please read

ok this is the beginnign of ....something...

This is how she believed it would always be like. This feeling. As she lay between the sink and the toilet in a prison of squalor she believed that she would never escape this mental prison. A self-made prison. Her life sentence. She felt dizzy; nausea was rippling through her body, her vision blurred. For she had forgotten when she last felt clean, not clean in the outward sense but clean in an inward context, although she found it hard to find the motivation to keep herself presentable anymore. She felt dirty. After years of trying to be beautiful, she felt she could no longer continue this pretence. She was an ugly person, ugly all over, and no one could change her mind. No one. And so she wept, wept her self into a drowsy, disturbed sleep and into another day, a day shadowed, so she suspected, of This feeling.

And so morning came. And with the morning came sunlight. The sunlight peeked in through the blinds of her bathroom which housed dust and grime of a few centimetres in thickness. She had fallen asleep in the bathroom, again and could not remember how she had gotten there. She manoeuvred into a kneeling position, reminiscent of a prayer position, head in hands, and sighed. The light warmed her back, the rays separated by the slats of the blinds, creating a pattern on the half revealed flesh. A piece of toilet paper was stuck to her leg by something sticky, shampoo she supposed. She peeled it off; the fruity smell confirmed that the shampoo had indeed bound them together. She threw the paper in the general direction of the toilet bowl. As it flew, she watched as it opened out with gracefulness like a parachute and glided into the waters of the toilet bowl letting the water penetrate its frail form until it was completely submerged. The paper, it seemed to her, had peace, rest; it had let go and let itself be smothered by the water. She felt like she would like to be smothered; smothered by existence and never to return to this harsh life. Bitter, and unable to let something else enjoy what she could not, she flushed the toilet and watched as the paper was swallowed into oblivion.



Roly.xxx

 

Some interesting analogies, but I'm a bit confused: is she in a real prison or isn't she? Some of the grammar could do with tweaking (sorry, I can't help but notice these things) but other than that it's not bad.

 

Agreed. Woo,grammar!

It's nice though.

 

sounds kinda too personal though. kinda sad. sounds kinda mysterious. I thought there was gonna be something hopeful when the sun was in the picture but I guess not, hey?

good job lass.

 

what?/?

I guess I don't know enough about English grammar either. "Interesting analogies"?? there were pictures that jumped up in your face. How come you don't know what a METAPHOR is. "my hell is the closet i'm stuck in side/can't see the light." maybe you've heard it?

 

Well, I gathered she is in a mental prison, a metaphorical one. But I wondered if she was in a real one as well. I wasn't sure. I guess not.

 

lol....saying as it says 'mental prison' well concluded columbo!!!!

thank you smlchance...greatly appreciated...and yeh it is kinda personal.

Roly.xxx

 

Wow! You sure do have a pure delicious immagination!

I would Love to hear you describe a Kiss, your highness...

 

If I had this piece in front of me and a sharp pencil for company I'd give it a haircut. It'd be ready to join the navy! Don't be afraid to edit your work.... and mean it.

 

hmmm...yes i understand that the english i not grammatically correct, if i had wanted it correct i guess i wud have written it correct huh? but i did not i wanted it broken...i wanted random full stops in places they shudnt be too. so...yes.....but editing is a good tool i kno. however it is a spontaneous piece and to edit would be to ruin the spontanaeity of it.

 

A kiss?

Warily the two explore eachother almost touching, hesitant but eager, unsure but wanting, longing for connection. Contact, the two press against eachother and linger, they want not to break from eachother, the two. A darting, a flickering, a familiar intrusion, a welcome intrusion. Deeper. Stronger. Love, sweet and kind transferred in the Kiss, He holds her lip in his,to keep the connection, the contact. And the two work as one.


This was a brief attempt, i like some of it and don't like some of it. it literally took about 5 minutes.

Roly.xxx

 

ok here's some more....added onto the end...please let me kno if u like..or not



Eventually she managed to get up to a standing position. She sighed a long drawn out sigh. A “me against the world” sigh. She turned the faucet and sprayed her face with some water; she shuddered at this sudden cold shock which had pained her. This is how she believed it would always be like. This permanent Monday morning feeling which had escalated into a monster, a shadow perhaps,

‘Yes’ she thought, ‘A shadow, and just like my own shadow, I can never escape. What is this nagging I feel? This pull? This feeling a little like a conscience. What is it that makes me feel guilty about being the me I am today?’

As she entered her bedroom, she flinched as the sun’s rays kissed her face. She took off the vest top she had been wearing for the entirety of the weekend.

Someone, somewhere, has a Voodoo doll of me and is sticking bloody great big needles in it’ she thought, ‘Well it hurts you know, it hurts!’ she hollered into the emptiness of her small bedroom. But no one heard, no one had ever heard, or listened. No one.




Roly.xxx

 

Can you push just a little bit deeper into the mind, to add the next depth level to your work...



"Hot wet flesh, throbbing, sighing, quivering with raw excitement...
pushing, reaching, for the next caress...
souls blazing new paths to meet again more warrior' soft touch...
begging "more More MORE!"... and fearing too much...

 

Yeah, I'm guessing she doesn't want to shoot her whole load right away.

 

Can you draw that to be a duet singing a happy song...

 

Can you compose a coherent sentence?

 

I've done two or three that will likely cause you a sudden triple hernia, and force you to spew forth obsenities that you haven't even thought of yet...
Surf:http://groups.yahoo.com/group/occultrush/

 

Can you direct me to those particularly ones? I've only really dipped into a couple of posts, but the words "trite" and "garden variety" spring to mind. Maybe it's your earlier works or something, but the ones I checked out read like the juvenile ramblings of a wannabe polemic with nothing new to say. The secret to evangelism is not in the beauty of the message, but in the charisma of the messenger, and there is nothing less beguiling than what you see every day.

 

I've got nothing of interest to you.

 

So they're all much of a muchness then? Pity, you offer more of a sense of literal colour when you post here. Maybe we bring that out in you. But writing from the heart isn't always enough of its own. It'll be you, but it'll also show that you aren't that different from a hell of a lot of other people. Head and heart need to work together, otherwise you end up with a dictionary recital at one extreme and a page full of doodles at the other.