Disliking a parent

I think it is quite normal to dislike a parent when grown...especially if/when the parent is a piece of crap or treates you like one.

I have learned, as an adult (a few years ago) that neither of my uncles could stand their mother (my grandmother) and visited only when they did to see us, my little family of my mother, my brother and me. That grandmother, Mema, was ALWAYS around, insisting on being the driving force of everything, stopped them from visiting more often...NOT that she nor my oblivious mother were aware of any of that.

My grandmother AND my mother both treated me like a show pony occasionally - to play the piano or tell a joke. Other than that, I was called names and abused emotionally to the point I thought that was the way it should be. Guess where karma (that bitch!) has placed me...back here with my (93 yr old) mother. I rather envy those of you that are able to "distance" yourselves physically from your parent(s). I've learned to distance myself mentally.

I can say this...my son and I have an excellent relationship and I KNOW I was/am a good mother because I used my mother an an example and DID THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE.

It's weird (maybe)...but, I find that I love my mother, I just don't like her.

 

Hmmm, my dad wasn't really in my life after I was 8. I can honestly say I don't hate him and I'll be sad when something eventually happens to him and in a good I do love him but I also don't like him or really think about him much. He is how he is and I just feel no need or place for him in our lives.

My mom... good person, good intentions... she did some truly messed up stuff to me when was 17 and 18 years old... and I was mad at her for a while but I'm not anymore. I had to realize my mom and me are alike in some ways, but more strongly we are just totally different people and neither is gonna change the other and she's made mistakes but overall she's a good mom so I had to let shit go. I still have to let go some of the stuff she says- I def. don't always agree w her but I let it go because having her in my life and my son's life is more important then what really amounts to petty stuff. So, for her I just have to accept her the way she is. I also need space from her at times and that's fine.

 

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

 

Some of that is true but I think it ends up being a bit too pessimistic.

 

I agree. The way I see it, those with horrible parents tend to go one of two ways. They either continue the cycle or do the exact opposite and become the most loving and companionate parents you'll ever see. My sister is a prime example of the latter. Her kids will never understand how lucky they are.

 

They are good people and were really good parents most of the time.
I am closer to my father, though. He is fair and supports my interests.

My mum was always a responsible parent, but our personalities clash horribly.
There are so many things we do and perceive differently, that living together was a constant source of arguments and frustration for both of us.
It was the worst during my puberty but has gotten much better when we stopped living in the same household.
We'll never be really close, but in case of any real trouble we're there for each other. Which I think is all that really matters.

So my answer to the original question would be that although being with my mother for too long drives me crazy, I love her all the same, so dislike is a too strong word.
I don't particularly like her personality, but respect her for the choices she's made and things she's done in her life.

However, if she still had any direct input or influence on my life, I would probably dislike her very much.

 

Yeah, pretty much.

I'm personally nothing like my parents in a lot of ways with my son. I don't wanna say I'm the opposite (though in a lot of.. important..ways I am), but I've learned a lot from them and figuring out what not to do has a lot to do with it.

 

My Father's way too strict for my taste. Just no fun to be around or love.

 

i never had really strong feelings about my parents, toward or against either way.
i thank them for the body i walk around in; 15 minuets of my father's pleasure and nine months of my mother's pain.
and for feeding me the first 18 years of my life, and helping me out occasionally afterward, once in a great while.
i'm sorry, but that's about it.
i wish their ghosts well, wherever they might be. but i don't have a whole lot of wish for their company.
i don't consider myself normal either.
i consider normality mythological.

 

It's really hard to forgive, but I still do. I have no choice as I am a Christian.

I just wish Jesus would forgive me and do away with the nightmares.

43 years old and I still wake up screaming in terror. Not as often as I used to, but it happens.

 

This has been really helpful these past couple of weeks. Thanks everyone. I should learn how to reply sooner.

 

One of my university professors published this poetic response to that poem -

Footnote to Larkin

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
- Philip Larkin

To blame it on your mum and dad
and claim it's their fault what you do
takes quite a nerve - as though you had
no part to play in what makes you.

This fucked-up childhood myth's a line
that everyone's at some time used;
it may explain why you're a swine,
but not why you should be excused.

©Harry Ricketts

 

He basically went there.

 

The professor is right, to a certain degree. Let me share some personal history to help explain this-
When I was a little kid my mom had a brain tumor. She did a lot of sick and insane shit to me and my sister. But...she had a brain tumor and she didn't ask for or deserve it. Not like it's anything to be worthy of, it's a horrible medical issue. So I forgave her for that, because it wasn't her fault. She was as much a victim as my sister and I were.

But as kids you don't know how to act or react or deal with the stress of "is mom going to threaten to murder us with her shotgun again tonight, or just try to kill herself?" My sister went off on drugs and booze. I got my stress out taking it out on kids in school.

I was already bullied for being short. And back then you had to bully or be bullied. At least that's how it felt, and kids didn't get the counseling at school that they do now. Well, suffice it to say I was a major asshole in elementary school and junior high.

Now, I'm a much better person. I see what the problem was and I countered it by changing myself. Sadly so many of my schoolmates can't get over the past. Hey, I'm sorry about what I did, my excuse is "I was just a kid". Same excuse the bullies I had to put up with told me. Well, life goes on. I forgive the bullies I had, and I forgive the kids that still hate me, though they aren't kids anymore buy grown adults. So when we meet again, they become so hateful. really? For what? Because I was a kid and didn't grow up fast enough to know how to deal with that shit so you could have a normal childhood? Fuck you.

So in such an instance it doesn't matter how much WE get past who we were and what happened to us, but those that weren't involved can't get a life and get over what really didn't affect them at all.

 

at some point in their lives, most people discover their parents were not infallible.

i consider myself fortunate, that i never loved my parents enough, for love to turn to hatred by making that discovery. one of many reasons i consider 'family values' to be somewhat over rated.

 

In some cases as much as they are the actor, it's still not their fault. Because of my mom's tumor my grandparents raised me as a teenager. Even then I was abused. But again, I forgave. My grandfather treated me the way he was treated when he was a kid. He knew no different, it's a cultural thing. I don't hate him. Hated get me no where. He has since past away, but I still love him.