Figured This Was The Best Place To Look.

Beautiful! And I completely agree about homes like that. I worked in one basically all throughout high school...serving food, doing dishes, etc. I loved the residents and I loved the wealth of knowledge they were willing to share with me if I just took the time to listen to them. I used to get in trouble for talking to them too much all the time but I was the most popular employee there with the residents and I always got my stuff done on time so the administrators could only say so much to me. I provided something the residents needed and they provided me with knowledge, stories and great personal insight into history...local and otherwise. So I think that's a great thing for you to try tomorrow. Great idea! Please tell us how it goes.

 

Just hit the road and travel--blanket and tarp. Go to Europe, the Med, Africa, Saudi, and Pakistan--go to Karachi---live there and work for W.H.O. for a while. Those people have a reason to be depressed. Don't stress about money or food. If your on your path it will be there. Skip the drugs.--or go to Seattle and apply at NOAA/NMFS--lie about education then go to Alaska and work as an observer on the Bering sea in winter-- trust me--a change of venue can change your world--I was locked up in 76 for depression--saw people get shock therapy.

My life hasn't been a wonderland but when I look back I wouldn't change a thing.---To bad the Grateful Dead are gone--but music saved my ass--as a roadie and in 3 bands, and right now I live with a woman who make me feel better just by walking by. We have a nice house with gardens and a complete recording studio. Every now and then she brings home foster kids from Pearl Harbor. It's nice.

 

have you considered moving out of your parents' house? it's amazing what a little freedom and personal space can do for your well-being.

 

I did move out for quite a while, to an apartment in a different city. I lived there for a year and a few months - I was alone every single day apart from weekends, when my girlfriend came to visit. I want to want to be around people. I've already spent too much of my life locked away in whichever room i was living it at the time. All because I wanted to be alone, because of fear of other people (in a way). Everyone I knew was back in the town my parents live in, so I decided to move back. Moving back in with my parents meant I had a LOT more money. To give you an idea - The cheapest apartment I could find (in a really shitty area where they break&enter all the time was $300/month. I was making just over 400$/month. South Africa's the best, ya know. I decided I'd rather live with my parents for now and have all the money to spend on whatever I wanted (obviously I wanted drugs).

Once a week I spend a day alone in the mountain, make a fire and shit. I do it because it feels like it helps me get to know myself (which is probably bullshit). My parents live on a farm just outside town, and there's an apartment (like a granny flat) next to their house - my girlfriend and I lived there, now I live there. When my girlfriend was with me, way stayed alone in the apartment together. I felt comfortable enough around her to feel like I'm alone, even if she's with me (if that makes sense).

Basically, I have all the freedom I could ask for. I have a car, I can go anywhere I want whenever I want. I'd just rather be as isolated as possible - and I want to change that about myself.


Thanks for responding, Ms Underwear!
Have a nice day.

 

Your symptoms sound like schizophrenia not sever depression. If so it's not the end of the world. You just need to find others who are going through same thing. Kurt Vonegets son was schizophrenic and he recovered. Now he is a Pediatrician. He wrote a book about it called "The Eden Express" . Not as good as "Slaughter House Five." Or Kilgore trout--but much more relevant.

Good luck--and if it gets so bad you can't tolerate it move to Hollend or Oregon. I recommend Hollend--it's amazing what a change of scenery can do.
If you really want to off yourself don't use drugs--it's a cry for help. My last gf hung herself a few months after I left her. I told her I couldn't live with a herion or coke addict--I'd been there and never wanted to go back. She left Hawaii and went back to Marin county. # weeks latter she hung herself with a horse whip. I can't imagine how hopeless she must have felt. Go to the Netherlands. Or Roma, Istanbul, Israel, You can always off yourself tomorrow.

 

DON'T SELF MEDICATE---"I've Seen Th. Needle and the Damage Done"--Niel Youngs last album was depressing mostly because he's still haunted by Bruce Berry

 

I'm going to try to send you a PM in a sec. Please look for it.

 

I've always wanted to just fill a backpack with supplies, take a sleeping bag and start walking in whichever direction, see where I end up. Getting lost should be a good experience.

My girlfriend is in America until mid 2016. She wants to come back and immediately buy a small house and settle.

