Relationships and trust

Agreed MAMA. It's a matter of respecting what the other person wants.
If you can't agree or compromise with that, it won't work.

Edit: Also, I guess I wouldn't be okay with the talking to women he actually knows, or even has dated. Porn is one thing, real women are another.

This doesn't mean he is not completely in love with you. He just has to know what is and isn't okay by your standards. And vice versa, of course.

 

You see, the thing is also that I created this problem myself by checking his computer when he was not there... If I hadn't, I wouldn't know about this and I would be happily living this relationship with a man that is most likely not to cheat on me.

 

Very true.

You both were wrong. You were wrong for snooping, and he was wrong for sending those messages. That doesn't mean you're wrongs cancel each other out. There still needs to be accountability.

 

I see where you're coming from, but since that is not what happened, that's not what you're dealing with. You shouldn't have checked his stuff. He shouldn't have been talking to other girls in a racy manner.

If you can discuss this with him and both agree on what is and isn't okay, I don't see any reason why this can't be resolved.

But considering what you did find... personally, after the agreement was made, I would still check up on him. Once a cheater, usually a cheater. And despite his love for you, in my book, it's cheating.

 

Ok, we've talked about it. He said he didn't consider this cheating, since it's done with people he has never met in the flesh and that he will never meet. Also, for what it's worth, it wasn't him looking for them, it was them and he responded. Which is not an excuse, but still.

He said that if I consider this cheating he will stop, he doesn't want to hurt me.

 

You don't have to be a dictator as you put it. One of the most powerful tools to build trust is allowing freedom. I give my partner freedom to choose their own path with me. Yes, there are caveats as there is a consequence to everything we do good or bad. I would simply say, you are free to do as you please but this behaviour does hurt me. If you find that he is willing to do things that really hurt you, you've got your answer there.

And at the end of the day it doesn't matter what outsiders think or would do. What matters is you feel loved and secure in your relationship.

I personally would not tolerate this at all. I could forgive it once, maybe twice. But I would not allow it to take place on Any continual basis.

 

I'm glad you talked to him about it and worked it out!