Friends and family guilt tripping me out of suicide?

I did. And for those that didn’t, then fuck what they say. Who cares about them?

You’re not whining. You’re expressing your issues. Big difference.

sadly, they need to see it. Unless they see it they won’t believe. Even that doesn’t help sometimes, but people are so stupid about this, until they have been there, they will never understand. It’s not a matter of sympathy, but empathy. Sympathy they just feels sorry for you. Empathy is “Bro, I hear ya. I’ve been there and I could/will be there again.”

I never said you’re a pussy, nor will I.

Accupuncture works wonders, it really does. I strongly suggest that you try it. If you get a good one, I think your pain issues will be resolved. BTDT. As for the chiro practors, if they really know how to do their job, they won’t be scared. They may have issues and concerns, but they’ll know how to address them or who to go to for advise if they can’t.

Damn! I wish I could get me some legal pills....

Actually, yes you just might. Better, maybe and maybe not. More affordable, certainly. But you’ll find that more often than not in the second and third world countries they don’t push pills anywhere near as much as first world nations and superpowers.

Let me tell you a little bit about myself Danny- I have been in a number of accidents. To date (and this will identify me to those in the community in which I live or those that know me personally), I have four Traumatic Brain Injuries (2-severe, 1-serious, 1-moderate); my hips are fucked up (I forget what the doctor called it); both of my knees are fucked up (making worse the injuries I got when I was in the army); and both my neck and back have herniations- literally so man that I start to lose count. Everyday I wake my up hill battle begins. Pain is 24/7, unless I can get some oxycodone, and that wipes out the pain. Because of the TBIs PTSD is present, and will be for the rest of my life. And because of the TBIs the use of medications is advised against. Somedays the pain is so bad I cannot get out of bed. Sometimes I can stand there and go through so much pain, it makes me cry.

Death will relieve the pain, but too many people would be overjoyed by my passing that just by me staying alive makes the world a better place. If it inconveniences them, then I’m all for staying alive!

That will emotionally hurt her. But if she truly cares about you, your issues with pain should be paramount to her emotional distress. If my son was having these problems, I’d tell him it’s his life, he has to live it. I can’t live it for him, nor can your mom do it for you Danny.

In the end Danny, don’t judge everybody because of a few fucks that have no idea what you’re going through. Do it like me, just pray they don’t find out first hand themselves.

It’s your life, what you do with it is your call.

 

Remember- killing yourself is not a promise that things won't get worse...
....but it IS a promise things will never get better.

 

It's been a loong time! Holy cow! I'm still around! Been up to all kinds of crazy stuff and months just slipped by. I just had to take a break from forums for a while and didn't even know it. Life just took over!

Logan 5, Your description of your injuries so closely matches mine that I'm wondering if you are an alt that I created to cheer myself up when I was up for days in a row in pain and out of my mind, Fight Club style! lol... Just kidding....but the thought did occur. One silver lining of the neck pain is that my shoulders, hips, and knees, which are totally destroyed and used to be a constant source of mild pain have actually turned into some type of relief when a cloud appears in the distance and they flare up because somehow, the mild pain takes some of the focus off of the neck pain. It's weird to think of it that way but it works!

It also just occurred(reoccurred?--I'm starting to question how much I lost in the stroke!) to me in the last six months that based upon all of my fall/crash near death/obe experiences and regular old concussions, I'm definitely dealing with TBI as well. Now that I know that, it helps me not be as hard on myself for almost failing, trying to deal with the ol brain. It helps me recognize when I'm being irrational because of TBI symptoms, etc. It's definitely helping me recover and grow!

All of you guys are sooo amazing! I can't thank you enough for your kind words and thoughts! I want to respond to you all and will asap.

At some point, I decided that since I was beginning a new, healing and growing phase of life and committing to escaping consumerism and structural violence/debt slavery, whatever you want to call it, that I should change my name. I've firmly decided upon and successfully adopted in meatspace, Ernesto Apocaloptimisto, or Ernie if Ernesto is too much of a mouthful. A few different, totally unrelated and unconnected groups of coworkers have started calling me Ernesto over the years and I kind of liked it.

"El Que" could be a funny nickname too because ?Que???? or what??? is usually the first response to my last name. The name means that I am and always will be excited about what people that are dependent upon the system will call the "Apocalypse", which will be them having to go outside and grow their own food because their tv's quit and their paychecks all of a sudden aren't worth anything...lol However it goes down, I know that it will be a beautiful rebirth of civilization in the end, whether we start from scratch as star dust, or make a smooth transition and refoodforest Earth CampExist style.

It's weird reading this thread because the thoughts I expressed here are still around on a daily basis but they're like a whisper here and there, barely audible, and I laugh at them and move on, or take a nap. My neck is still a wreck but I think I've figured out some things to manage it. I haven't had any more really bad blood pressure issues or strokes and have been being progressively more active. Headaches are a middle to the end of the days thing if I don't push it, which is a giant improvement over headaches for weeks or months at a time!