I might not have mentioned this, but I stopped working the same day my girlfriend flew overseas. Don't really see a point in making money if it isn't for her - I've never really cared about money. I just need 5$/week for weed and I'm all good. If I get more money, I know I will spend it on other drugs. If my girlfriend comes back and I'm addicted to hard drugs, it'll be over between us for sure (she doesn't mind me taking acid/mushrooms/weed). I feel safer without money - right now, I don't need money.


I saw you posted again - must have been a horrible experience seeing your girlfriend - the person you love most - lose her life because of an addiction.
If I were you I would have hated addictive drugs as well.

Will you please elaborate on why you think I might be schizophrenic? Really interested in this.

Also, why do you deem traveling (or change of scenery) so important?


Thanks for dropping the kind words and advice.

 

I don't think you sound schizophrenic, just sounds like you have very severe social anxiety.

you know what you should try? Meditation. It wont be a quick solution but once you really learn how to meditate it will work wonders to help you live more in the moment so you're not constantly analyzing your thoughts and social interactions.

 

That's exactly what I do - analyze my thoughts and social interactions. So I can conclude that quite a bit of my anxiety is caused by social situations. That can be avoided.

I've tried meditation before, but I didn't fully understand it, and I was much too impatient. Wouldn't it be great if you could just erase your memory of the past?

I also realized that there are some things that have been bothering me (thought I haven't consciously been aware of them). I'd assumed my parents are actively disappointed in me (they have good reason to be). My mother came to me today and we started talking. The conversation almost immediately turned into both of us crying. She told me how worried they were about me - so I asked her why. She said it was because I'm always alone, I refuse to spend any time with them, and I'm clearly very unhappy. She also told me that they weren't disappointed in me (which is obviously a lie), and that they just wanted to help me be normal.

Then I started thinking - do I really want to be normal? Normal life seems about just as depressing as my life - spending almost all your time doing something you hate? In my opinion, or at least generally in third world countries, the amount of money you get is simply not worth spending 9-12 hours of your day for. I'm always thinking about what I'd think if I was 60 years old, looking back on my life. I don't want to say "Oh shit, I spent almost all my time doing something I hate."

If I wasn't working, though, how would I eventually be able to survive? I'd previously thought about living on the streets, since I see many homeless people that are clearly enjoying life more than I am. Then I saw someone getting stabbed for what amounts to 25$. Saw someone get beat half to death with the wooden shaft of a pickaxe because he didn't want to hand over his phone. I am not a violent person, and I would not be able to defend myself. I'd also need food, but that would be difficult to obtain with hundreds of other people panhandling and looting trash cans. It's something I'd like to try for maybe a week, but I couldn't do it permanently.

I got lucky, though - when my grandfather died, I inherited a share of a farm. It already has an old, run down house on it. I can live there for free and simply grow my own veggies and breed my own sheep. I wouldn't have to worry about society at all. I know it's a lot harder than it sounds, but I'm completely up for the challenge. It should be really peaceful, too. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have any anxiety issues there. One downside is that I'd have to sell some of my sheep to be able to buy clothes and such (there's no way I'd be able to make my own). Also, the house wouldn't really be mine, but none of the other people who inherited shares even care about the farm, so I should be all good.
Seems well worth it to me.

I know I've been saying I prefer being alone, and for the most part that's true. I'd need my girlfriend to come with me, though. I'm not willing to sacrifice our relationship to live there; so if she doesn't want to, I'd have to give up the idea. The good news is that I can go there whenever I want. I can move there tomorrow if I want. I'll be waiting for my girlfriend to get back from America before I move, of course.

Prescription pills / anti-depressants aren't helping me, and drugs only temporarily mask the depression - maybe being somewhat isolated in nature could be the real cure. Notrick mentioned that a change of scenery could be all I need.

I visited the 'home' for old people, but couldn't really enjoy it because I was coming down off meth. I only stayed for about an hour and a half. Kind of disappointed in myself for that, but hey, at least I did it.


I'd just like to thank everyone who posted in my thread. I really need the support, and you guys have been helping (a lot) more than you think.


UPDATE: Talked to my girlfriend, and she immediately said yes. She actually loved the idea (didn't expect that!)

 

Therapy actually can help. Try telling your therapist that you have a feeling things aren't going to work out. That should get the ball rolling in the right direction rather than the wrong way. Maybe you can get the therapist to talk to your parents. I've found that parents can be really helpful too. But it might be too soon for that, as you've said they are disappointed.

