I like her. A lot. It crept up on me slowly. I met her over a year ago, but I almost never see her because she lives in Baltimore. I know it's cliche, but I only see her during protests and funerals. We talked a lot the first time. Stayed up half the night on watch together, actually. She was calm, cool, collected. Firm and gentle. Outspoken and understanding. Exchanged e-mail addresses, but never really expected to see her again. Ran into each other at the RNC, outside of the jail. She gives the most amazing hugs. Warm and soft and taking her time. I do not mistake it for a come-on. She hugs many people the same way. Exchanged e-mail addresses again, because we'd both lost them. Never really expected to see her again. She invited me, along with a bunch of other people, to stay at her house in Baltimore during the innauguration. My entire affinity group went down Wednesday night. All but me and my buddy left the next night. He and I stayed until Sunday. We spent a lot of time together. Walked around Baltimore. Sat at the harbor. Went to a bookstore. We talked and talked for hours. Better conversation than I'm used to. She is so strong. So humble, and firm. She really listens, and expresses her honest opinions. So we opened up to each other. My buddy was sleeping in the living room, so the last night we went into her room to talk. We talked for at least 5 hours. I poked through her possessions in her room, read her old letters while she watched. I have some issues. I'm dealing with them. But it takes some time. I haven't been sexual with anyone since the issues surfaced over a year ago. It's this guilt complex. I feel guilty about being sexualy attracted to people now. Intelectually, I know it's not right to be ashamed of a natural desire. But my intelect is only a small corner of my being. It's going to be there until I figure out this paradox of human sexuality. If I randomly hit on people I don't know, obviously that's not right. But once I know someone better, there is so much to risk in a sexual advance. Not just getting rejected. I can deal with that. But it really endangers the friendship. And friendships are important to me. I explained this to her, sitting accross from her on her floor. Not very many people understand how deaply it effects me. But I think she does. And I realised how much I want her. I had an errection. But it was just too perfect. I didn't want to destroy the moment. I didn't want to react to the learing faces of my friends the next day. I didn't want to confuse the issue. I just wanted to be close to her. I lay my head on her lap, and we held hands. We talked for a while longer, and then we had to drag ourselves apart and go to sleep. And that was it. She woke me up for a hug the next morning on her way to work. I haven't seen her since. But this time I expect to see her again. I think she might actually understand. I would love to explore her inch by inch. But what I really want is for us to hold each and whisper for hours, and sleep. That would be so satisfying to me. The loneliness... Thanks for reading, if you bothered.
Twice. Once talking about travel plans (I'm heading south in early Feb and might stop by). Once telling her about this cool sponge-bob show with a vegan message. She's an AR activist. No response yet. Not really sweating it. She's not too tech oriented. I don't think that it's the kind of thing that I should go into via e-mail. Y'know?
i agree, it's not the kind of thing to go into via e-mail... i just meant that it's always good to keep in touch until you do tell her. it sounds like that's what you've been doing, though. hopefully you get to see her in feb! she sounds like a wonderful lady. good luck!
That is so beautiful - I think that if things are meant to work out that they will and if you build a relationship up from this kind of foundation it stands a much better chance of working out. Once you have dealt with your issues and are ready, I believe the universe will rise up to meet you. Hope it all works out for you