I'll definitely share more soon but here are a few quick updates:

Drove the chase truck/wrenched for another Mexican 1000 and we got 1st in class again on the 1971 SL350.

I spent a month at a nudist hot springs resort, which was amazing on many levels. While there I started writing a book, which I've completed 64 pages of. Then I wrote outlines and short stories for the next three books in the series.

They will be:
Apocaloptimisto: Semi autobiographical. What would drive someone to want to give up money and live in a sustainable tiny rv in a permaculture campground? Is insanity involved? If so, how much?

EnviroPosiTech: Goes into the future and follows a collaborative, open source collective of green tech inventors that develop sustainable ways to live and build a DNA/seed bank and escape settlement off of Earth.

Futile: Life in the escape settlement and the natural progression that humanity likes to repeat so much...but in a new light.

Dust: The rediscovery of the value of and methods of stewarding life and rebirth of a sustainable civilization.


I've met all kinds of new friends and they're all really neat people.

Found a drummer and bass player to get a band going with.

The main focus and goal for the next few months:
I designed an amphibious, solar/pedal electric, hemp cloth/super sap resin skinned, bamboo framed, camper trike and have rounded up more than half of the supplies needed to build it. The plan is to build it, document it, release it open source, live in it, and tour around teaching others how to build their own if they want to, as well as teaching permaculture and everything off grid and sustainable. I should have the campexist.org site back up soon but https://www.************/campexist has the most recent info and ideas on it! I also made a forum here but no one's registered yet so I haven't been very active on it either: https://muut.com/campexist

The only other news is that I might try to get to the gathering in utah. Need some community and 1998 was the last one I made it to so...it's time. If anyone from anywhere between Phoenix and Salt Lake needs a ride and has some gas money, I've got an RV so hit me up!

I've been up all night with a headache but I finally smoked enough weed to cause a pink floating cloud that said "hiiippppffooorruummmsss" to drift through the room as I wondered if I had completed my internet tasks because I realized I was about to pass out.

Love you guys!

 

I guess this thread can be closed!

Summary: There was a big part of me that was torturing me and threatening my physical existence. I thought it had been through hell and back and was indestructible and it was beating me down. I was able to get control of it though! Luckily, there was a little part of me that was tiny and seemingly not very influential but it was able to keep me around through some pretty terrible times. I think that part is the love that a person knows, despite all the bullshit, that their friends, family, and even forum buddies have for them. Just a guess???

DannyD did die a few months ago but Ernesto is here to pick up the pieces and continue riding the spiral.

I won't be posting here as DannyD again. I read the name change policy so I'm registering my new name and will put updates in the proper thread! http://www.hipforums.com/newforums/showthread.php?t=475531

Thank you all again sooooo much!!:sunny:

 

Glad to hear you're doing well!! Good luck with everything! <3

 

Wow.... I was reading along this whole thread (and had some advice for some other alternative therapies that people hadn't mentioned btw, if you are ever still interested-I'll check the other thread), and I kept thinking "this was a year ago... I wonder if this guy's still around and is he okay and all?"

And then I got to your new posts. Glad to see you are doing much better!!

 

Thank you all so much! When I get some time, I will write up a good post of everything I've tried for my neck, pain, and brain, and how much each different thing has helped. I really think I'm getting better every day! I wouldn't want people to spend a bunch of time typing up pages of awesome advice if it's something that I've already tried.

Gotta go for now though. Be back soon!

 

glad to hear that you are still around and that things are better! I was wondering what had happened to you. :2thumbsup:

 

Just read through the thread. I hope things continue to get better for you Ernesto. I will be watching for your next post.

 

One dog down, one to go. I had to put Jebus down a couple of days ago because he lost his mind and was scared and violent all of the time. I also got my little campground project going for a few months and have had nothing but disappointment and betrayal from those that supposedly wanted to start a tribe with me. I think Ernesto is as dead as the ol DannyD and just running on fumes or zombie juju. Pretending everything was OK has worked for a while but it's not OK and never was. I appreciate everyone's kind words and input though!

 

DannyD, wishing you better days ahead....nah, you can only pretend everything is ok for just too long.....I understand that. i am sorry about your dog.....

 

Sorry to hear about the loss of your dog. Losing a pet is like losing a family member, even worse sometimes.

Sometimes people say they are going to participate in a project when you ask them just because they don't have the guts to give you a straight up "no".

I remember asking somebody I knew if he could help me move some stuff with his truck. He was like "sure!", but every time when made a plan, he would back out. This went on for a long time. Asshole, just fucking tell me you don't want to help me move, so I don't make plans around your lying pussy ass.

Enough about that.

Hope you are doing ok.

 

I'm reluctantly trudging forward with this life thing, despite all logic. I do appreciate the kind words though. I've decided to try some new approaches to finding bits of momentary happiness. See the personals section for more details, and maybe a decent laugh.