Mother Issues.

The therapy advice is good. The main thing is for you to go to therapy, not her. It sounds like she has messed up your head for so long, and to such a degree, that you don't even realize how screwed over you have been.

I wouldn't expect her to change. She's used to being controlling and abusive. Probably the best thing to do is for you to cut her out of your life.

I recommend that you see a male therapist. Females have a tendency to take the perspective of other females when hearing about male/female conflict. You may need to shop around to find a therapist who is a good match for you.

 

Ill take "Satan is living in the kitchen" for $200 Alex..

yeap, before you know it, she will have left the house she was living in because it spooks her, ya know dads ghost and all. moves into your place, be living in your kitchen.. Your kitchen will become a bathroom, your bathroom will have become handicap railing rec center that skateboarders would droll over, your utilities will skyrocket because she like to play with thermostat, your furnace will break because shes hot and then cold, blocking vents with pillows making furnace overheat, she will cry all night and day about being cold when the living room is 92F. but she insists on living in the 50F kitchen/bathroom. she will set things on fire in your kitchen and cook things dropping sugar all over the floor drawling in fire ants. she will complain about her bonniville breaking down when spending most her retirement at the casino and racetrack . and when they win .. they wont replace the dishwasher they broke, or the tile they cracked in the kitchen or pay for paint to cover their food splatted grease in your kitchen.. they will break the doors ans drawers of you kitchen cabinets opening and closing and slamming with retardedness and they will dig thru the trash to make sure you are not sending them away to a old folks high rise..

 

Families are complicated relationships. When a child becomes and adult there is an adjustment or shift that happens and in a healthy familial dynamic there is bitter sweet on the part of the parent. There is pride in the accomplishments and growth but there is a little spot that will always view that grown child as still a child.

Therapy is a good step even if only for you to help you sort where you are and where you want to go with your parent in the future. There is also a responsibility on you to draw some lines and that can be done if you are sure of the ones you want to draw and what motivates you in the dynamic.

There will come a time when the parent is no longer there and it would be a shame if you regret not having some relationship with them. The sign of maturity is knowing relationships change and that you also play a part in how they function.

Not easy and I wish you the best with all of this.

 

chloroform is your friend...... ;l

 

Not necessarily. Bottom line, you can't control anyone but yourself. No matter what you try, the behavior of other people may remain unacceptable.

It's great when adult children can have good relationships with their parents, but you don't really owe them anything, if they won't do their part to make it work. You didn't choose to be born, and you didn't choose your parents.

Sometimes a plain old pillow will get the job done, and attracts less suspicion.

Damn it, now I can't use that one, because I've mentioned it online.

 

Are you still dependent on your mother? If not, I would second the advice of others and distance yourself from her. If she pulls any of that manipulative crap, just ignore it as best you can. Don't get into fights, don't let her know it bothers you (even if it does). It sounds like you have let her know she bothers you in the past, and it hasn't done much good. Since you are an adult, you have the right to have a relationship with her on your own terms, or not at all. It doesn't sound like her relationship with you is doing you any favors.

Just try your best to let go, and don't let this bad relationship define you. Cliche, but I think it's valid.

 

I feel ya Tony. I really do. We are quite similar here but a bit different at the same time. It wasn't until recently really that I understood what my mother may have done to me as a child. Nothing bad or anything physically, though I've always been a distant person and I really believe that now approaching 30 years old I can attribute many of my personality problems directly to the blame of my mother.

I've never begin to reach out to her about it, maybe she doesn't even remember but it's the little things I remember like being taken away from my dad during divorce and having to stay with my Mum who only sent me out of the house. I never understood it at the time but now it daunts me, why the fuck take me away from my dad if she never wanted to spend time with me?

She of course took me on weekends and it was away from my friends and school buddies. I had no one to grow up with other than her and a few cousins. As we grew up and into teens and naturally away from one another it left me with really nobody to socialize with on the weekends and naturally I took to PC and gaming and the Internet to pass the time. Outraged she was at it all "he's only wasting his time on those things" but what the fuck? Now I'm left with someone that really doesn't want to spend time with me and I'm getting harassed for the activities I actually enjoy.

