Jerks Or The Nice Guy?

well, i did step outside of what i THOUGHT were my requirements, my preferences. and i ended up finding my husband, the absolute best man i've ever known. sometimes our preferences are unrealistic and a product of society's perceptions of what we should want.

though i didn't really see anything wrong with keown's list of desireable characteristics.

 

"well. he said his attraction was to strong, independent women who are physically fit and liberal minded. i don't think those types of women only exist in porn. and he never said that he wanted a woman who had a perfect body, just someone who was in shape and healthy.
now i completely agree with a lot of your points. i think flaws make a person more interesting, and i think the easier you are to please, the more often you will be pleased and the happier your life will be.
but, one part of your post confuses me. you say you can't choose who you are attracted to but at the same time you are telling him to be more open minded about who he is attracted to...? i don't understand this, could you please explain it ot me?"

Oh well right on, I dind't actually read all of the thead...so I was knda thinking he was just like those guys who want a Barbie doll girl..so that was my bad. I don't know why but I got the impression from the few posts I read that he was one of those jerk offs. Heh sorry original poster. hell I would fit that description then lol, well at least I'm getting fit (I had a baby). But I still stand by my opinion that you can't have too rigid of expectations. Hell even if they're good expectations. All people have flaws, more flaws than good points if we're honest with ourselves lol

When I was talking about the not being able to choose who you're attracted to, I meant that when you feel that spark for someone, it just happens. It has nothing to do with lists requiremnets or nothing, it just happens...you don't choose. I was saying you can't make up a list of rigid requirements because when you might meet the person you're meant to be with, they might be nothing like what you thought you wanted. The point I was trying to get across was if you meet someone you're attracted to, you have a choice. To pursue it or to leave it alone. Lets say you're someone who has rigid expectations, you want a girl who has a perfect body and wants to stay home and cook and clean. Well lets say you meet a girl at the bar, and you're attracted to her but she has a little bit of belly fat or small boobs and talks about college and careers. Now, if you have an open mind you might try and go on a few dates and see what happens. If you have very rigid requirements, you might say nice to meet you and move on, even though you're attracted to her. On the flip sided, you might meet a girl who does have a perfect body and wants to stay home and clean, but you might feel no sparks or any connection at all. Does that clear anything up? Basically you can't choose who you're attracted to, but you do choose you you pursue a relationship with. Ask again if it doesn't clear up for you, I don't always get my point across so great. LOL And I won't think you're ragging me as long as you don't start insulting my spelling or telling me how irrational I am haha

 

Guess I kinda need to defend some of what i said.

As far as "strong and independant" go, really, that should be easy. I'm don't want some weak dependant woman who is going to want me to provide after her material and emotional needs. I don't want a mate that is trying to live vicariously through me.

"Liberal" is also easy. Hell, everyone who reads this meets this requirement by virtue of being here. Simply, I am an intelligent liberal (libertarian actually) with certain view that we need to share. Obviously, I'm not going to find alot of common ground with a neo-con or whatnot. Debate is healthy, but I don't feel like having to either shut up or argue every time our views clash.

And I seem to be drawing the most fire for what I said regarding physical shape. I think what I need to do here is quote my original post and ask everyone to reread it. "Superficially, I'm looking for someone in some semblance of decent shape. As a rule of thumb, someone able to hike all afternoon with a small pack." No where do I say anything about appearance or being in great shape. I am not a gym jerk or work out nut. I said some semblance of decent shape. You know, able to enjoy being outdoors, some respect for your health and body. And that comment was meant to cut both ways. I am no more interested in a skinny weak person than I am a grossly obese woman. My ideal has feminine curves and and not alot of angles. Finally, that was listed last and I said it was superficial. Not the first thing I'm looking for.

Anyways, this is probably the first thread that I've spoken much about myself and the first I've had so many replies to. Thanks for the consideration.

 

sounds like a worthwhile list to me. like i said, try durango, colorado. the place is just CRAWLING with those ladies. no one there is into being really thin, just really healthy. neat crowd. hiking and backpacking are the local sports. i'm actually moving back down there soon. i'll be there just in time for the spring/summer/autumn hiking season. you can't be there without using the outdoors. though i hate winter sports.

 

i know what you're saying, star. when i first met my man, i was surprised by how huge his teeth were, plus he had a bit of an overbite and weak chin. but i liked him, gave it a go. things worked out awesome. turns out he was perfect, and i think he's so handsome. i don't know WHY at first i didn't think he was handsome, it's so crazy to me now.

 

reconsider : to consider again

Let me try to clarify what I was saying, yet again. I wasn't saying he had to change what he was looking for in a woman (what you find desireable and what you are looking for can be two things. One is a mental choice, the other is from your heart). I was just trying to say that that type of woman (intellectual and very fit) were rare, at least in my tiny corner of the world.

 

thanks for the advice..
i have pritty much narrowred down whats wrong with me and what i should work on... 1. im not confdent at all. and when i try to be i feel cocky. i think the only way ill be confedent is to go work out a bit. everytime im done working out i feel soo GREAT. 2. im so clueless about what to do. like a few days ago this girl i know ( sort of have a crush on) was crying about something that happened with her family. i had no clue what to say or do, like do i put my arm around her and comfort her? or do i say certain things, or just shut up. i kept saying its okay and stuff like that. dont think it worked out too well... 3. ( i dont kno about this one) i should stop worring about loseing her as a friend. like i end up being really good freinds with a girl and i start liking her. but im clueless. (reffering back to number 2) i dont kno if she likes me, or is just flirting with me beacuse were friends. I DONT KNO. soo im too scared to say anything beacuse it might scare her away ( ive seen this happen soo many times; i knew this guy and girl and they were like BEST FRIENDS. the guy told the girl he likes her. she wasnt soo sure, after a few weeks they jsut stopped talking to each other.) < dont want that happening. i rather have a girl as a friend than scare her off.... soo yup... those are the things i gotta work on....
EDIT: i just realized i had no clue on how to work on those things. any suggestions. thanks agian

 

Courage isn't a brilliant dash,
A daring deed in a moment's flash,
It isn't an instantaneous thing,
Born of despair with a sudden spring.
But it's something deep in the soul of man
That is working always to serve some plan.

Edward Guest

 

yea, as upsetting as it is, from experience ivelearned that most girlsgo for jerks... and of course i have to be acomplete niceguy. BUT, like i said, most girls go for jerks.what i have found is that if you're a nice guy that you shouldnt trytogo looking for a relationship, but insted let the relationship cometoyou. this way, when you do find a girl shes one that likes niceguysand ive just found that relationships work better when you didnthave tolook for it. I dont know... this probably doesnt evenmake any sense,but so far things have worked out for me, and i found agirl that reallylikes the nice guy that i am

 

which is more often than not displayed fairly readily in one's behavior....

 

Yes, but the degree in which it is recognized depends on how shallow the observer is...