Your daily joke thread!

Wellington:


Also Wellingtons:

 

If 'Twitter' is now called 'X', are 'tweets' now called 'Xcretions'?

 

I remember an audit I did of an alfalfa grower near the border of CA/OR back in the 1990s, They were very nice folks. Two nights later I'm at a small casino playing low-ball in a South Oregon town and I see that farmer walk in and sit at the bar. Since he's such a nice guy and I'm feeling like having a good conversation, I get up and go sit next to him.

"How are things?" I ask, noticing he's grubby from a day's work and apparently in shock..
... [silence]...
I ask him again..

"there's some things you just can't explain" he mumbles..

"try me", I said, as being an auditor is mostly about observing and listening to people.

"it won't matter what I say, there's some things you just can't explain"...

so I buy him a pitcher of beer and let him know he can proceed if/when ready...

"this morning everything was fine.. the Missus and I were happy you showed us how we could make reporting taxes easier.. so like every morning, I get up and start my chores.. when I went to milk my cow, Bessie was in a fine mood; happy to see me.. I sit on my stool and when I finished milking her I'll be damned if she didn't swish jerk her leg and kick over the bucket.. Dang! so there were a couple of leader ropes lying on the stall divider and I tied her hind leg to the gate post.. then I done milked her a second time.. then she did the same thing with her other hind leg and knocked-over the milk bucket! so I took the other rope and tied her other hind leg to the other gate post.."

he finished the pitcher and continued....

"then I milked her again and she went and swished her tail and knocked over the bucket a third time.. WTF I thought to myself.. this is almost funny except I've got other chores to do.. so I don't see any more rope lying around and I get an idea and I stand on the stool and take off my belt and tie her tail to the overhead beam.. so I'm standing on that stool right behind Ol' Bessie holding her tail up high and her legs are spread and tied tight and just then.. MY PANTS FALL DOWN AND MY WIFE WALKS UP TO THE STALL...

"I'm telling you that there's some things you just can't explain"....

 

When he got home from school, a little boy started complaining to his father about his stomach ache.
That's because there is nothing inside it, replied his father. He made him a sandwich and the lad was fine.

A while later, the boys mother got home from work and complained of a terrible headache.

 

We used to have a dog who ate his own stuff. And to deal with it someone suggested we put garlic in his food. It certainly didn't work. And as someone pointed out what he probably really thought was "A little garlic? That's just what it needed."

 

• My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
• How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate his pizza before it was cool.
• What do you call a dog that's been run over by a steamroller? Spot!
• An old lady walked into a pet store, found a parrot, and asked the owner if she could buy it. The owner said, "Heck no! That parrot has a bad mouth! Trust me - you do not want that parrot!"She said, "I can teach it good manners."But, when she got home the parrot said a bad word, so she put it in the freezer for 10 seconds.She took it out and said, "Did you learn your lesson?" It said another bad word so she put it back in for 30 seconds. She took it out and asked if it learned its lesson yet.The parrot said "Brr... Yes, I learned my lesson, but what did the chicken do?"

 

Anne Boleyn, one of Henry VIII's six wives, was executed on 19 May 1536, reportedly for adultery and incest. Yet in her final communications with her husband Henry VIII, she still addressed him "my lord". If someone was doing that to me, I might call them several things. But "my lord" wouldn't be one of them.

 

In 1969 the Stonewall riot in New York was partly motivated by Judy Garland's passing. A riot was caused by the loss of Judy Garland. No offense intended, but gays are the only group you could say that of.

 

They say women can be bitches and men can be bastards. But you know sometimes men are bitches. And women can be bastards. It's true.

 

Jimbee, are you familiar with the concept of punchlines?

 

Hey how about we just post punchlines? That could be fun. Then people can come up with their own jokes.

Here's one:
"I was talking to your pig."

 

Not getting a lot of support with this one...

 

If you use an image with a watermark on it, Facebook and Twitter take it down right away. But if you do a Google image search on the same image you can just use that. So what's the difference?

 

I don't get it...

 

Then we're even!

 

No, I think my jokes were funny. You know sometimes I am just sharing my pithy wisdom. Pithy wisdom can be funny. It can be ironic too. But I think my posts were more along the lines of funny. I don't know why you didn't find them so. I would have to know which ones you didn't like. You never went into any detail. Gay jokes, self-deprecating humor is always funny. And I'm probably not even the first person to make that observation. I don't know. Bitches and bastards. I thought it was funny. And so true. Now the Anne Boleyn one does belong in a different section. But these boards don't have a pithy saying section. Unless there's one I don't know of. Then it can be moved.

 

But anyways I still don't see what were wrong with my jokes. I thought they were funny. Why, didn't you get them? The Anne Boleyn one wasn't that funny. I think I was just in that mood that day, and I didn't know where to put them. Maybe we need a new thread for that? Maybe in the future I will share some of the jokes I have collected too. Like my dumb blonde jokes (OMG, my dumb blonde jokes, LOL). Or memes. But I'm still having problems uploading pics. You know the Boleyn thing really isn't funny though. That Henry VIII was a bastard. SNL did a funny sketch on her execution once though ("Stick my head on a pike? Do you mean fish?" LOL). I think I will devote most of my time to the other sections of these boards for now. I think there are few sections I haven't tackled yet too. I think we need more sections here too. There really is no general questions section, you know. Or just for stuff you want to share.

 

the more you keep ranting, the funnier I think you are...

if that helps..

 

Well some people have the gift and some people don't. Like CP comedian Geri Jewell. She was on NBC's "Facts Of Life" in the early 80's. Now she was funny. But they dropped her. Bitches/bastards. Now, I don't know. I have to see someone to see if they're funny. It's decided on a case-by-case basis. Tracy Morgan used to be funny. Then he got in that car accident and he's not funny anymore. He struggles, it's sad. And he's got the money. Why doesn't he just retire on it. Some people have told me on another message board he has sharpened his wit though. You know brain damage is reversible (I wouldn't know though because I've never had it).