Divorce

My parents divorced this year, and even though I'm 21 and my own person/legally an adult, it truly shattered my life view. Maybe I'll explain later in the thread of my own expeirences,

But if 50% of marriages end in divorce, it's certainly a relatable topic.

How do you think divorce effects a family? (despite the role you play, I want to know your experience)

 

Divorce affects a family by giving the children the opportunity to know their parents as better people than they could ever be while unhappily married.

 

Or they could get to know their mom as a still-unhappy, jealous, vindictive, insecure, constantly shit-talking bitch who just happens to not be married to me anymore...thankfully. (and those are pretty much my sons words...not mine although I don't disagree).

 

My parents separated when I was still quite young. They are still technically married, but are legally separated due to the time apart. They just haven't dealt with it. My step-dad has been super cool about it and even invites my dad up to fish in their pond and gives him a portion of the venison he hunts. It was an extremely nasty break-up, and it took decades to get to this point. If this was an amicable decision on the part of both of your parents, and if they are still on relatively good terms, you should count yourself extremely lucky. You all are still a family, no matter what. It takes far more courage in that situation to admit that you're not happy and part ways than it does to stay to keep everyone happy and comfortable.

I remember when my mom told me they were going to get a divorce. One night she put me in the car and drove me around explaining that it was going to happen. I was 8 or 9ish at the time. I remember crying and being resistant to it, but I can't remember why. I don't have too many happy memories from when they were together. They fought a couple of times, but the majority of it was passive-aggressive and coldness and to this day, when someone ices me out, it fills me with anxiety and dread. I would rather someone scream at me, honestly. I want someone who will talk to me and fight with me. I find that far healthier.

My faith in marriage has been shaken. I remember saying I wouldn't get married till I was 90. Then I got engaged at 23... And freaked out before I reached the altar and broke off the relationship because I realized I had picked someone who was safe and practical rather than someone whom I was actually in love with. I rebounded with a sexy, narcissistic musician who started out treating me like I was his muse and then turned into a cold, passive-aggressive, manipulative nightmare, just like my father. I recognized the way I acted as the same way my mother did when she scrambled to save the relationship. I took the hint and ended it.

I'd be lying if I said my parents' separation hasn't affected me negatively, but if it hadn't happened, I may not have had the sense to get out of either relationship while I still had half of my sanity. Of course, who's to say it didn't also get me INTO those situations... I think it's impossible to tell, really. You just can't obsess over it.

This may shake your foundation and cause you to re-evaluate things, but maybe happening so late in life is better than when you are young and impressionable.

I'm not trying to feed you a bunch of "you should feel lucky" BS... It still sucks and I'm very very sorry you're going through it. Just know that even though marriage has literally become a coin toss, it doesn't mean you won't succeed, and it doesn't mean it's a waste of time or that nothing was real if it fails. Even a failed relationship is a step to success, not a reflection of failure in yourself. You learn from each person. You try and that's all you can do. I'm sure your parents did not approach this decision lightly and that it was something they took quite a while to work out between them. Trust them. They are people with their own needs and wants and desires, and they should honor them as you should honor yours.

 

Yeah, that happens too. Kids hear what you say to them, but they learn what you show them -- so it's good that you're not showing yours that a married person's role is to eat all of the shit his or her spouse cares to throw. That was the lesson I got from my own parents, who were together until my father croaked off last year, and it took me a painful long time to unlearn it.

 

I think change is the main difficulty encountered by a family going through divorce. In saying that, divorce has little or nothing to do with the kids thinking of their own path in regards to marriage or the parents thinking of how love is finished for them. I'm sure those thoughts do circle around each member of the family, but no real difficulty comes from it. It's just passing thoughts. It's thoughts we commonly see on shows and movies that convey divorce, because most people understand that, even if they never encountered it. It's like getting a cut, thinking it hurts, and someone who doesn't have the cut knowing it hurts. We get that. We all get that. But, that's not the challenge. The feelings of apprehension, abandonment, uncertainty, anger, lost (oh, so much lost)... I think all comes from the change that lays in divorce and I think that's where the difficulty comes from. It doesn't even have to be a negative change, such as thinking that holiday get-togethers will change from something warmhearted to something vindictive. I highly doubt most families think like that, anyways because we believe highly in our families and most people know it's easier to have faith than to be hopeless. It takes less of our energy. So, I don't think it's about that. It's simply going to that first, second, third holiday get-together, while not knowing what will happen and what is everyone's place within that setting. All we know is something will change, which is not a comforting thing to know and only to know.

