this is one of those irritating, rambling, philosophical and entirely too self-revelatory posts, so you may not want to read further. but i have to put it somewhere. my friends and family always wonder why all my friends and loves are so intensely strong, stubborn and opinionated. well, it's because they're the only ones i don't scare off. i love so completely and intensely that it's plain scary to a lot of people. there's a lot of responsibility in accepting the affection of a person like me, because i will die or murder for my loves. i know it's probably yet another one of those things that people will say you need medication for, but i don't believe in that. i believe in a more pro-active strategy of self-control and dissembling. when i find something good in someone, i become so deeply fascinated that it's very difficult not to become obsessed. i control it through distracting myself and knowing it's something i have to keep a grip on. but occaisionally it'll slip out sideways, or people will feel it and withdraw. amusingly, the ones who don't are those people arrogant and strong enough to believe they deserve my unswervingly adoration and loyalty. in return, i fight constantly my desire to control and hold them too closely and too tightly. i made the mistake, in my first love, of holding too tightly and nearly killing myself and destroying the one i loved. self-preservation finally won out, and i ran. so now, in return, i joke and play and accept very few to me, because i don't want to hurt them, ever. sometimes, though, my loves feel i hold to loosely, but maybe someday i'll learn the compromise. i haven't yet. maybe it'll come with age and experience. but once someone is in my heart, they'll never be out of it.
Quote: but once someone is in my heart, they'll never be out of it. Well that is certainly a good quality to have, loyalty. Sounds like you have a strong filter, and whoever can fit through it gets to stay.
yeah, pretty much. i've gotten to where i don't have to have a person righ tnext to me all the time. finding some love was so hard for me as a kid, that when i found it on those rare occaisions, i held to it so tightly that people sometimes would totally freak out. i'm not the annoying obsessive phone caller person, i was never that. but once i was around people i loved and cared for, i get so freakishly intense that it's intimidating. a lot of people would really enjoy it for a little while, then just disappear. so i had to learn to let them go. i'm such a dork.
Do you think it has to do with fear of losing someone you really care about? Don´t worry, I won´t ask about your parents and childhood
That's only because you want people around you that are honest, well read, strong and have strong beliefs. (Time to throw up the no wuss sign.) People that get scared off are the ones that get the hint early. You aren't gonna settle, change, or take nonsense from people. (It's just that simple.) Why be ashamed of who you are dear? Believe me honey, chapstick ain't cheap for that area of expertise.(I don't feel you'd like that flavor too much either lol.) Stop looking for the wrong people and just be yourself and the right people will find you.
that's very true. i have to be extremely careful who i allow into my life, because the weak will not thrive. for all my goofiness, and ability to go with the flow, man, i can be impossibly overbearing when i forget how to control myself. i've had to work very hard to not be some unbending, uncompromising bitch. but sometimes the struggle is so obvious that i will freak people out.
definitely. not much affection in the tinsman/trader house. survival was more important, that and dodging the blows and rage. then there was the poverty, divorce and constant moving. i learned to develop extremely short, extremely intense relationships, then move on. well, when life changed to where we were not moving every year, having those intense friendships became sorta uncomfortable and all encompassing. there was no valve or escape. and either someone would run, or they would suck the soul right out of me, and i'd give it willingly and with enthusiasm.
That sounds so sad...i just cant believe that someone would simply disappear and blow u off....I mean, specially if it is and intense and very tight relationship. I think u should just be surrounded by people who really appreciate u and the way u are..
what strikes me as crazy, and sorta saddening, is that they're the ones that go out of the way to get my attention and to spend time with me. i hate the phone. the only time i'll pick it up willingly is to dial 911, you know? and after they spend every waking moment they have with me, they just *poof* are gone. i can tell when it's about to happen, because they start getting nervous, shifty eyed. i've learned to just let it go. apparently, to some people i'm just a freak. to others, i'm the rock of gibraltar or something. go figure.
