Threesome Drama (LONG)

Hi everyone!
First time here and hoping I will stay and enjoy it. Having a few relationship issues with my husband and since I really don't have anyone to talk to about this...I found this place.

Background on us:
I am 26, bi curious (or bi?)
My husband is 33, and straight.
We have been together 8 1/2 years and have two children together.
I am a Pisces and he is a Leo.

Before this past weekend, my husband and I have thoroughly been discussing threesomes. MFM and FMF. I have had some experience with women (just touching and kissing) and have had some fun doing this with guy friends of ours back when I was 17 and had just graduated. I have done some things like having sex in the same room as my friends too, and have had one night stands.

It became clear to me that my husband wasn't just talking dirty, that this was a real fantasy of his. And I must admit, somewhat of mine too. We decided to go ahead with it.

We had been talking to a potential male to be the third and since I couldn't get myself to actually say for him to come over, my husband invited him over and surprised me. I am one for spur of the moment. He wasn't totally the type of guy I would be in to but the way I looked at it was that I had to start somewhere and since I am not a perfect looking specimen, I shouldn't judge.

I was pretty nervous but went into it. The man was very nervous and unfortunately it just made things quite weird for me. Especially when he couldn't even...um...get it up to par. So yeah...that was a pretty big issue. We fooled around with my husband fooling with me as well but I didn't have sex with the man. I didn't feel comfortable with him to go to that point and I have always felt that my husband and I's sex if somewhat sacred. I honestly don't know how I would feel after the deed. I am a scaredy cat. My husband finished and I kinda kicked the guy to the curb. The entire evening I kept telling my husband how I enjoy him over any guy. I did however feel this new sense of empowerment. I felt sexy. Suddenly, the next day I kept noticing guys looking me up and down and smiling, even flirting.

That night, I decided to put an ad up for a female for our FMF encounter. I almost never get replies because most women do not want my husband involved and that it just not going to happen. We got a response that evening from a woman from the area who was just looking for some fun. She was an older woman (50) but she did not look or act it at all. If I had to guess her age, I would say 40's. Plus she was real. She was a bit bigger but like I said, I'm not going to judge. My husband said that he is just there to watch and for our pleasure if we so choose.

So this woman comes over and she put me right at ease. She had been married once before, and had a relationship with a woman for 7 years. So at least she had experience. She was open to whatever happened. Things started shifting to the bedroom and her and I are having fun and I have been with my first woman. I felt bad for hubby since he was just watching so since I felt comfortable, I told the woman she could play with him too. It was weird for me, but I wasn't upset or pissed or anything.

So all three of us are having fun and then comes the time to get the condom. Part of me said 'screw it, it's kind of something you've wanted to see so try it. If I don't like it, I can say stop." My husband put the condom on and got in position so I could see it happening before I got involved again. Just so I would be okay. He was about to go in and I almost burst into tears. I told him I couldn't do it. I drank some water, and not wanting to ruin anyones night I kept on.

Later that night, my husband said it was totally fine that he didn't have sex with her. I was still weirded out by everything but just went about my business. The next day I just couldn't keep food down. I told my husband about it and thought everything was okay.

I kind of had a meltdown last night when I told him I really just wanted to focus on him and the kids this week and really catch up on sleep (between us trying to find playmates, and having a 6 month old...maybe 4 hours of sleep nightly) He was fine with it but then later he showed me and ad for a woman that he was interested in for us.

I got kind of pissed. He had fun, I had fun. I just wanted to relax. And now it seemed he was going crazy with all this. When I told him this he got pissed saying that now that he wants a woman for us, I say no.

Since then, we haven't really talked. I met up with him for lunch today and it turned into a huge fight. He said he didn't get to do what he wanted and all this was for me. That really just hurt because it was his fantasy too. The fight escalated to him walking out and going in his truck to finish up work without even a goodbye to me or the kids. I got so pissed I texted him to not bother coming home and if he did, I won't be there.

Plain and simple. I am scared. I'm not scared of him leaving me for another woman. I'm scared that I won't enjoy this lifestyle and he will and then where will we be? Am I going to have to deal with getting this thrown in my face if I say I don't want to do this again? Part of me wants to experience new things but part of me just wants to run and hide. It's my nature. Heck, it's the nature of all the women in my family and it has hurt them.

He says he wants this as experience for us and that I am way to insecure in myself or something to even try it. He said that me being this insecure will be the future problem with us.

I know I am insecure. I always have been. Back when I met him, I was 5'6 and 125lb. And I thought I was fat! I remember the days when guys I cared about would tell me that they thought my best friend was hot. It's still in my head.

I am just scared out of my mind.

Plus, it didn't help that he said that I've told him my past experiences and I haven't done any of those with him and he would like to know what is so different from then and now.

I was a teenager. I wasn't a mom. I was single. I was drunk. I didn't have a family. I wasn't with a man for 8 years.

Kind feels like he threw that in my face :-(

Sorry for this being long but I needed to get the whole story out. I'm not just blaming him. I know I'm not perfect. How is it a part of me wants to experience new things but that same part freaks out at the thought?

Any advice from those who have gone through threesomes would be very helpful. Maybe even some success stories would be great. Thank you.

 

First of all: welcome to HF

You got this off your chest, which is good.

It would also help if you now give us the short version.