Of course, talking, laying out the groundwork, so they're won't be any surprises or many surprises... helps, but it's still something we're not used to and we dread getting used to. We're used to something else, and that something else is not itself anymore.

I think the greatest challenge of divorce is lost. Lost of love, lost of control, love of routine, lost of time, lost of hope, lost of memories... happy memories that deserve not to be lost.

And the question of who has it worse; kids, adults, or parents? None of us trust change, and some of us downright dislike it. I doubt anyone hates it, though. Again, it takes too much effort to hate and be that negative. By the way, change as far as relationships go. I know some people love change in their settings and whatnot, but this is about changes in people, interactions, and relations. Anyways, change... suck... yea... we get it. But, the human condition is resilient no matter the age or role, so we always get used to it. We always work around it. We always adapt to it. But, the transition does go more smoothly if we or others aren't kicking and screaming during these changes. Instead we go into the unknown with our heads kind of held up high, at least at eye level. And we help those we see kicking and screaming, we help them up, console them, and walk into the unknown together.

 

This is true and our divorce was pretty tough on the kids. But it never should have been that way, it didn't have to be that way and I didn't want it to be that way. We got divorced because she wouldn't stop cheating on me.

I actually typed out a bunch of details but it got so long that I deleted it all. Short version...I tried to play nice for the sake of the kids. I ultimately ended up with the house, business and custody of the kids but she and her family always had access to them anytime they wanted because I thought it was important for the kids to grow up with all of their family in their lives regularly...not half of their family. I tried to get along with all of them for the sake of the kids.

Her life after the divorce did not go anywhere near how she expected. My life went just fine. She married a guy who was an asshole and used to knock her around back then and they have struggled financially for most of the time that they've been together. I married a very attractive, intellegent woman who people love being around (who coincidentally was a friend of mine for years and my ex hated her) and we live a fairly nice life together.

So my ex hates me and my wife, she is jealous to no end and is mad at herself for blowing what she had when she was with me. My kids have told me that. She spent years making every issue in their lives as bad as it could be in their own minds so she could ride in on a white horse and make it all better for them. She is constantly trashing my wife and I (again...kids told me). She's the kind of person who told the kids (when they were maybe 13-14) that they could swear in her house as long as they were swearing about me and my wife. She consistently refers to my wife as "that slant-eyed whore" in front of the kids. She's tried to convince them that I'm some kind of abuser, etc. etc. etc. The list goes on and on.

That kind of shit affects kids and me playing that game would have only made it worse for them. I tried to never say anything bad about her. I just let them see both of us and judge for themselves. Now that they are older, they understand exactly how it all went and how each person behaved. It's very clear to them and they aren't very happy with their mom about it.

The last time I really addressed any of this was a few years ago when my youngest son was about 16. She was saying all kinds of things about me and my oldest son told me about it. I sat down with my youngest and told him "I don't have to defend myself against things like this and I won't. You know me as well as anyone. If someone tells you the sky isn't blue....you can simply look at the sky with your own eyes and see that it is. You know what's true about me and what isn't. I trust you to decide for yourself."

I think that conversation really threw a wrench into the effectiveness of her shit-talking. But it's too bad that they had to grow up like that. She put her ego before her children.

 

not to get too heavy, but the night before my dad died I was wishing my parents would get a divorce. So while I can't really relate to being a product of divorce and therefore can't really understand, I've always been of the mindset that it isn't the worst thing that could happen. I guess it depends on if you are the product of a happy home or if your parents being together was so unhappy that divorce would be a relief.

