Managing 2 Different Sex Drives, Help?

Ok

At least consider for a second that you are not dealing with another intelligent human being, your are trying to train a monkey

You now want him to signal when he cant / doesnt want to do something

What positive reinforcement will he get for that?

And what i mean by that, is you also have to train yourself, dont even so much as roll your eyes, no negative reinforcement. And think of what things you will do to positively reinforce that behaviour....hint: more talking is not positive reinforcement

 

I have been following this thread loosely and sporadically.......I don't know....
no pressure or anything, right? lol

I tend to let people just be who they are......and I am someone that is abstinate, as that is never what my marriage was about here. I have come to the conclusion that i married my dad...someone very kind and that is good to me in so many other ways....but it is not a sexual relationship, as that is what i did not want at the time or need, anyway, at the time....so I am a person that can never give advice to these things.....i find it strange that some have insatiable appetites....when mine has been barely awakened....lol

 

VG, tell me what you would want me to do if you found yourself in this situation, as him.

If I don't know that you are not in the mood, are under a lot of stress and just don't think you can perform, or whatever, how am I supposed to know this?
In my mind, you're a guy who has kept up with me for the last year without trouble, now, things are not always as rock hard as they have been in the past.
I have to wonder if I'm doing something wrong, if so what can I do to make things better? If there is nothing wrong with me, but there is more stress, you realize
that things are not as rock hard as they were but are not ready to talk about what this could mean, how do I know? I am not a mind reader??

BUT, if there is something that can be done to make us both happy...if I can go without sex for a few days of down time, and if this is good for you and all you need
to do is touch me in quick non sexual ways, and this is not a big problem for you to do (turns out you can, it's not a big deal to you but a big deal to me) and it means
we are both happy, and the happy of me means less stress for you which in turn means less changes that things cannot get rock hard....see where I'm going?

If this were you, tell me what to do?

BTW, that posting was made by a crazy person. It was a bad day, but I'm told that menopause will do that to me. I'm going to have to write and wait overnight to see if the problem is really as big tomorrow as it is today...

Again, what would you do?

 

Lol, what would I do?, you dont want to know


Look, if it it mostly about the age thing, and a high probability it is, then ya know, watcha gonna do?

You have to find a replacement for that action

That is, if it is the age thing, i dont see any other option other than finding a replacement for n someway

And whats going to happen after menopause anyway, its going to shift around again? He will be shellshocked

 

Hmmmmm... reading the long intro as well as the long first update - didn't read all in between - perhaps I'm missing some - perhaps not. Just wanna write what resonates.... Some points:

1. I feel like I'm on the other side. I'm male and split up with my wife after 20 yrs and have now new gf. She wanna fuck (almost) everyday and I can barely handle it - although it's the way I ever imagined, ever wanted.
2. I have now as well troubles to get hard and take some pills for it - which is OK. Without pills I can only get hard easily when fantasizing - hard sex, spanking and so on. My own problems - not really related to her fault.
3. Have you ever heard about PolyAmory? The concept is to stay in relationship but have multiple of them. Everybody knows of them. Why not find a 20 yrs old young bull who wanna fuck his mother? ROFL No, seriously, why not get your sexual appetite be satisfied outside of your relation - your primal one. Except the primal one you could have others as well. But the q is if you wanna have them as fixed or just as an adventure. Just as a kick in your spiral thinking - perhaps there is another possibility than you could think of it for the very moment.
4. Depression pills? No, skip them. They block you from the other feelings. And if you wanna take them only for the sake of reduced sexual appetite - as mentioned above - there are other ways to fill your stomach (or so ;-) )
5. "I have no compelling need to see you." Fortunately he hasn't said "I have no compelling need to fuck you." But interesting how long you carry it around. Will there be ever a time when this statement wouldn't hurt? Or you wanna take it to your grave? Seriously!

my 2 cents

 

Are you sure there are no medical problems? Something as simple as moderate blood pressure fluctuations can cause big problems for a guy. Even somebody who isn't overweight.