My personal opinion? There's nothing wrong with taking a little time away from school to regroup. If nothing else you can go back again later. Don't take so many classes! Ask for help when you need it, whether it's for your course material or your family issue. You can do it it's just a lot of stuff!

 

I believe you dont suffer any affliction

Post #30 especially gives it all away

So your not that great in social settings, because basically you grew up on a farm

You've mentioned your girlfriend about 50 times, not all that instable if you've already been in an LTR for some years

Therapists are bottom feeders and so are your parents,for if you are not like this there is no one else that needs them. Where is all the money for these 'treatments' coming from

Seriously, what if there isnt anything wrong with you, except being as ordinary as everyone else? You said it yourself, plenty to live for just not the motivation. The motivation to be extra-ordinary

 

Just a quick thought:

Some antidepressants actually cause suicidal thoughts, which makes no sense to me. A person is depressed so they prescribe a drug that makes suicide an option. But, I am totally ANTI big pharma... so I must admit a bit of bias here.

To me, you sound more listless than depressed. You miss your girlfriend. You have no sense of purpose or direction. Not really the same thing as truly depressed. But, I don't walk in your flipflops so I can only go by what you've typed.

I wish you peace and joy.

 

Depression is a frame of mind. The mind is like a cassette player that keeps playing whatever tape you have in there. Take out the bummed out cassette, and put in a happy cassette. Don't sit around and think about how bummed out you are, get out and play play play. Happiness is a frame of mind also. Once you learn to fill your mind with happy thoughts, you'll feel a lot better. I've been there and done that. Being bummed out is a drag. And most therapists are more fucked up than you are. All they do is sit around and listen to bummer stories all day. That'll fuck up anyone.

 

I agree with you. I actually feel so much better now that I know what I'm going to do. I had no sense of direction, and I guess I was somewhat scared and overwhelmed. Gave up on meds, they won't solve anything for me.

Living with my girlfriend on a farm, surrounded by nature at all times, far enough away from society... I think I can be happy there.

Thanks for your post

 

You're definitely right, but I think for some people it's harder to replace the cassette. Like you said, you have to learn to fill your mind with happy thoughts. It's not something that everyone can just do, they have to figure out how. That's where I'm at right now - I know it can be done, and I feel confident that I'll be able to do it when I move to the farm. It's something I've always wanted to do, but never saw it as a viable option. Now, it will become a reality.
I sit around and think about how bummed out I am all the time - that's why I was trying to 'escape'. I guess you could say I was trying to lower the volume instead of changing the cassette.

Thank you for your input!

 

I don't believe there is anything physically or mentally wrong with me; but there's definitely something wrong with the way I think. I just need to learn to stay positive instead of constantly focusing on whatever is negative at the time. I should appreciate my LTR more than I do - it's been a lifesaver.

The original reason I went to a psychiatrist was because my parents asked me to. With the psychiatrist, it's more like 'I need meds for this', and she gives me the meds. I barely 'talk' to her. It was just to obtain medication - might as well have tried it, right? Nothing to lose (except money) and everything to gain.

While I was working, I paid for the psychiatrist appointments. Really fucked up my bankroll, but at that time, my reasoning was that happiness was worth a lot more than any amount of money. I thought it was a real possibility that medication alone could make me happy, which was obviously very stupid of me. When I stopped working, I had one more appointment which my parents paid for. They don't mind, they have more than enough money not to care about the costs - but it makes me feel like a leech. I still feel like a leech. Somehow, someday, I'll make up for it, though.

Just for the record, I didn't grow up on a farm. I might have mistyped something over there.

 

If you think it will be hard....it probably will be. you are what you think.

 

I won't be seeing a therapist - I don't think it will help me. I stopped studying because I was a lazy, ungrateful, unhappy prick. I missed almost half my classes - it starts out with me being lazy for a few days. Then I go back, realize "Oh shit, I have no idea what's going on." The more I skipped classes, the harder it became to actually go. I was so afraid of being judged by classmates, when in reality I shouldn't even have cared. None of them were my friends anyway. I should just have cared less about what other people think.

 

It definitely hasn't been easy for me, but I've been trying. I will eventually accomplish it.
I know that the only thing making it hard for me, is me.