Promiscuity vs Monogamy

Judging how other people live their lives is for losers.

 

so that would make you a loser - for judging those who judge - and condemning them as losers.

 

Sure! I could really care less what people on the net think of me. I have more then enough real people in my life. My comment was to the one that posted about people in a certain kind of relationship being losers.

 

I don't know you, so I am not calling you a loser. And I agree with your sentiment, its not nice to hear that anyone is a loser (imo). Just pointing out the irony in it.

 

I don't think it's about "winners" and "losers". I think it's more a case of how much personal fulfillment and satisfaction each person has with their sex life. Some folks are miserable with their situation, others are ecstatic, and the rest of us fall somewhere in between the two.

I'm been married (happily) for over 34 years and it's been a totally monogamous relationship for that last 28. Before that, my wife and I were in a threesome (with another man) for a while and that was also very nice. If I were:

a) more self-confident,
b) in better shape, and
c) maybe a little bit younger,

I'd probably be currently putting some effect into a casual sexual relationship outside my marriage (with my wife's approval), but I know that it's never going to happen. (Not the wife's approval part; I already have that.) I'm not getting any younger, I know that I won't get back into the physical condition that I want, and I've NEVER been very confident of my ability as a lover.

So, am I at the "top of the game"? Clearly not. Am I a "loser" because my sex life isn't up to my ideal? Also definitely not. I've always believed that it's just (generally) human nature to want what you don't have. If I could have every woman I'd ever desired, I'm sure I'd still be casting around for others. If I could last for hours at a time in bed and satisfy dozens of women before wearing out, I'm sure I'd still want more stamina, more flexibility, more everything. Consequently, I've decided to be happy with what I have.

To quote Clint Eastwood (as Dirty Harry), "A man's got to know his limitations."

 

VG/Cherea why do you think monogamy is for losers?

 

I went through a few sexual periods before getting married. They ranged from teenage sex, to unrestrained partying during my freshman year of college, to a series of short-lived boyfriends and casual hook-ups for the next several years. Then a met this guy who initially didn't appeal to me except as a fun dance partner at a western bar, but he hunted me down and wouldn't take no for an answer when he asked me out. He stayed after me even when I tried to call it quits. I guess it was my insecurity that nobody could ever fall for me. He was the first guy who really put effort into getting to know me and keeping me as a romantic interest.

Jumping ahead, we got married. :love: Over time, we realized we missed the variety we enjoyed when we were single. That's not to say we didn't love each other or feel differently about each other. It's just the physical part was missing a spicy piece we'd come to know during our single years, so we started swapping. I could go into details about how that started and a few bad experiences, but that's all behind us now (thankfully!).

If you choose to explore sexuality outside your relationship, both of you need to be into it and talk about it. Even though we each said it was something we wanted to do, there were still doubts in each of our minds why the other wanted to do it. Wasn't I good enough for my husband? I knew I loved him, but he had doubts why I wanted something outside out marriage. Communication and reassurance is critical if this type of arrangement is going to work.

Just my thoughts. :hide:

 

So, out of curiosity, do you mean just that the bad experiences are all behind you, or that you and your husband have stopped swapping all together? I assume the latter.

I ask because now, 28 years after it happened, I really, really miss the threesome that my wife and I were in. If I had a time machine, blah, blah, blah (you know the story.) Anyway, if everything had worked as originally desired, it would have lasted for years and would eventually have ended by mutual consent, with no regrets all the way around.

That's what I REALLY want for Christmas, Santa! :santa1:

 

Do you mind if I let him answer that? I might chip in later on. Kisses.

 

The bad experiences seem to be behind us. We're still active, but not like some couples.

When we started, we had some bad experiences and were about to quit. Fortunately we hit on a mature couple who'd been into swapping for a long time. They helped us connect with other like-minded couples who had similar values and concerns as ours. Because of our work, we need others to respect our need to stay discrete. We're concerned about diseases, so we require recent STD checks and provide the same for ourselves. Once we fell in with the right crowd, things got much better.

We only swap every few months. We have a daughter, a close family, and work demands. Those things come first. My husband and I have a happy, healthy home life (and sex life :hide. The occasional fling is a treat, nothing more.

 

Outstanding! I'm glad that I was wrong and that you were able to find a group that worked for you.

I certainly understand the need for discretion. Personally, I've revealed much more about my long-ago threesome in this forum than anywhere (or to anyone) else only because my "user handle" provides a veil of anonymity. As I'm certain you know, most people (including, for myself, most close friends and relatives) would be shocked if they were to ever discover that we no only had engaged in what they all consider "aberrant sexual behavior", but that we enjoyed it and would continue to do so, should the circumstances allow.

You mention that you have a daughter. How old is she and is she aware of your activities? My wife and I don't have any children (by choice) but we know a couple who are dear friends of ours and they have what most would consider an open marriage. Specifically, a friend of theirs (and ours) is a single woman that they've known for many years. The three of them were in an MFF threesome for a long time and actually lived together for a number of years. (Now, only the husband is still occasionally sexually active with the single woman, although all three of them are very close friends.) What makes this a bit different (and perhaps something like your situation) is that the couple has two children (now grown to adults): a son and a daughter. (Both these kids are close friends of ours as well.) The children were pre-teens at the time that their parents threesome was at it's peak and the other woman was living with them. The couple has since related to me that both the kids understood that their folks relationship was not typical and was, in fact, considered by most other adults to be "wrong", "immoral", "perverted", etc. (you know the litany.) The kids couldn't understand why anyone could consider that sort of relationship wrong, when it made all three of the grown-ups so happy! (The other woman was then, and still is today, almost like a second mom for both the kids.)

So, with only that one (positive, IMHO) data point to consider, I'm just wondering how you daughter feels about it.