A Question For Women: What If the Man You Have a Crush On is Bisexual?

This is a subject that was originally raised on the Gay forum in the Alternative Lifestyles message section. It was suggested to me that I bring up this question on this forum, as there are more heterosexual women who post here.

My question is this: Imagine that you've met a man whom you feel a strong attraction to. Soon, he develops feelings for you as well, but he then says:

"There's something about me that you need to know -- and it's better that you know it now and directly from me than later on from someone else."

Startled, you struggle to ask him: "What is it?," fearing that he's about to reveal a terrible secret.

"I'm bisexual," he responds. "And I have a boyfriend."

How would you react?

* * *

This is a dilemma that I've had to confront for almost 12 years. That's how long I've been out of the closet as a bi man. It has been a major stumbling block to my forming a close relationship with a woman.

Not only am I openly bisexual, but I also have a boyfriend, with with whom I've been in a long-distance, open relationship for almost 20 years.

(Yes, I said 20 years. I had originally come out as gay 27 years ago and had my second coming out, as bisexual, on my 40th birthday.)

After two decades, I love my boyfriend dearly, but because he has Asperger's Syndrome, a form of autism which robs him of the ability to read other people's emotions and to express his own, there are certain levels of intimacy and emotional fulfillment that I can't share with him. And that frustrates me greatly, in spite of the fact that we have an open relationship.

In addition, as I grow older, my need for greater emotional fulfillment grows deeper. Yet at this point in my life -- 12 years after I came out bi -- I don't have a girlfriend. I've had little success in forming an opposite-sex relationship.

The problem is twofold:

1) I came out bi after 20 years of being exclusively gay, so I still have a very strong male-oriented mindset; consequently, I'm still pretty much clueless about sensing what a woman wants.

2) The conflict between monogamy and polyamory (The ability to deeply love more than one person at the same time). I make no secret of the fact that I'm polyamorous and I've had great difficulty in gaining a potential girlfriend's acceptance of that.

On at least two occasions, a potential girfriend adamantly insisted that I dump my boyfriend as a condition to my having a relationship with her. I rejected her demand just as adamantly. After two decades, nothing short of death will make me give up my boyfriend, in spite of the shortcomings of my existing relationship.

As I approach 52, I have no real desire to have a second boyfriend. No one can replace the one I have now. But even without his
Asperger's Syndrome, there are certain levels of intimacy and emotional fulfilment that I can share with a woman that I can't share with a man -- and vice-versa.

How would you handle this?

-- Skeeter

 

I don't think a person being bisexual would change my opinion of them, nor my feelings for them. HOWEVER, someone being in a relationship with someone else definately would. At the very least, it would stop me from wanting to pursue them, if not completely kill my crush.

Then again, I'm into monogamy hardcore. Polyamory is fine for other people, just not me. I can't share a person like that. That's just my mindset though, I know that a lot of my mothers friends are polyamorous... it works for them, just not for me.

Have you thought about, well, not necessarily swingers parties, but even social events where people who are generally more open to sharing partners attend? Surely there are polyamorous conventions of some sort?

I hope that your partner is ok with you being polyamorous btw. You didn't mention whether or not he is, but since it sounds like you've been pursuing this route for a while, I'm going to assume that you're a fabulous person and have informed him of this aspect of you.

 

My exboyfriend was bi, and we're still good friends (although he came out to me afterwards and it was one of the biggest shocks of my life) and straight or bi- a guy is a guy and as long as his personality appeals to me then it doesn't matter his orientation. However, if he had a boyfriend, even an open relationship boyfriend, there's no way I could take anything farther than a crush. I'm very much into monogomy, much like ihmurria, so open relationships are a no go for neither me nor my partner.

Online dating sites where you can fully express your intentions before starting a relationship is a good route. You have a better chance of finding a similarly minded woman there than bumping into someone in the grocery store who would accept your lifestyle. Nothing could be worse than being a monogomous person only to find out later on down the road that your partner is already in a relationship- open or not. You can't force a prospective girlfriend to accept your boyfriend, because for many women that would be a hard thing to accept (the same would be true if you were in an open relationship with another woman). I hope all goes well for you.

 

Thanks for reminding me of something I omitted from my initial posting: Yes, my boyfriend (who, incidentally, is exclusively gay) is also polyamorous. But after 20 years together, our desire to have other male "playmates" has pretty much whittled down to a longtime mutual friend of ours. On April 8, I'll turn 52 and Georges will turn 46. We no longer have the "raging hormones" that we had when we were in our 20s. But whereas I'm feeling a greater desire for emotional fulfillment as I grow older, Georges' Asperger's Syndrome blocks him from feeling the same way.

So in answer to your inquiry, Georges and I have always had an open relationship.

-- Skeeter

 

Personally I wouldn't have a problem with it as I feel being open and honest about things is the best policy. As long as they are open and up front about it and I wouldn't be stepping on any toes as it is said. If it is an open relationship and the guys other partner knows about me no probs there. No problems here with sharing as long as it is all up front. As for not knowing what a females wants. You just need to ask most are more then willing to let you know what they want.