Anyway, Viagra and Levitra have almost no side effects, and produce incredible performance enhancements. My husband says before he tried them, he hadn't had erections like that since he was a teenager. I highly recommend trying them.

Do you two have different favorite times of the day? Guys are more likely than women to prefer early morning. Metabolism and blood pressure seem to favor better performance for men early.

 

Karen asks "Do you have two different favorite times of the day?"

How about morning noon and night!

 

The spirit is wanting, the flesh cannot keep up.

An update,
I have been giving him more downtime or recovery time and the ED issues have disappeared. I do struggle a little in keeping him in the moment, his mind can wander to what he still needs to do by what date, but I'm combating that with words. Last night, for instance, I described in detail what it would be like if I brought another woman home for us to play with. I was very specific and that seemed to heighten bloodflow, and keep him in the room with me, focused. Turned me on a lot as well.

I understand that I'm asking a lot, and need to do my part to help him be successful so we both can be satisfied. He's not a radio with an ON/OFF switch either.

I will say that my toys are getting a good morning workout every day.

Thanks for the points of view, they all did help in some way.

 

What are those things that look like a pummel horse with a 2 stroke motor underneath, same kind of name as one of those Cymbal brands. Symbian I think

Buy one of those

Im not being bitchy , being serious

 

I totally agree. Nothing wrong with self service. Self service keeps many people sane.

 

This Unfortunately is an issue that is very close to my heart (well vagina really)

It is very difficult for a woman to admit to not be getting enough sex ........

It affects her emotionally and physically ....

but emotionally is where it hits hardest, and if you are in the menopause and already a hormonal mess

the emotional rejection will hit harder (excuse the pun)


I have recently been in a relationship where the sex drives didn't match

I spent years feeling, rejected, unwanted, unloved, unattractive, freakish

I was taking 200mg of effexor (anti anxiety pills) daily to quench the urge...

This didn't actually help much and in fact made me feel more like a freak that i had to take pills to control my sex drive.



People mostly view libido as something that is a want as opposed to a need. that is probably because they are having their needs met easily.

But i can guarantee you ,,,, if you are not having your urges met ,,,, it definitely becomes a need,

A need that feels as essential as air ,,,,,,, it can take over your mind to the point of being unable to focus or concentrate on anything else

masturbation can help ,,, and is likely to make you feel okay enough to focus on other things for a while

but it doesn't take away the urge to be with another person, the need to be wanted and desired.



We are programmed to believe that men are up for sex 24/7

so it is a huge crush to our ego to be turned down ,

truth is they are not machines ,,,,


However ,,, they are supposed to be 'in love' with us ........

And I am not sure about you SS ,,, but there were times over the years that i was unable medically to have intercourse.

for example .... after a surgery or complications in birth

in these times i was aware that although i couldn't have intercourse with him

I could stimulate him and be with him and meet his needs

I often lay beside him and touched him and whispered in his ear all the details of previous encounters we shared ......

I gave him amazing oral sex and i was there with him, giving him the physical contact and sexual release that he needed ....

I was happy to do this and actually learned that i loved to watch him enjoy it .......



What i discovered in MY time of need was ,,,,,, he wasn't willing to do the same for me......

If your husband feels he can't perform or is not up to it ,,,,,, can he not look after you ?????????????????........

He doesn't need an erection to give you an amazing orgasm ....

Why cant he realize that you need something ???????????????? ...............

These are the questions you should be asking yourself SS


In my situation after years of having the same conversations that you are having

and going through tumultuous emotions just like you are

I discovered that my man was just selfish and lazy...

He didn't have any physical problem ... he could get it up if HE wanted to

It worked fine in that he was able to orgasm if HE bothered to ...

he just wasn't prepared to make the effort when i wanted to ...................


So In conclusion ,,,,,,,,,, ask yourself ,,,,, is it just your sex life that is lacking

Is he prepared to go the extra mile for you ??????????????

 

Yes, this.
He is trying harder, and I am expecting less....it's getting better.