my last serious post of the night and prolly my last post of the night.

i would choke to say my only friend i ever had.. but defiantly one of the one true friends i ever had the the only one who pasted test (i wasnt the test maker)

killed himself in 2000... he was also the first person i ever loved (i have only loved two, him and my husband)...

my question is... after he killed himself... why was everyone that had so much to say usually (oftentimes too much to say) quiet?

why after two weeks was i not allowed to talk?

am i supposed to be over it by now?

is there something wrong with me that im not?

 

side note-

i was thinking tonight... if he (brian) came back... and was just HERE, or back from the dead, whatever.. i would still pick my husband (a year ago, prolly not)... i guess that means im getting more "over it"

but do you ever get "over it"?

 

Over it as in his death, or having loved him? Either way I'd say likely never, not completely at least.

 

ill never be over either. its being able to function.

like not wondering "what could i have done"

me telling myself "yeah, he moved a seven hour drive away over a year before he did it and i didnt drive yet" well that helps

but it doesnt. it's really really hard. i dont think of him often but when i do it is so intense and i know NO ONE wants to hear it.. i mean, i feel that even my family and close friends shied (sp) away from me before a week after his death went away.

i mean, i feel guilty typing this.

but yeah, my love for him and his love for me... it's eternal. i truly feel that. we are kindred spirits. i just feel bad that he made such a horrible mistake.

and the story of WHY.. that i heard.. i dont know if it's true cause he suffered from depression but i heard this (at his funeral from his friends that heard SO MUCH about me).. that.... he had liked this girl for a while (bri and i were just friends at the time) and the girl he liked started dating his best friend there and he got drunk and slept with her. he killed himself the day after.

 

You can always bitch to people whether they want to listen or not. I do it all the time.

 

hehe

 

I wouldnt mind hearing about it.

 

love stays in ones heart forever....

 

but still.. why did my mom turn away from me talking about it after the third day?

is it so hard to hear?

and puddin, if you let me, ill tell you.

 

Ill let you.

 

some people can't handle the grieving process, mother may be still in the denial process..

 

yeah his mom is her best friend, his bro, is my bro's bf

odd, i know

 

all takes a lifetime to get over l guess..

 

yeah, you are right and it's all okay. next time around, a different story

 

You have a lot of people in your life that are "reminders". No wonder it is still so hard. When you see these people or hear of them I'm sure the first person you think of is Brian.

I don't think Love ever truly goes away after one has had Love for someone. There are people in my life that I haven't spoken to for almost 15 years but when I think of them I know I feel Love for them. I once cared and shared myself with this person (s).

There is nothing wrong with you for still Loving Brian. I know that doesn't help the pain that you feel. Time does help, memories may fade however they may never be forgotten.

I don't know if you feel this way or not but if you do...I would not spend the rest of my life beating myself up over something you can not change. I would try and figure out a way to come to terms with the situation, with his memory. Lite a candle and celebrate the man that you did love and find a way to say goodbye. Maybe you will feel a comfort or peace you haven't felt and then you'll be able to move forward with your own life.

 

Some people may have been angry with him for doing that. They may want to put it behind them because there is nothing they can say to bring him back and it hurts too much to talk about him.
You'll probably never know exactly why he did it. Making others face the pain again won't give you any answers.
Is there any way you can make peace with it? Maybe you can talk to someone not involved, and get all your feelings heard. There is counselling for survivors out there, could you ask your doctor about it?

 

hang on so theres two sons and you are a woman with a brother, and your brother is gay, with one of the sons, and you fell in love with the other son, and your mums are best friends?

thats a pretty fuckin intense link of families man

i mean sis

 

I think she meant "bf" to mean "best friend" not boyfriend....

 

when peolpe i love die, i mourn for a while then try to not think about them much, because if i did i couldn't live id be sad all the time. even when i hear their names mentioned and talk about them i tear up and have to leave and get some air

 

i did and daisy thanks for the advice. maybe i will try that. maybe join some kind of support group so i can talk to other people that have been through it.