You know you're bi, but still get married.....

To me, the one thing has nothing to do with the other. I got married because I wanted to get married; didn't give any thought about giving up my lust for men and my first wife made it possible by opening the marriage. Being bisexual isn't all about having sex and just because you can do it doesn't mean you have to and I was good with that... until she changed the rules. She cheated; I have never forgiven her for it but I came to understand it was the only way she knew how to deal with her own bisexuality and, okay - let's see how this goes. For us, it went amazingly well but I do understand that for other men and women, being bi and married is the worst thing ever.

 

None of us choose their sexuality------it is WHO we are------with no choices by us; no one chooses to be straight-or bi-or gay; the WORST thing any guy can do is to try to change his sexuality (if he is gay or bi) in order to be a part of what usually constitutes "society acceptable"; be what you are-and ignore the idiots and bigots who think otherwise-------

 

I still remember when I was a boy and the first son in the neighbourhood got married. I didn't know him well, but I liked him and I thought: “Does he really want to be with the same woman his whole life? Is this supposed to be his whole sex life?”

I also remember standing with my father in the aisle of a train going to our holiday destination and thinking: ‘I know almost nothing about him, maybe he is a spy? And I also thought: “Who knows, maybe he has a lot of women.” I didn't realise how close I was to the truth with this introverted alpha male.

I only knew his porn collection, which I secretly enjoyed on the days he was away. Despite all the objections to him, I always found it easy to admit that he had good taste in young women, whether in glossy magazines or films. They were very young and slim, and naturally beautiful. I think today people who organise a collection are called curators.

It was very clear to me that I would never agree to have my erotic and sexual freedom permanently restricted.

Only much later I found Warren Farrell's Why Men Are the Way they Are (2000) about the marriage trap that made the very thing that was the main goal unattainable:

“Why are men so afraid of commitment? Chapter 2 explained how most men’s primary fantasy is still, unfortunately, access to a number of beautiful women. For a man, commitment means giving up this fantasy. Most women’s primary fantasy is a relationship with one man who either provides economic security or is on his way to doing so (he has “potential”). For a woman, commitment to this type of man means achieving this fantasy. So commitment often means that a woman achieves her primary fantasy, while a man gives his up. Commitment, then, means almost exactly the opposite to a woman as it does to a man. And legally, once a man commits to marriage, if he tries to achieve his primary fantasy he breaks the law (adultery). Women’s primary fantasy is the law.” (pp. 150-151)

And I hadn’t even discovered the homosexual option for myself yet. Option, because there are many possible sexual objects, but they are priced differently in different societies and thus become more or less accessible. Those who indulge in naive (bisexual in this case) essentialism ignore the history of homosexuality in other societies.

Paul Varnell writes about Michael Rocke, Forbidden Friendships: Homosexuality and Male Culture in Renaissance Florence (1996):

“By Rocke's reckoning homosexuality really was pervasive in Florence. In the small city of just 40,000 people, he estimates that 17,000 men were incriminated on charges of "sodomy" during the 70 year existence of the Office of the Night. That amounts, he points out, to nearly half the male population of the city during two generations. Whether Rocke's population estimates are accurate or not, such a prevalence for allegations of sodomy is remarkable and would appear to implicate a substantial minority of the male population over two generations. And that estimate no doubt misses others who did not come to judicial notice.”

Women tend to want more and have children even before the man has given his consent, which increases the number of marriages.

“Women are never satisfied with what they have. More! is their motto. They fall in love, they want to get laid; you screw them, they want to live with you; concubines, they want you to marry them; married, they want a child; as mothers, they dream of a lover. The fate of the woman is permanent dissatisfaction.” (Gabriel Matzneff)

It is bewildering that even after his death, nobody knows from a relative whether he was ever interested in women. It was no secret who his boyfriend was, everyone knew him and talked to him. He even corresponded with his father on the subject before he married, but even the letter he received is too vague. He also wrote me letters for no particular reason, even though we lived in the same town, which I liked. Another uncle only said the most positive things to me and about me, which always made my sisters jealous. Maybe both uncles (also) liked blond young men? You never know what really drives people, but there are always many possibilities.

Personality definitely plays a role, well-behaved MSM and MSWM (Men who have sex with women and men) conformists are certainly more likely to go down the well-trodden path than eccentric nonconformists.

 

Despite being bi, I got married because I told the girl I fell deeply in love with that I was going to marry her. I wound up getting her pregnant and that just increased my desire to marry her and, eventually, we did get married - and she knew that I was bisexual because I had told her - but she was hiding her own bisexuality which eventually led to her cheating on me which led to us opening our marriage and, wow, what a ride it was for the both of us. Would I have married her if I wasn't bisexual? Yes, I would have because I loved her, and I knew that she was The One.