 

It's certainly more complicated when there are children involved.

I second what Meliai said. It stinks, but it isn't the worst thing that could happen.

 

i would think the effect is very different in each family. you can't really generalize the effect of a divorce any more than you can generalize that all girls in turkey are conceited.

 

I think this is a very interesting thread and as you can see so far everyone's experiences are unique and their own. I want to be sensitive in my response because my parents married and I have faith they will be together forever, however my husband also best friends parents have had divorces and it has shown me a couple responses to divorce. With my best friend her parents divorced when we were 7 and at the time I think the reaction was relief because they argued a lot. However, as she has gotten older her ability to trust and have healthy relationships has been affected and she believes that the divorce and way she was raised because of the divorce impacts that. My husbands parents were married for a short period of time and again the divorce was inevitable and he was too young to really remember it. However, his parents were fairly vocal in their dislike towards one another throughout his childhood which often left him feeling like he was in the middle. His response to how the divorce affected him was a strong belief in love, family, and relationships because he wanted to be different than his parents and not be another divorce statistic. Divorce is hard and how it impacts you might not be clear right away so just be aware of that and if you notice some repercussions from it in your life try to take it head on and work through it rather than suppressing it.

 

I've known a few friends who went through this all with different attitudes and outcomes.
I think it all depends on your age at the time. Friends who's folk were separated early seemed to take it a lot better but those who have it happen later in life take it a lot harder.
But I believe it depends on the circumstances. Sure you want your folks to stay together, but what if they only stay together because of the child? Now that's unfair on that marriage, and how must the child feel to learn their folks were miserable at the cost of themselves?

I think at 21 you've had a gf or two so you've already broken up and experienced that part of life and it's true most kids think their folks are like superheroes and don't realize that they themselves are just as human you are, so it's more than likely most married couples have their moments and are just as unhappy as their kids are in their own lives.

I have friends who really enjoy the separation. Some friends had a really difficult time with it especially when one has an affair. I don't know. It's all life, that's what you gotta remember. That life experience doesn't stop because you get married. People change and who we were 10 years ago isn't applicable anymore as we change our values and sense of the world.

Maybe it's tough for some to embrace, but you gotta move on.

 

Divorce is a difficult concept for me to wrap my head around, I guess because want little exposure I have has always been second-hand. My wife and I will celebrate our 36th anniversary married next month and have been together a total of 38 1/2 years (that includes initial dating and a two-year engagement.) We still love each other as much today as we did when I proposed to her in 1977. Both my parents and hers stayed together until they died. OTOH, both my sister and my sister-in-law have been through divorces (two in my sister's case), but that's as close as it comes. Few of our friends have ever been through divorces. Consequently, all I know of divorce is what other folks (like those in this forum thread) tell me. It's like taking a class on the subject. You learn about it from an abstract point-of-view, but there's no emotional component.

I guess I should be grateful.

 

I honestly believe if the statistic is 50% marriage failure then the idea of marriage in this day is a complete sham. It's also embarrassing being engaged myself and having to look at that statistic. On the bright side our wedding won't be that glam spectacle that everyone comes and enjoys because everyone won't be invited.

I think though that our relationship is mature enough to last. We've been together a long time, worked out our little differences and we remain very strong together. No shred of a problem for over a decade. So I think we've qualified for marriage.

I never get these couples who get married after a few months. Like, who wven does that? How can you learn all you can learn about a person in a few months? Chances are you couldn't even fart in front of each other for half that.

 

I really appreciate your point of view on this. I love the position you're in and I'm not being a smartass. For me....going through my divorce was easily the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. I've been poor, I've been homeless, I know what it means to feel nearly hopeless. But to overcome all of that...only to have someone you love so much just dismiss you....that was a new low for me. That hurt in ways that I never imagined but....that being said....looking back....it was still probably the best thing that ever happened to me. I often quote a song lyric..."Once in a while you can get shown the light, in the strangest places, if you look at it right".