 

Thanks. Sorry about that...lol. Short version-I don't know how to act or what to do at this point. I want him to be happy...and to a degree I understand just living life to it's fullest. I had fantasies...but now they seem distant. I feel so hurt right now. He says I've ruined this entire fantasy by how I've been acting since it happened. Agh!! I just want to feel strong in this situation! I feel like I've been beaten down and all I want to do is cry. I've even contemplated leaving to my father's house for a few days. But is that really the answer? I feel bad about ruining this...but like I told him, he is not totally the victim here. And he agreed. But yet he gives me the cold shoulder. I'd love a guys perspective on this...

 

I think you got impulsive about getting an experience, then it turned out you weren't ready. For yourself, postpone trying again for a few years. The disconnect with your husband is that he is ready. He probably totally digs it that you could get into having 3somes. The thought is arousing, intriguing, and has opened something up in him. Be willing to learn this side of him, even though you might not act on it. Also, all this is new. Process it and be calm. Men are most often rational, as long as we are.

 

I haven't had a threesome,so perhaps anything I say about it will not mean too much. I just had to say SOMETHING because a person in pain affects me and I hate to see a problem like this(or any) ,between 2 adults,especially when you two have kids. I dislike saying this because alcohol is such a shitty drug,but--well--you know where I'm going with that. Certainly loosens up inhibitions.

I wonder if in this day and age there is/are someone to talk to about this like a certain type of councilor. Then again,it may have been a mistake to think that you should have tried to make a fantasy life happen in real life. Dammit--I just don't know--I'm sorry for your pain. I hope someone will offer you something here more than I can. Please don't do anything spur of the moment. This bears taking some time and proper advice to work out,I think.---------Joel

 

Thank you Calgirl and Joel.

I know I am going to have to learn this side of him. I just don't know how...it honestly scares me. It hurts me because I love him and don't ever want to lose him. (My parents...family in general has always had relationship problems and I had a crappy childhood) We have a 7 year old who is special needs and have a 6 month old so we pretty much are always having stress with one thing or another.

Joel- Thank you for your input. I really do appreciate a male perspective on this. I honestly feel like I've created a monster. I don't do well with stress. I haven't eaten much in several days. I'm not doing anything spur of the moment...yet anyways. I have a tendency to do that it always comes back to bite me in the ass. It kills me that this is a lifestyle that he may want and I may not.

Can I really blame him for wanting something different? New?

I know I have times where I feel like that, but I've never acted upon them. Nor do I want to, I'm too scared. Heck...I freaked out about getting tattoos. But then I told myself screw it and I now have two sleeves among others.

He loves the fact that he might get attention from women. My husband is a bigger guy. I was with him at his biggest. He always had weight issues as a kid too. No girl would give him the time of day. I can't blame him for that. But it still hurts me. It feels like I'm not doing enough even though he says different. And I tend to get a lot of attention when we go out. I don't look back at those guys but I do have to admit that having someone other than your spouse smile or look at you does make you feel better. It doesn't bother him when guys do that so why does it bother me when women do that? Ugh...I have serious jealousy issues...

 

There is nothing wrong with you! You two need to take a step back from the lifestyle until you both are confident and secure about it, yourselves and each other. You are already having a communication breakdown and without good communication the lifestyle will destroy you. It also does sound like he is laying guilt on you and trying to pressure you into doing it even though you need to take a step back. You can not just do it for him. It has to be for both of you. Try and get the communication back on track and make sure what you have together is rock solid before you think about bringing others back in. This is the advice of a man that does enjoy the lifestyle with his lady once in a while. It will always take a backseat to our real relationship with each other. We both make sure of that.

 

I would love to talk to you more about this enhancer. This is my first time on the site...am I able to message you? You really put things into plain view for me...tonight sucked. I ended up writing a two page letter to him because he wouldn't talk to me. Just getting my exact feelings out, my fears, why I have those fears and at least he can see how I feel without one of us raising our voice or walking off. He didn't come to bed last night but sometimes he'll fall asleep on the couch so who knows. I just feel so guilty :-( I really thought we both had fun this past wreeekend. Not just me, not just him. From what happened I felt we were on equal playing fields again but he doesn't feel that way. He says he doesn't care that he didn't hsve sex because he knew I would feel hurt but the next minute he says I need to sometimes do things out of my comfort zone. Would you mind if I messaged you enhancer?

 

I am not sure if you can PM me, because you are a new member, but if you can feel free to! I don't mind at all.

 

Thank you everyone...we finally sat and talked and I really did start to understand his thoughts and desires while we talked abour my fears. Enhancer...once I am a member I will be messaging you. Don't know anyone who has this lifestyle or would even accept it so I would love to have someone to talk to who has experience

 

Good to hear you two starting talking again! There can never be to much talk when it comes to the lifestyle. Feel free to message anytime. It is always good to talk to others with common interests.

 

I know this is a couple days old. And I hope that you 2 are talking more now. But, I am married as well for almost 9 years and my husband is bisexual so we opened the door to 3somes and had a lot of the same begginer problems that you are describing. And in my opinion if you guys decid to try this again is rules rules rules lol I know it sounds crazy but instead of waiting til it happens to say no sex with her know before you go in that he either is or is not allowed to have intercourse with her and same with you. Make the lines clear a head of time with all 3 parties. That way everyone knows what is expected of eachother. Good luck I really hope you 2 have found clarity again after your experiences.