Post An Evil Entry From The Diary Of The Poster Before You

Dear Diary, I was at the zoo again today---at that monkey compound where all those monkeys run around. Once again I threw a banana into the compound, with a black cat firecracker tucked inside it. Today it was one of the younger ones that started to go for it----but of course the black cat soon exploded. I laugh so hard when those monkeys run around so fast. It is the funniest thing, they run and jump, they try to hide in a cage that they can never get out of----stupid monkeys, where are you going to hide? Where are you going to run to? I always have to take off quickly before the zookeepers come running. Sometimes though I can get 2 or 3 blackcat bananas in there. Even now I laugh at how they run and jump.

But the way they run, with no where to go, it really does reflect how we humans are trapped in our own pathetic existence---running around thinking there is a way to escape----but no...

On a side note, I have noticed that they really should replace those monkeys---they're all pulling out their hair, and they all seem to be getting more and more aggressive at each other. I pay good money to go into that zoo!

 

Dear Diary,
10:00: Oh dear, following last night's party I am relieved to know that I made it back home - although how I came to end up with a tattoo on my backside with the words No Entry on it is a bit of a mystery.
My clothes stink, threw them all in the washer - gonna have a nap.
15:00: The washing I put on earlier has finished - all my 'Whites' have come out Greeny Grey - I've no idea why.
16:00: Found my phone. the "I'm sorry about last night -hope we don't regret doing what we did-lol" text is a bit worrying
17:00: The Taxi firm have returned my jacket they said I'd left in their cab, went through my jacket pockets - WTF Pink Panties!! where did they come from?
19:00: There's a couple of Cops knocking the door, what do they want? - be right back .........................

 

Dear Diary

My recent purchase of two 60 lbs. bags of Lime at Home Depot raised no suspicions and was paid for in cash so not to leave any money trail.

I must get home quickly from the hardware store, my little butterfly nearly escaped last week from the basement while I was traveling home from the liquor store. I think she suspects
something. She may have heard some unusual sounds coming from the tree shredder, and she couldn’t miss the vile putrid odor coming from the backyard shed.

 

Dear Diary
Back from the cop shop.
I was able to pass off the shenanigans of my previous escapades with a convincing display of ‘still druken’ behaviour and lack of recollection, my explanation of the bras and dresses in my wardrobe that I attributed to costume pieces for Halloween must have been in some way convincing. The lazy deputy was more interested in finishing early to go home to review the “cheerleaders play” film he found in my cupboard – (although when he finds it to be the Christmas show that my niece sent me he may well be disappointed)
There’s a note on my mat from a hand-delivered missive “Saw what happened, can’t believe it, I didn’t think you’d do that! We have to talk, be in touch”. Goddamn it, no signature. My phone is re-charging

My phone; now charged has several messages from an unknown number.
I am having brief flashes of recollection as the substances are wearing off as the day passes. “The music was loud, - in a half-naked crowd, and as the booze it did flow, was a desire that grow-ed - for a pretty young thing in the corner”.
I recognised the room, it was the old place my grandparents had left me some years ago. Gradually it’s coming back to me … I’d best sober up, I need to go back there and check it out

 

It's MEEEE.
I'm SO glad I was on duty last night. Some hungover bloke wobbled into the station and tried to convince us duty cops that all the bras,panties,stilettos and nipple-clamps we found in his wardrobe were for a Halloween event. HA!

Just maybe, if he hadn't been wearing a chiffon dress that was 18" too short and bright red lipstick, we MAY have believed his account....so,just to be certain,I left an unsigned letter [because I want his curiosity as aroused as I am-grrrr!] on his doormat. I let him know I'll be in touch...keep'em keen, eh? I also left him several messages on his mobile 'phone. I'm hoping he sobers up and recollects the events that took place that night in his granny's old house.
The CD I found in his cupboard, called ''Cheerleaders Play'',made VERY interesting viewing. I had NO idea it was possible to play the flute using that particular orifice! Still...I'm off duty now and sat here in his granny's old bedroom, waiting.....I have the feeling he'll be along soon.....

 

Dear Diary,
OMG the shock of my life. I went to my Grans and found.someone had left half eaten doughnuts and a cup of unfinished coffee on the kitchen table.
There is an aroma of cigars in the air and strange muffled noises from upstairs - I am not alone - stuff that I'm off!. I can always get a new wardrobe.

 

Dear Diary,

Wednesday 10:00 am

My girlfriend was murdered last night. When the police found her body in the woods she was lying naked on top of a pile of leaves covered in her own blood - Her throat was slit from ear to ear.
No trace of her killer was found. Could she be the victim of a serial killer operating in this area. Will soon be heading to the Police station to give my statement.

4:00 pm

I’m tired, Just spent the last 3 hours talking with the police. They seemed dubious of my alibi that I was fast asleep at the time of the murder.

6:00 pm

Keep having flashbacks of a dream I had last night. I’m running through the woods carrying a large knife and I’m either chasing someone or being chased after, I’m not sure,
I only know there’s blood everywhere. It’s strange how vivid dreams can be sometimes.

 

Dear Diary;
...this is getting weird. Again,last night,~I was on duty when we got a call to attend a brutal murder scene.
There was a shop dummy,dressed in [quelle surprise] bra,knickers and very short skirt from a suspect's wardrobe...but covered in tomato ketchup all around it's neck-and the kitchen knife from a certain person's carving-set was there,beside the dummy, along with a hand-written typed note [shuddup] saying "It wasn't me,I'm at home, fast asleep!"
We brought in the main suspect of this ridiculous waste of police time and questioned him for three hours.
I really amn't sure about his shaky alibi...nobody mentioned the time of the incident to him, but he INSISTED he was 'asleep at the time'. Strangely,he smelled of cigars and had a large coffee-stain on his frock. [hmmmm...]
He also stated he's never been in Wolf Angel's wardrobe, sitting peeking out as the aforementioned looked round his bedroom...which is ALSO strange,as nobody asked him if he had been! The female dummy has been placed in the care of NCIS,as their pathologist,'Ducky', is rather good at establishing who murdered dummies. This really is a weird case...

