Hi, this is my very first post. It is very exciting... Nature's Struggle Once flowing with ease, the river now wheeps Another friend trampled beneath our feet It flourish'd with life, now dead or asleep A promise we made, now broke with deceipt The Buffalo's breath, in cool air lingers uncontested by our black smokey haze T'is when we need room that we yell "Timber!" T'is through God's will that we are but a phase We take you for granted, take you for dead You give us food, breath, and our fruitfulness More species extinct leave our hands stained red Consume! Consumed, our stomach cannot rest T'is Mother Earth with whom we must grow strong! Conserve, Conserve! We've been full for too long Tell me what you think, don't hold back!!
Not bad, not bad at all. Since you say not to hold back, I won't. And since I have time, I'll comment in detail. First of all, it's a good idea to break the poem up into stanzas. I can see that you are writing what is called an English sonnet here (abab cdcd efef gg) but it is an outdated style and there's no point to cling to it. The poem would be more readable if you make breaks once every four lines. It would also keep the listener's attention focused and give some time to think about the lines they just heard. And also, while you're at removing the pretentious ye olde fashionde stuff, you may also want to remove the T'is's. These things are generally used to keep the poem in rhythm, but there are many places where your's is out of beat anyway, we can worry about it later. The end result would be something like this: Nature's Struggle Once flowing with ease, the river now weeps Another friend trampled beneath our feet It flourished with life, now dead or asleep A promise we made, now broke with deceipt The Buffalo's breath, in cool air lingers Uncontested by our black smokey haze It's when we need room that we yell "Timper!" And through God's will that we are but a phase We take you for granted, take you for dead You give us food, breath, and our fruitfulness More species extinct leave our hands stained red Consume! Consumed, our stomach cannot rest It is Mother Earth with whom we grow strong! Conserve, Conserve! We've been full for too long Now, another problem I see is that you have some ideas and phrases that are not original. There is no point to write things in poetry that are not original, because nobody cares. If they have been said a million times before, why say them again? Consider rephrasing or removing the following lines: "More species extinct leave our hands stained red Consume! Consumed, our stomach cannot rest" Also, the last two lines are, in my opinion, a bit pointless. If the person reading or hearing the poem doesn't become motivated to do something while reading the poem's body, these last two lines won't make him/her do anything. And if they do get the urge to do something, to change somehow, it wouldn't be because of those two lines. As a poet, you should write your poem not for idiots but for intelligent people who can make their own deductions from what they hear/read. I'd remove the lines entirely, or make them a lot more subtle. P.S what's "Timper"?
Thank you for your comments syntax. They are very helpful. In response to your question, I actually meant to spell timber, which seems strange since the p is very far away from the b on the keyboard. I can see how that might have thrown you off.
Outdated? I see sonnets quite often. Or to you mean the type of sonnet he wrote, with no line breaks or that specific rhyme scheme? I don't know the exact breakdown of different types of sonnets, so I might be missing something. Haha, right on, that's quite true.
Well, what he wrote was pretty much exactly in the format of a traditional English Sonnet, which is rarely used in its old form today, and I see no particular reason to use that form today. Back when it was used, I think it was mostly because of popularity.
