I really need some help and advice. I have been married for 21 years and have 2 children (15 and 16). During that time my husband and I have always had a problem feeling and expressing emotion. I retreated into depression and an eating disorder, he retreated into his work. Over the last year events have conspired to make me feel that I am a valuable person in my own right after all (not an affair, just situations that forced me to be strong on my own). I have been opening up to the world, discovering friends, finding a joy in life that I never felt before. Just over 2 weeks ago things came to a head when I finally decided that I did not want to live the rest of my life trapped in this relationship the way it had become. We had a very long talk, and he finally understood that I meant that I was going to continue to develop and change with or without him, and that the outcome was unknown. He fell apart, and the shock seems to have released all the emotions he has never allowed himself to feel since he was a little boy. After a tearful week, when we were also trying to deal with another serious issue, things seemed to get better while we had some friends to stay. However, since then he hasn't stopped talking about everything he's feeling, how he loves me, using my name which he's never done before, writing me letters, and generally smothering me. I should be pleased that he is willing to change along with me, but something inside me seems to have died and I just feel I want some space. I thought I could change and grow without knowing where it would lead, now I feel as if I've been told what the outcome must be. I lived for so long thinking he didn't care for me at all, and now he has discovered he does I don't feel I can cope. Has anybody got some wise words for me? What can I do which won't hurt him and yet will let me be free?
wow.. that sure is an 'open heart' story.. hm.. first of all I feel weird by commenting on your situation, since you're twice my age and I feel like I should be asking you for insight in life and such. However, in cases like this boundaries fate I guess... So.. to put it very very bluntly what I think I can read between your lines: you are suprised to discover that he (still) loves you but you are not sure if you still love him.. right? You had to become emotionally detached in the past so his distantness didn't affect you too much.. and now he finally opens up you are not sure wether you have anything left for him.. Does that kinda sum it up? Ok.. how to deal with this. .. I think that if you don't dislike him or have any other strong feeling against him.. you might consider staying with him for a while.. just to give this some time.. see where his changes go. But if you, now or in the end, really feel that you can't emotionally commit to him anymore.. do what's right: be honest and tell him that you need time separete from him or that you want a total breakup. He will be crushed, but in a way he has caused this himself.. you can't forget to water a plant for months and then expect it to live and even bare flowers if you soak in a bucket. Don't blame yourself.. ofcourse this is a very sad situation.. but you can't help it anymore than he can.. but still.. don't throw everything overboard untill you know for sure.. or as sure as you can be. Whatever you do.. hang on to your new chosen path of self-exploration.. that's the most important thing.. be true to yourself. Good luck with everything *big hug*
I think this is probably one of the more complicated questions that's been asked on this forum. I sympathize with your situation, but don't think there's going to be anyone with the insight to give truly good advice. What I would recommend is talking to someone more qualified to give you a better opinion, and I don't mean a marriage councillor (they'll want to bring your husband in and will do everything in their power to keep you together, at least that's the way it is here). In the meantime, or if you're uncomfortable with that; he should be able to understand that you need a little space for the time being to work things out. That's the most curteous thing you can offer, imo. If he's unwilling to do that, well; that'd be pretty counterproductive from his standpoint, I'd think. What I like to do when the pressure's high and clarity needed: roadtrip. Take a vacation for a week. I think they're quite healthy. Best of luck to you!
I've been in a very similar situation, although not for such a long marriage as you. My ex fell apart when I said I wanted it to end because I was familiar and safe to him, he was terrified of losing something he thought was stable in his life, even though it was making us both miserable. He also wanted to change and keep going, but having heard the promises before, I knew it wouldn't happen. I can totally understand how you feel, my feelings died over time too, and I knew that they would never come back. Now, we are very very good friends, much better parents to our child, and he admitted within weeks that I had done the right thing for us all. What you have done is a very very brave thing, and you should be very proud that you have found the strength to do it. My advice would be to take some time out for yourself, and for your husband to do the same. Take a couple of weeks away from each other to find out how you both feel, it may be that you will want to try and move on with each other, you may decide that its better to go your separate ways - either way at least you will know that you have given it your best shot. I hope this helps you in some way.
take your space, you deserve it. it sounds like you dont really want what's happening right now. maybe you know somewhere within yourself that the changing and growing that you want in yourself cant take place while you're with him. or maybe it can, but you're afraid that you'll get pulled back into the same kinds of behaviour patterns that kept you from reaching your full potential before. or maybe you're afraid that your life is going to turn into your husband's 'trip'~his growing experience might override your own? you dont have to make final decisions all at once/immediately, you can take your time. if your husband truly loves you, he'll give you some breathing room to deal. just make sure that you make your needs very clear to him. if you're feeling smothered, tell him exactly what he needs to do to give you the space you need.
Thanks everybody for taking the time to care. Nimh - you have understood and put it better than I could what I've been worried about. And I agree with Faerie - that quote from Underground is a great analogy. I'm not going to do anything hasty. I will try to take some time away, and I hope we can both give each other the space we need to sort our own issues out before we make any decisions about our long-term future. At least the feelings are out there now so we can start dealing with them. Again, thanks for the love and advice.
Keep your kids in mind. "my husband and I have always had a problem feeling and expressing emotion" I can understand it being difficult to have someone express emotion and affection after such a long time of numbness. It is only natural that it feels as if he is smothering you. Just remember that from what you've posted, you were also unable to express how you felt towards him. "situations that forced me to be strong on my own" I think it's a good thing for people to grow stronger through suffering, but you shouldn't think that you can do things without the people that you love. "I lived for so long thinking he didn't care for me at all, and now he has discovered he does I don't feel I can cope." I don't think what he is expressing how he feels for you, but how he feels about losing you. Just because he didn't express himself before, doesn't mean he didn't love you. "What can I do which won't hurt him and yet will let me be free?" Sounds like you have already set yourself free. all you have to worry about now, is to not hurt him...
If your feelings are numb nothing we can say will really help. I mean, if you need advice, you may have to get out because you are not 100% invested in this, are you? If you were, you wouldn't be questioning like you are. Plus you have obvious feelings that equal physical numbness. But thats all I can really say as that paragraph is all I have to go on. Go to friends and family for advice because it seems serious...to serious to just post on the internet, you know? Well, Good luck.
