Recovering from Infidelity?

I hope you find peace in whatever you decide. That's not a fun situation to deal with. <3

 

Recovering from something like that is hard as hell. It takes months. He should be attentive for weeks, months. It's not being crazy by wanting to know where he is, if he's been caught cheating...he should make it perfectly clear for more than a few days where he is at all times, if you really want to heal from this...at the same time, since you have only been together 3 months, I can kinda understand why it might wear on the relationship to have that kind of pressure on it, which is why I think people are saying leaving would be a lot easier.

After 3 months I certainly couldn't have handled it. It's easier when you've been together longer and know a lot more about the person. I don't think you should be worrying about being 'the type of girl' who gives a shit about what's happening in her relationship. If it's going to bother him that you can't trust him right away, then he's trivializing what he did. Doesn't seem like he's ready for a serious relationship and he happened to mess up in a really serious way. It has changed the way your relationship can progress from here.

It's going to be really tough, possibly not worth it for either of you. If he can't understand that you can't immediately trust him after such discretion, then you either have to ignore your feelings and insecurities (which I don't think is a good idea under the circumstances) or leave him.

 

to me this is a key part of the story, if you wouldnt have gone out with him then....why are you going out with him now.
jo is right it takes work, why not find someone who makes the work worth it. if thats him then stay with him, but you have given way more reasons to go than you did to stay.

 

Well last night he went and hung out with his friend that is supposely in town. I never got a text or a call from him, I had to text him at about midnight and ask him if he was coming to see me tonight. He text me back at about 12:30 and said "no, that he was with his friend that is visiting". I didn't say anything back, he didn't text me anything further eiether. Not even a goodnight or an I love you. Which is why I came on here, I guess just to talk about it and help me deal with it all.

In a way I'm kind of glad he stayed out cause it gave me some time to think. I didnt sleep at all last night and I have to go to work soon. I don't know if anyone in my shoes would do anything differently but you guys are right, I just have to wonder if all this trouble is even worth it. Thank you all for listening to me and being there. I appreciate it. I am going to talk to him later tonight so I'll let you all know what ends of happening.

 

"investing" ones emotions in a cheater often leads to a loss. Perhaps it's time for a 'withdrawal?" There ARE a couple of other guys out there. Some of them probably don't even cheat. Just ask yourself WHO created this problem. And WHO has the gall to pout about your mistrust. There's an answer in there somewhere.

 

I want to hear an update on this. I honestly think that you should move on. It's one thing to keep a close female friend but if he has slept with her, especially if it's while you two were together, and he says he loves you, there's no reason for him to keep seeing her. He lost the right to demand your trust around her.

If he can't let her go, and you stay with him, whenever he does see her, it's going to eat you up inside (if you're anything like me anyway). You're going to be uncomfortable, nervous, anxious, jealous. Why go through all that? Why have to constantly wonder where his loyalty lies?

 

This storm seems to have no calm. He's not a bad guy, I believe he truly is confused. This woman is older than him, like in her 40's. She's sheltered him since he came to the United States. His car is in her name, the insurance, everything. She's helped him out for years and she really has done a lot of for him. I believe that she is in love with him but he doesn't feel the same. I know he cares about her but in the end he does not wish to spend his life with her. I think a part of him just feels obligated to stay in her life. I'm trying to see things from his perspective. He finally did walk away from her, as a result she shut of his phone, took his car and his wallet which has all his idenfication cards and everything. There are bags of his clothes here now. I know he cares about me and he loves me but I really don't know what will end up happening in the end. I'm a legal citizen of the U.S., I don't walk out the door in the morning afraid that it might be my last day I ever touch U.S. soil, I can't imagine how it feels but I guess I can understand why he'd be stressed out and why he wants to get this immigration thing over with. He's right, it would be a lot faster if he went to immigration with her because they have years together of photo's, papers and everything they need to prove that they've been together for the past few years. All me and him have is 3-4 months of getting to know eachother. Even if they get a divorce and he marries me instead, we still have a long time before we can put in for his immigration because they put you both in seperate rooms and they ask all kinds of questions, things that I don't even know about him yet. They make it impossible to pass and I don't want to be the reason why he doesn't get his papers. If those two continued and filed for his papers together, they would definitely pass, the problem is that her head and heart are in different places so she isn't going to do it because she wants to help, she's going to do it because she wants to hold on to him as long as she can.

 

I don't really think you should try to see things from his perspective. This is about you at this point. This is a great time to be selfish in my opinion. Don't go out of your way to hurt him but don't justify being hurt because you care about him. You can care about him, he can be a nice guy and he can still be completely incable of being in a mature relationship right now. Men who are dependent on someone else, actually humans who are dependent on someone else, aren't really capable of mature relationships. If you're expecting maturity from him, you're expecting too much...but you do deserve to be in a mature relationship...so what can you do? Take a break? Give him a chance to get himself together, discover at some other point if it's worth picking things up again...that's my opinion, of course. Don't sacrifice yourself because you're overidentifying with his situation. This involves you too, protect yourself. If he's too involved with his own complex situation, he sure as hell cant' be involved with you.

Ignore her. It's his job to defend himself from her and figure out where she stands in his life and where you stand. It's not her job to make you more important to him than she is. As far as you're concerned, she doesn't exist. It's about how he treats you.

 

When you have to make excuses for your partner to try to somehow justify their unacceptable actions it isn't love, it's just lying to yourself to try to make you feel better about the situation.

 

Id probably move on before you get hurt more. If he's not ready to choose and hes sleeping with other women, you unfortunately probably dont mean as much to him as he means to you.

Im sorry you are going through this, but my recommendation is to choose yourself.

Be strong.
Xx