Your daily joke thread!

Let me know what you think of our daughters joke, if you have not spotted it already.
#205 page11 on this thread.

 

Yup, goes right there along the Chemist Joke. I think I posted it here, in the how stupid can one person be?

And speaking of which?
Q: What do you call an Irishman that stays out all night?
A: Patty-O-Furniture.

 

Freud said religion was just another neurosis. But I think he was wrong. Religion makes you believe in mythic beings and far off places. And that is all right for some people. But there's a difference. When your kid believes in leprechauns that's all well and good. But if he's telling him to set fires or invade the capitol it's time to medicate him.

 

The argument runs something like this;
"I refuse to prove that I exist", says God, "for proof denies faith and without faith I am nothing."
"But", says Man, "the Babel Fish is a dead giveaway isn't it? It proves you exist, and so therefore you don't. QED."
"Oh dear", says God, "I hadn't thought of that", and promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.

-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (Copyright: The Great Publishing Houses of Ursa Minor Beta)

 

A Philosopher, a Mathematician and an Idiot were driving in a car. The car crashed and they found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates. Both St Peter and Satan were there. Satan said to them, “Due to overcrowding in Heaven, St. Peter has agreed to allow me to take some souls to Hell. If you ask me a question I fail to answer or Answer incorrectly, you go to Heaven. If I can, the you go to Hell.

The Philosopher steps up and says, “Give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates.”
With a snap of his fingers a stack of paper appeared next to Satan.
The Philosopher reads the paperwork and concludes it is correct.
“Then Go to Hell!” shouts Satan and the Philosopher vanishes.

The Mathematician steps up and says “Give me the most complicated Formula ever theorized.”
With the snap of his finger another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.
After reading these the Mathematician vanished as well.

The Idiot then stepped forward and said, “Bring me a chair.” The Devil brought forward a chair.
“Drill seven holes on the seat,” says the Idiot, Satan does just that.
The Idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.
The Idiot then stood up and asked, “Which hole did my fart come out of?”
Satan inspected the seat and said “The Third Hole.”
“WRONG!” Yelled the Idiot, “It came from my Asshole!” and the Idiot went to Heaven.

 

The zodiac. When I was a kid I told my cousin I was the crab. He said you certainly are.

 

My dear, religion is like a penis. It's a perfectly fine thing for one to have and take pride in. But when one takes it out and waves it in my face we have a problem, sir...

 

We have a new office rule,
As from next Monday, doing your work by stabbing each other in the back is no longer allowed. Just concentrate on jumping over the hurdles yourself.

 

Mental masturbation ensures that, without a sense of humor, politicians merely go through the motions.

 

Always ask a woman, My, what have you done with your hair? It looks nice. Even if you don't notice anything. Women are always doing something with their hair, so it's usually true. And even if it isn't true, she'll take it as a compliment.

 

Men are all dogs, so women call to them: "Here Boy! Here Boy!" Then yell at them to, "Go Away! Go Away!" Find some old bones to crew on!

 

Women and Cats will do as they please. Men and Dogs should relax and accept that fact.

-- Robert A. Heinlein

 

If a Tree falls in the forest, and no one is there to hear it ...

A Chihuahua, 500 miles away will start barking insanely.

 

I swear, in our many years, this woman has never had a haircut she really likes.

 

You just made me laugh, remembering the time when after spending a fortune, Jane did not like any of the attempts to tint her hair. She then decided to do it herself, but mixing with the previous attempts, her hair went bright purple.
The worst part was when she collect our son from nursery, he pointed and shouted out in front of everyone, "Look, that's my mom, the one with the purple hair".
A few weeks later, she decided to get rid of the colour using a blonde dye. That just faded the purple and she looked like a punk rocker.

All this was more than 40 years ago and it still makes me laugh today.
Jane is grey now, but she learnt her lessons with hair dye.

 

"Jan, a real friend likes you for who you are, not what's on your face. If you judge your friends for passing judgment on you, you're not only judging yourself you're judging your friends for judging you. And that would be using bad judgment."

—Mike Brady,
The Brady Bunch Movie (1995),
Directed by: Betty Thomas,
Distributed by: Paramount Pictures,
Release date: February 17, 1995.


"Put on your Sunday best kids. We're going to Sears!"

—Mike Brady,
The Brady Bunch Movie (1995),
Directed by: Betty Thomas,
Distributed by: Paramount Pictures,
Release date: February 17, 1995.


"I couldn't have put it better myself, Jan. But I'll try anyway..."

—Mike Brady,
The Brady Bunch Movie (1995),
Directed by: Betty Thomas,
Distributed by: Paramount Pictures,
Release date: February 17, 1995.


"As a wise man once said, 'Wherever you go. There you are.'"

—Mike Brady,
The Brady Bunch Movie (1995),
Directed by: Betty Thomas,
Distributed by: Paramount Pictures,
Release date: February 17, 1995.


"Our house is more important than money. This neighborhood is more important than money. Tell me. How many times have we borrowed each other's power tools or patched up each other's kids? We know so much about each other. I know that every January, Mr. Yeager is going to have that big Super Bowl party at his house. We know that every spring, Mrs. Simmons is going to have the prettiest daffodils on the block. We know that at 10:15 every Saturday morning, Mrs. Topping likes to walk through her living room naked? Call me old-fashioned, but these things are important..."

—Mike Brady,
The Brady Bunch Movie (1995),
Directed by: Betty Thomas,
Distributed by: Paramount Pictures,
Release date: February 17, 1995.


"Cindy, you know by tattling on your friends, you're really just tattling on yourself. By tattling on your friends, you're just telling them that you're a tattletale. Now is that the tale you want to tell?"

—Mike Brady,
The Brady Bunch Movie (1995),
Directed by: Betty Thomas,
Distributed by: Paramount Pictures,
Release date: February 17, 1995.

 

I had this doctor once, from the Philippines. She was quite intelligent. And knowledgeable. But you know she really didn't take the time to learn English. My understanding was she instead devoted her time to medical school. And she always used to tell me, over and over again "You can't be the jidge. Don't be the jidge. It's not your place to be the jidge". Finally one day it occurred to me. I said "Oh! 'Judge'. That's what you've been saying all along. I can't be the judge". And she paused and looked at me cockeyed and said, "That's what I said. Jidge."

 

My wife is Filippina. She says BICH for BEACH ( sounds like bitch) and so we get "I dont like the bitch" when she is refusing a trip to the seaside!

 

Sounds like very sane advice! Better than after she has been to the beauty parlour and you say "What did you get done, I can't see any difference!"