I played sport every week and got to socialize with sports friends for a couple of hours on a Saturday. She pushed me into cricket which I loathed and never understood why she'd make me do that when I hated the sport so much. Well if you know cricket, it's several hours on an oval and with "things to do" it was an easy way to push me away for a few more hours.

Then there's my personality. Now get this, I'm quite anti social. The only thing I really knew about divorce at the time was my two parents fuckin' hated one another. All I remember when she used to pick me up on weekends was "go to the car for a minute" and I'd hear the yelling from inside.

So she hated him, he hated her and all my life I heard "it ain't worth it" from my dad as he'd gone through 3 marriages by this stage and from my mother nothing short of atrocious stories about dad all my life. So I grew up with that mentality I guess and like my dad who I learned I was starting to grow into like we do, I must be a **** of a kid and my own mother doesn't spend time with me and to hell with women too, they're not worth it.

Guess who grew up shy and deadly afraid of women? Ya.

I could go and on but I've been typing this for a few hours now and can't remember what I was trying to say or where I really was in saying it so I'll leave it for now. Mother issues here too. She doesn't know I feel this way at all, I doubt she even knows I can recall early childhood memories like these.

We have a great relationship really, better than most people I know, I love my parents etc. just I feel a tad ripped off in life and I have a list of emotional and personal problems that I can add up and believe that childhood experiences may have really shaped who/what I am today.

No qualms though, really. Anyway that's my rant.
Mothers! Who need 'em!

 

again thank you for the advice.

 

Oops...you were joking and meant the chloroform for Tony to use, right?


and you were joking right....why the hell would I advocate hurting a mom of someone's that I do not even know. I was the one here advocatating peace between the two of them.

 

gotta wonder what smeone who bashes his mom on a pulic forum and encourages others to do it, too, do to you, no?
geting something off your chest isone thing, but fuck holy crap to this shit. I am out.

 

i

actually i didnt bash her. i asked for help in understand what is a diffcult subject. i am not perfect no/ but i would never do what you have just done.

 

what?....speak my mind? oh, you have plenty of times. do not play mr. innocent.

 

whatever.

 

ok i am gonna speak my mind. not today as i am to tired but i will

 

I still wish you and your mother all of the best......hope you work it out with her.....or take everyolne else's advice....your choice.....but I am very sad it all came to this.
i tried to help....and i can do without your threats both publicly and privately, as well.

 

peace to you
hope you find your peace of mind....
do not wish you bad
hope you sort it all out
take care

 

Sorry but FUCK OFF

 

She's a manipulator.

It's contagious and hereditary, but you see it and see that it's a problem, so you're potentially in a fine spot yourself.

Bear in mind that even good people can have very bad personality traits. A bit deeper than that, many of us love people who are not good people, who cannot be trusted or reasoned or worked with. A bit deeper still, bear in mind that this describes us all to a degree, some natural coping mechanisms are very insidious, and they are borne of stressors, opposition, trials, oppression, and the like, when such situations are handled in an incomplete or incorrect way.

Think of it like this: when bad shit happens, if you handle it incorrectly, you end up with toxic baggage bits floating around - this sort of manipulation and abuse is the appearance of an approach to problems that is sort of like like scar tissue, it contains the damage and deflects more at all costs - the net result can be trading your humanity and value to protect yourself from harms long since gone.

I don't know where I'm going with this (other than to bed in a few seconds), but my point is watch out, you've been around all that type of thinking, it's healthy to examine yourself and your actions and thoughts (to a degree, of course) and make corrections as you see fit. Process is very important, bad or hard events are not a single action, they're something that you keep revisiting and working to handle, and that's okay and healthy - resolving things too fast often means you're not resolving it, and if it's not resolved, it's piling up somewhere, waiting to nudge your behavior in directions you may not like.

None of this means cut your mom out, or anything like that. It's a catch 22, where you have to be okay to get okay, or to even realize that you were not okay. Infuriating as it can be, the only way to handle that sort of thing is firmly but gently opposing it, and trying to explain yourself gently, but without getting dragged down into an argument, as they inevitably defend against what they see as a personal attack on their value.

 

thank you this makes a lot of sense to me. thank you so much. yeah i seem to attack really toxic people. i don't know why.