Is my best friend trying to tell me he's gay/bi?

Hi all
First off to introduce I'm a straight girl 29 yrs n my friend is 35 male- he's always expressed interest in girls and been dating them in the past and even went as far as flirting with me on a few occasions but nothing ever happened between us and we continued to be great friends for almost 4 yrs (I do have a crush on him but I figured our friendship was too perfect and he never made a move so dropped it)
Recent,y he's been taking me out with him to gay bars and clubs and introducing me to new 'friends' in particular one close new guy friend and I started seeing him in a new light. He never actually said the words and officially came out but I sensed this was the new him and he wanted me to be part of his new social life. My gut is telling me that he's in a relationship with this new guy but mind you were still close as we were....

I cant help but feel confused and hurt now- I've shared all my darkest secrets with him and I thought he was too. I don't know how hard it is to come out to someone but I felt hurt that he didn't tell me all this before especially since I'm sure he knew I had feelings for him- am I being selfish here? I love him dearly and that won't change but theres a big shift in our dynamic now and im trying to adapt.....im wondering could it be that he's bi since he's always talking abt getting married having kids etc....or is he just confused and looking for affirmation from anyone willing to give it to him( could it be a phase, going out with guys thing or do you have to be totally gay?) Do I ask him about his new guy and start discussing men with him normally or do I pretend like I don't know what's going on and continue treating and teasing him like a straight guy untill its all official?

 

The fact that you may be willing to share your darkest secrets with your best friend(s) does not really oblige them to reciprocate. They are merely obliged to respect your wish for absolute discretion. This is an important aspect of many types of human relationships. You may be absolutely open and truthful about certain aspects of your work with, say, your boss. He/she may or may not choose to reciprocate. Reciprocation in human relationships is very rarely to be assumed.

We all read and hear a lot about "coming out". This is so much in that it has become some sort of an externally imposed obligation. The truth is however, that no one really HAS TO come out. His sexual orientation, desires, practices and proclivities are only his. If and when he feels like stating them verbally, he will do so. This is purely up to him to decide about.

Last but not least. Your friend wants you in his life. He is taking you around, and introducing you to his new friends. You are in the know. Stop thinking in terms of strict sexual orientations. Adopt the attitude that 'yeah, this other dude is sexy and cool'. Your friend may end up having sex with him. He may also have sex with another girl, too. Who knows? It is really his life.

So adopt a positive, "his life - he is calling the shots attitude", and go with the flow

KD

 

KewlDewd66 has it just right, very sensible advice. I'm Bi and the coming out thing was a difficult and very personal thing. Most of my friends know, but only those that I choose to. My family have no idea and I'm happy with that. When I "came out" it was from a need to have someone know about my "secret" life, not for any shock and awe reasons. The friend I picked was my best friend who I new was very anti gay, but for some reason I really needed him to now and accept me for being me. I actually chickened out and told his wife, (also a good friend), and she told him for me. His reaction was awesome, about ten minutes after I hot home, he knocked on the door, told me I was a silly sod, gave me a big hug and proceeded to pulled some beers out of his coat. That evening we drank and talked and had the best time. He completely accepted my bi side, even with his own views. Every person is different in the way they tell people, and many are very nervous about the reaction they are going to get.
Your friend could be "telling" you without telling you in words, As Kewldewd66 said, if he feels comfortable telling you, he will. Maybe he values his friendship with you and doesn't want to spoil that. So taking you around and introducing you to his new friends especially this guy, could be his way of testing your reaction to his new life. Also he's chosen you to show his new friends off to, not someone else, so he obviously values your friendship very much. So as "kewldewd66" said go with the flow, if he eventually does tell you he's bi/gay accept him for him, not who you want him to be. It's a very nervous and worrying time for some people when they get to that stage in their life, and they need support from those closest to them.
I hope it all goes well for you guys, and wish you both all the best.

 

thank you kewldewd and stoat69 for the wonderful advice- i feel better about this and i even called him after reading your replies just to say hi and honestly- he is still my best friend and that won't change.

I guess the only thing thats complicating things is the fact that i do have feelings for him otherwise his sexual orientation won't matter as you said- nor am i expecting a big coming out speech. but going from having feelings for him and all our friends saying what a great couple we would make to him showing me he is with another person really hurts. and the fact that this other person happens to be a guy- well thats a double ouch because it means he never was nor will be attracted to me. i just need to come to grips with it all but i have been totally supportive and shown him nothing but love- such an oscar performance!

i love him so much that i want him to be happy- even if it doesn't involve me....will continue doing what i'm doing i guess and agree with whomever he says he's attracted to (be it a guy or girl)- perhaps he needs time to figure things out too.

 

Thanks for the compliments. (I mean it.)

Sure, the OP is emotionally involved. This is what makes it difficult for her to accept the new lifestyle of her friend.

Most people I know have been there. You develop emotional attachment for someone, and that guy goes with someone else. He thinks the world of you. He is your best friend. You like each other to the bits, but he fools around with someone else.

It takes considerable maturity to understand that emotional bonds of friendship may or may not involve the ideas of sexual attraction. I am sexuallly attracted to one of my friends but for the most part, friends are friends and not bedmates.

Start developing the idea that liking someone does NOT mean having any claims to his freedom of choice. Do not dwell upon his choice of partners. You have got your life to live. Move on, and look for someone else who may be a good partner for you.

KD

 

my dear KD
i truly hope you're not going through what i am because i don't think theres anything more painful than being in love with an unrequited object of affection. possibly the most agonizing thing that stretches beyond every minute of every hour- and him coming out has possibly pushed me to breaking point- which could be a good thing becuase its only after every cell in your body has experienced pain and reached that point that you can truly let go.

i guess i just needed to hear you say it.

xxx

 

Coping with love unrequited is an essential human experience. This is why it is usually called "the growing pains".

The process is both maddening and painful. At the end of the day you shall have gained the wisdom to love without trying to possess, and to let go.

Relatively few shall have learned to reinvent, recreate and remodel both themselves and their environment. Strive towards achieving this goal.

KD

 

holy shit landmine.

he flirts with you on a few occassions, but because he doesn't rape you "your friendship is more important" and you assume he ain't interested?

you mad that this kid, who you dropped, isn't interested in you anymore and is uhh...

living his own brain and life?

oh wow wtf is this piece of shit.


I knew y'all were backwards and nuts but this just affirms everything. Fucking chriiist. Can't you just be honest and loving for one day in your life?