Ancient One, of bearded moss, coils to curl these python boughs; lichen-scale flair blends barkenly, as hoary canopy glistens in sprawl. Light and glossy, coats the rain. prancing droplets, fleet of feet, nimbly skip in rind rivulets; down and over, in and around. Slow to listen and most reticent, speaking thunder by grumbling clumpy; further gloom by wind howled leaves and a final cast of red glow witch-wild. Effervescence returns, wry sprite of hills, 'We age the same,' she says in passing. 'Yet I of restless spirit fly. Why stop, should I, by such as you?' 'Naughty, vile siren!' He rumbles. 'Be gone with you. Who shall harbor you hence, as you awaken within?'
Thank you, I appreciate your positive feedback. I'm glad you enjoyed it... just wrote it tonight so it is a rough draft I appreciate any comments.
Ok, well, to start, is "barkenly" a word? Lol, it sounds made up, though it does work pretty well. How does one "grumble clumpy"? And the last line of the 4th stanza doesn't make sense to me. What do you mean "Why stop, should I, by such as you"? Are you having the wood nymph ask "Why should I stop and be like you"? And in the 2nd stanza, are the drops running over down, and in this "ancient one"? It's kind of a jump, you go from describing the ancient one, then there's these light droplets, then you're describing him again. Kind of disorienting. Not major problems, I still love it. Just a bit of confusion on my part, i think it's the style of the wording of it that I'm not used to.
/Ok, well, to start, is "barkenly" a word? Lol, it sounds made up, though it does work pretty well./ barkenly, is most certainly made up /How does one "grumble clumpy"?/ thats when those way down, thick roots, get so into the grumbling they start to vibrate thick clumps of earth /And the last line of the 4th stanza doesn't make sense to me. What do you mean "Why stop, should I, by such as you"? Are you having the wood nymph ask "Why should I stop and be like you"?/ well, she is saying offhand 'Why should spend my time talking with you?' /And in the 2nd stanza, are the drops running over down, and in this "ancient one"? It's kind of a jump, you go from describing the ancient one, then there's these light droplets, then you're describing him again. Kind of disorienting./ the evocation was to simulate rain... should i work on it? it ties with the glistening adjective above. when picturing 'in' i was seeing snaking rivulets in the bark valleys. perhaps it should be fleshed out... wanted to keep it as light and yin as possible. /Not major problems, I still love it. Just a bit of confusion on my part, i think it's the style of the wording of it that I'm not used to./ Thank you so much for your time and efforts. I hope this clarified a bit and please let me know which revisions you feel would sharpen the essence.
I figured you meant rain, i just felt the stanza was sitting there on it's own, it doesn't feel tied in. Wether you want to work on it is up to you of course. We poets can be stubborn ones.
What do you think of the changes to the 2nd stanza? Do you feel other stanzas are unclear (still) or unconnected?
a very solid piece of work here, sylvan! Very lively, executed with fantastic wording... I loved the stanza above, as well as the changes you made on the 2nd stanza (I did read this when you first posted, just haven't been too poetically analytical lately)
Thank you fulmah. I appreciate your comments, you share so much with so many... time outs are a must.
An echo. But which is the echo? Would we waste our time trying to trace it to a source, only to find their is no source? And yet if we find no source, how can we know that there is none? Hm. An echo, indeed. She thinks she flies, and that you are grounded, but is she not prey to the illusory nature of her vibration? And how contigent is her sensation of flying upon the intermixture of the vibration he emanates from his own Earthy position. Hm. I can taste the swirl. Lovely. eMBeMLaHV!
An echo of Harbor, midst the storm... kind Sir, certainly sourceless as infinite is now. Present again, anew
When at some distance from the multitude, the old man turned slowly round, displaying a face of antique majesty, rendered doubly venerable by the hoary beard that descended on his breast.