Love & Understanding
EnonEmouse

 

i was with my ex for a long time, best of friends and he was an awesome lover. he accepted his bisexuality later in the relationship, and i'm devastated to say that it DID change my view of him. oddly, it didn't change my view of the other guy. i think because the other guy was more dominant. my ex was submissive to him, and that's just unattractive to me, seeing a man being submissive. the act itself doesn't disgust me, but seeing a man gleefully taking orders and bowing willingly to another, it kinda disgusts me. i have to have the alpha, or i'll have nothing.

 

Thanks, EnonEmouse. I really appreciate it. Where I live, I've run smack into a brick wall of non-acceptance.

As for your latter suggestion about knowing what a woman wants, I long for the day when I can finally break through that wall and get to ask her.

-- Skeeter

 

Well Skeeter I have always been very open minded and have have some very close friends that are either gay or bi and I have always been good friends with them all. I feel ones sexuality is their choice and I am happy for everyone to have free choice.

I personally would never have a problem with a Bi lover or his other partner as long as everything was open and up front and both partners knew about the other. I have a very dear friend in a relationship where all three of them live in the same house. Does make for some interesting domestic squabbles but it is a very loving household all around.

Hope you find what your looking for Skeeter. As I hope I do some day as well. Everyone deserves to be happy in life.

Love & Understanding
EnonEmouse

 

I've had two b/f's who were bi. I have no problem with the fact they were bi, cause in truth I'm bi too. But I do have a problem if there in a relashionship with somone elese. But thats just me there are pleanty of girls who dont, but there hard to find sadly.
The only problem I had with my bi b/f is they both cheated on me (one with a couple, he always wanted a 3sum, th other with another women) but I've had that same problem with srate men. I dont like to shear ;P

 

I am kind of suprised at the general positive replies posted here. I had expected more negative reactions for some reason. I was under the belief that most women were simply turned off by the idea of two guys having sex. Am I wrong?

 

Why would it turn us off. Many men fantasize about two women so why would two men be any different. I have to admit I am not sure I would be into being there at the time which some men would find a huge turn on with two women but the fact that they where doing it does not turn me off or anything. I think there are far more females out there who don't have issues with Bi guys then you would realize. Not all could share with a male lover but wouldn't be freaked if a lovers previous partner had been male.

Love & Understanding
EnonEmouse

 

I think a LOT more people would be bisexual if they didn't allow society's opinions to stifle them.

 

My boyfriend is bi... It doesnt matter to me at all... Its actually amusing.. cause i can look at anouther guy and or girl and same for him... we can talk about it... and not get mad or freaked... I love hime the way he is and wouldnt want him to be any other way..

 

After a lifetime as being exclusively gay, I am 40, and now have transitioned into bisexuality, and I am not sure why. I am not religious, political, or gone thru therapy. It seems to be something I am evolving into, and my attraction to women has thrown me for a loop, yet I strangely like it. I don't know if it is a stage, or what. Skeeter, you seem to be only one like me I can find.

 

Don't let this upset you everyone changes through their lifetime. Let it be a part of you you are proud of just like being Gay being Bi is something to be proud of. I am not saying take out a newspaper add but don't deny yourself the enjoyment of both sexes it is a great thing.

Love & Deep Understanding
EnonEmouse

 

i dont' actually think any sexual orientation is something to be proud of. it just is. it's like being really proud you were born a woman instead of a man, or an american instead of canadian. it's not like you had a choice. my being proud of loving women as well as men kinda implies that my best friend should be ASHAMED or at least less proud of NOT wanting women.

anyway, got kinda philisophical there. sorry.

 

I guess I didn't word that very well I meant don't hide it sort of proud not anything else. I know what you mean but I just didn't word it right thats not really what I meant by it.


Love & Groveling
EnonEmouse

 

Interesting that we both came out bi after being gay at the same age -- 40. I've noticed that a lot of people who come out bi after previously being exclusively straight or exclusively gay do so as they enter middle age. It's a fact that the need for emotional and/or erotic intimacy grows exponentially after age 40, especially for men, regardless of sexual orientation. There are certain levels of emotonal and/or erotic intimacy that a woman can give that a man can't -- and vice-versa.

So I suspect that going from gay to bi or from straight to bi is part of growing older.

-- Skeeter

 

Very interesting idea Skeeter. I have been thinking about what you said and I think your right I do know a number of middle aged people (women too) who have after being married with children and things etc come out as Bi in their late 30's early 40's. I wonder what happens at that point in your life where you decide these things. I know personally I have always found both sexes atrractive for a long as I can remember. Do they deny it until then then decide to hell with it I can't do that anymore or is it a true change at that time in their life. Can you answer this Skeeter?

Love & Wonderin'
EnonEmouse

 

If I had a crush on someone with an actual boyfriend, I wouldn't date him. If he wanted to be with me and just needed a good pound up the bum every once and a while, then that would be ok. i need to have a good time with a girl every once and a while. But I wouldn't want to date someone who had a relationship with someone else. THat can get messy and I don't have enough patience to deal with it