Allow me to explain what I mean...hopefully someone can answer my question. I have been blessed with what I believe is the wisdom to tell the difference between what I can and cannot control. Unfortunately, on the surface, I guess this appears to be extreme apathy. For the vast majority of life, this works great as I heedlessly flow with the Tao. My mind experiences very few emotional peaks and almost no emotional valleys. I've often been accused of not getting excited, even when I thought I was excited. I guess my point is even times I consider myself on an emotional peak it would be, by most standards, not much of a peak at all. It's hard to explain, but I try to live life with no expectations and as a result, I experience no disappointment. To some, including myself, the state I am in is highly desirable. My only problem with it has been in a relationship. As I said, I guess I appear extremely apathetic sometimes and I'm sure you can see how this would prove to be a problem for relationships. There were times when my gf (of 3 years) would try to fight with me and I simply could not fight. She would threaten to leave me and I wouldn't (couldn't) even try to convince her to stay. She knew I loved her and I'd do anything for her, I just couldn't fight. Also, she would say I didn't seem happy to see her. The truth is I am always so mellow and happy that on the outside I probably didn't appear any different with or without her. A quote I've always remembered is "you can't be lonely if you like the person you are alone with." I am completely comfortable and happy with myself, and I do need some alone time. In fact, I could probably live my entire life in complete solitude and not have a problem. Not that I want that, of course. This leads to a few other problems: when my gf finally left me I didn't blink an eye. Again, no expectations, no disappointments. That sounds really bad but I can assure you that I do love her and always will. But because I see it as something I have no control over, I immediately accept it and it rolls right off my back. Another problem this leads to is the fact that I never ask a girl out. I guess I AM too apathetic, I don't know. Anyway, the question of apathy worse than anger came from the fact that when I talked to my ex not too long ago, she was in a relationship with a guy who was very angry and borderline abusive. I told her I thought my approach of apathy (with regards to fighting) was better than his approach of anger. She said she "wasn't so sure about that." So, am I crazy? Too apathetic to love or be loved? Too apathetic to take a chance in asking a girl out? just goin with the flow, humandraydel
i think there's a pretty big difference between being mellow and happy and being apathetic... being apathetic, you just don't give a shit about anything. if that's honestly how you feel, then why even worry about having a gf? in fact, why ARE you worrying about it? if you want a gf, then WHY do you want one? do you want somebody to spend time with or would you honestly rather be by yourself?... i guess i'm kind of confused about what exactly you want.. then i would hope to give some advice. to answer your question on apathy vs. anger.... i like a mix... for myself and my signif. other. abuse is bad... but showing you care is awesome. accepting change and other ppl's feelings is good, but simply not caring sucks. you and the other guy you mentioned seem to embody the two extremes. i prefer somewhere in the middle... more towards the passionate side. (though abuse and uncontrollable rage is bad.) hehe hope that all made sense...
With anger, I suppose, it at least shows you feel something. Apathy is, well, apathy.. I've sort of 'gone with the flow' for quite a while, a little while at least, but I've realized finaly, if I don't go out and cause something to happen, nothing will happen. You can go with the fdlow, but what if the flow takes you nowhere?
aha! i love it... so many times i read something on these forums and a lightbulb goes on insdie my head....
That's the thing....I don't want. Desire leads to expectations which can lead to disappointment. I'm not surprised I'm having a hard time describing how I feel. No one seems to understand it. And it's not that I don't show that I care, because I definitely do. It's just that I don't get upset over anything. Maybe it appears I don't care because I don't get upset, I dunno. Oh well, I think I'm not going to be able to articulate my feelings well enough. Thanks anyway.