 

Dear Diary ...

... I had a really totally boringly non-eventful day today. Incredible, huh? I mean, this is ME we're talking about. MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. Rhymes with WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ... which is what I shouted as I slide down the slide at the children's playpark. Of course, I'm not really allowed to do that, because there's a big sign up saying it's for Under-8s only. But they didn't specify any units, did they? So I decided it meant under 8 centuries, and I just about manage to qualify for that one (they don't call me Peter House for nothing, you know). All the same, I thouhght it best that there were no witnesses, and there were these three youngsters hanging around, so I asked if they wanted to play a fun game in the sand pit. They said yes (well of COURSE they did ... ) so I dug a 6 foot hole and buried them. Then I went and had a bit of fun on the slide ... and the swings ... and the rocking horse ... and then I noticed the CCTV camera which had filmed the lot. So I found a good sized stone and lobbed it at the camera to smash it to pieces. On the seventeenth attempt I gave up. Well anyway, there's a flashing blue light outside and somebody's knocking at my door. Well, doors, actually. Front and back. So I guess I'd better go and see what all the commotion is ...

 

Dear Diary;
I really am getting fed up with finding aliens in children's sandpits. Apparently,there was a ''mustachioed lady with lots of chins'' who offered to keep them warm,then buried them in sand before attacking a rocking horse with a spoon. The aliens are from Betelgeuse and are here as forward-negotiating party regarding trade between our systems. They're now not certain if trade with Earth is worth the bother,as after burying them in sand,the bearded lady kept throwing stones at the landing-light on their capsule. According to the description,this lady was in her mid-eighties,with a mono-brow,flat chest,massive feet,large ars..er...bottom,plus had three green teeth and a wart. Anyone sighting her should notify the Walt Disney studios,as they wish to offer her the part of 'Mad Old Bat' in their next 'Despicable Me' animation.

 

31 December 2017

5.45 ... woke up with a brilliant insight into how to prove Fermat's Last Theorem. Oh boy ... now I really AM going to make it big time. All I need is somewhere to jot it down before I forget it, and just wait for the mega bucks to start rolling in.

6.15 ... having spent the last half hour ransacking the house in search of a scrap of paper ... and scrap of paper ... on which to write down my proof, I am forced to conclude that the only place I am going to be able to write it down before I forget it is right here, in the pages of this diary, because I have no other paper in the house and shan't be able to buy any more until the shops open on 2 January. So I guess I'm going to have to write it down right here, in this diary. So if you want to see my proof, all you have to do is turn the page and .... OH BUGGER!!!!!!!

 

Monday evening.
Just got home from my date with puggybear. Things were going good until he started doing his Queen Elizabeth does Motörhead act in the restaurant. We were escorted out and asked never to come back. From there we went to a little pub for wine and a pint of ale. All in all it was a very bizarre date. Not sure if there will be another.

 

Dear Diary,

Since I was a child not a single day has gone by that I didn’t think about killing someone. I never understood where the compulsion came from but I also didn’t care as if I was born without a conscience.

My first kill occurred when I was 8 years old during a visit to my grandfather’s farm in Vermont. He was repairing the roof on the main house when the ladder he was standing on suddenly gave way.
He fell 30 feet to his death. The coroner’s office concluded he broke his neck and It was deemed an accident but I know otherwise.

 

Ohhhh,diary; this has been one HECK of a day.
It started with what was supposed to be a quiet 'pie-and-a-pint' with an old [VERY old] former hippy,who insisted on fondling my wallet.
To get away from his sweaty hands,I borrowed a guitar from the resident band,got up on stage and played a few Status Quo riffs...which ended in farce when the ancient,crumbling old hippy kept trying to sing Motorhead words!!! Then some silly woman ran in,muttering loudly about being unable to find an integer value greater than 'N'...yeah-that's what WE all thought,too. She was desperate to find a sheet of paper,so we had her escorted to the toilets and bolted the door from the outside!
Then JUST as things were settling down again,in rushed a scruffy chap with the rung of a ladder in his hand. He ran around the dance-floor,shouting "I dunnit once,I'll dwit again!" before bursting into maniacal laughter and hitting himself on the head with the rung. His last words were "See? Just like Grandpa!" as he fell into a state of inebriated stupor. Hmm...just MAYBE,it's time I returned to my own planet....this one's full of nutters....

 

Dear diary ... it's no good. I've run out of halucingenics and the pharmacy isn't going to open until last Thursday. It looks like I'm going to have to take a dose of reality instead. I do hope it isn't habit-forming ...

 

Dear Diary; today I had the misfortune to be at hand when a totally out-of-it female person came screaming up to me yelling about the pharmacy being shut just when she needed it. Apparently, in her world,reality is a terrible side-effect of becoming 'straightened' in her mind. Seeing many people walking in different directions seemed to confuse her and caused her to question the value of pi - loudly. I do hope her version of reality isn't habit-forming....

 

Dear diary, I shit in the woods today. I blamed it on the Pope but it was all me. I am tired of the charade of being a bear when in fact I am the kind of bear that is big and gay. But the worst part about today was when I caught that salmon and I had flashbacks of that time I dressed in a fabulous bear suit. But today was a good day otherwise...I just let everyone else be themselves.