buddha extended to Aṅgulimāla I extend to you, and in so doing, to myself as well.

As far as I'm concerned, you are what you say you are. There is no one who's more of an expert on your gender, sexual preference, and sexuality than you are. The best we all can do is be authentically who we are, without artifice or pretense.

 

I’m married with 2 kids and committed relationship with wife ..we are in our early 30s we love each other to death…we have open marriage and she brought the bi in me that I never knew I had …I do love pussy and sexy women …my sex with wife has substantial reduced to 99% with men past couple of years. I have evolved to more bi/gay and leaning gay..I don’t have any feminine characteristics…I have developed desire or affection, crush and intimacy with certain type of men…,
I do have active bi and gay partners I hook up with and some are my wife’s lovers as well. Recently man I have been dating admitted he was love with me and he wanted a long term relationship he was ok that i played with other guys ….he is extremely handsome well built Latino and doesn’t look feminine as well…he changed my perspective around how I can be in true love with a man …,I had intimate and romantic sex with many guys since I started exploring..,but he made me feel I can love a man and love my wife …
To be honest ..,I admittedly told my wife I was in love with this guy…wife supported me and knew I wouldnt leave her or the family …,
I have begun to accept that I haven little pussy needs but more cocks and hunks daily craving does that make me gay…,I’m ok with that …

Being deeply active in mm relationships and hooks ups , life is too good to miss the opportunities of amazing mm sex ….

I get about average 3-4 mm a week, some are quickies and some are lengthy love making ..depends on work and family

But I feel this is not enough, I want more more more and sometimes ..the days I don’t have mm hook up …,I feel empty not being able to cuddle my mm partner, make love kiss, suck each other offf …I’m addicted ? I am gay ?

 

You sound like me when I realized that I was in love with a gay man. What a shock that was to my system! Married with kids and to a woman I loved to make love to but this guy? Whew. When I told my wife about our feelings for each other and that we had... consummated our relationship sexually she said, "That's cute!"

Then I find out that she knew how he felt about me and he had her permission to pursue and seduce me. I was already very damned bisexual, so this wasn't some new discovery for me... but God, how I loved him and I still do. I also understood that just because I loved him and that he was gay didn't mean that I was gay.

 

it’s great that wives can support and understand our feelings…for us it came with open communication and what we wanted early in our marriage….