 

------curious as to those bi fellows whose "fuck buddy"/"best buddy" is as close to his heart as his wife ("the eternal triangle"-with a twist)--------------

 

I would say that it's quite possible; I wouldn't go as far as to say that such buddies are "in love with each other" but it stands to reason that when you have a lot of sex with someone and over a long period of time, some feelings can be in place that endears them to each other. Not romantic but more like a deep bond. The triangle thing, well, yeah, I can see that and even if the wife has no idea what her hubby and his best friend are up to; then again, just because she doesn't say anything doesn't mean that she doesn't know anything; she could know what they've been up to, and she allows it as long as hubby is taking care of home first.

 

Good food for thought; this sort of scenario can-indeed-end up getting quite "tricky"-to say the least; "affairs of the heart" slugging it out with "affairs of the heart" cannot be taken lightly; honesty-and ONLY honesty-has to take center stage here; once again-a "free thinking" spouse would indeed be key-especially if there is a deepening and solid "bond" between her hubby and his buddy------------------

 

Reality check: Folks often say "be yourself:------this is easy enough-if you do not identify yourself as either "gay"or "bi"------if you KNOW what you ARE-------and KNOW what you are NOT------just go through life as YOU wish to------not falling prey to tasteless (and just plain stupid and ignorant) labels)-------and being PROUD of what (and who) you ARE--------------

 

You can barely stat to begin to think of the "straight" guys who know are attracted to both genders at an early age-BUT-push the sexual thoughts of being attracted to their own gender aside-ignoring these natural desires/feelings----because society teaches that such feelings are WRONG; WHAT BULL-------LIKE what (and WHO) you LIKE and ignore the stupidity and ignorance of those jerks who "think only within the box"----------------

 

KDaddy23: Well said; certainly a bi guy with a wife is indeed stuck between "a rock and a hard place"(pun not intended!) if his spouse is either not happy with his being with another guy for sex-or-if is choosing to keep her in the dark; now------if a deeper-than-sexual bond begins to grow between the the two fellows in a "relationship" things-indeed-could get quite thorny------"bonding" between two guys (gay or bi) can often translate into different "pathways"-if you will; but-keeping a cool head------along with being honest and open----I feel------is the byword-------------

 

"Getting quite thorny" is being nice about how the shit can hit the fan if wifey finds out that hubby has a male lover who is also hubby's best friend. Monogamy sucks in that it cannot allow for something like this and insists that such things cannot and should not happen... yet they do. With a lot of women, being open and honest... will get you divorced.

 

KDaddy23: Again-----you brought up good solid points-points that I know figure strongly in a "hot button" situation such as this; "honesty"? yes----you are quite right-----it CAN-all too often------translate into a HUGE price being paid----one that could-indeed-quite possibly-cause the end of "wedded bliss" between a bi guy and his non-understanding wife------a great deal is at stake for sure------------

 

I stared playing with guys when I was single and in my early 30's.

It was an occasional thing, and I didn't really give much thought to being Bi. I was niave and thought "I'm just doing this out of necessity. When I get a girlfriend, I'll move on."

Well, THAT didn't happen. I eventually met a woman and I thought that I was done with men. So, I never brought it up.

We got married and despite the good sex, I found myself drawn to watching gay porn, going into gay chat rooms and looking for guys to hook up with.

I eventually just came to terms with the fact that I was Bi. I always will be.

My wife is an old fashioned woman and would freak if I came out to her. ANYONE that I spend time with is a threat.

So, I just stay in the closet and meet people when it's safe.

I envy the men who have understanding wives.

 

Hey I'm new here. I have to say I got married almost 20 years ago. And have only recently realised or acknowledged I am bisexual. Now I find my self wanting a ick in my ass while eating a pussy out.. just a shame the wife doesn't swing that way. If I was single I'd be a real slut haha.. but cant

 

I feel ya fella. I am exactly.the.same. if I calumet out or anything marriage is over.. soo frustrating and stressful..

 

Being a bi guy with a wife certainly CANNOT be a "walk in the park" if the wife cannot accept her husband's desire to enjoy sex with other guys; and-it could be still worse if the wife has NO clue as to her husband's bisexuality-------and ends up finding out about it------and all hell breaking loose---------not easy-----not pleasant-------certainly NOT a scenario that a bi guy wants to deal with------------

 

Worst thing ever. Ah, but that's why a lot of couples are exploring ethical non-monogamy as a possible solution to this devastating and often relationship-ending dilemma. Hard to negotiate if you're married to someone who truly and firmly believes in the tenets and sanctity of marriage. That's why a lot of married bisexuals would rather cheat and ask for forgiveness if they get busted rather than to ask for permission.

 

A great deal of sticky "red tape" to be cut through-that's for sure-when a bi guy is trying to keep his bi side hidden and-also- trying not to worry about the consequences IF his wife finds out about his "other side"; this could certainly well be a situation where honesty is NOT the best policy-----

 

It might not be... but you never know. We assume that if the bisexual outs themselves, there will be "death and destruction" at biblical levels because that's what usually happens... but it doesn't always happen. I've seen guys out themselves to their lady and expected to get "executed" - only to find out that she has a secret, too, and now that it's all out in the open, hmm, what can we do about this?

But if you don't know that getting married will put you on lockdown as far as your sexuality is concerned, well, what rock have you been living under?