Over a year ago, I was sleeping with a white guy who hated black people, but at the same time, I was sleeping with a black guy who hated white people. It would piss me off listening to both of them make hateful comments about either race. I'm neither (i'm middle eastern), but their negativity would get to me. However, this was during my skanky days, and part of me enjoyed that they were unaware of the fact that they had secretly slept with their most despised people (thanks to me). They gave me a ton of free weed and money, but they were both somewhat attached to me and believed that I was sexually exclusive with only them. I don't know why they would believe something so stupid as both relationships were clearly based on an exchange between sex and what I really wanted. I eventually broke it off with both of them. I lied, and told them that I was moving to another state. I never been in a real relationship, but this was the closest thing to what I call an "intimate" relationship. It's sad, considering that I never had feelings for either of them, and they weren't interested in anything else other than sex. I felt like I attracted these men into my life because of my own negative energy that I exuded. I take full responsibility over this, and over the bad things that had been done to me. My mind was polluted with filth. If I only had a clearer head, I never would have placed myself in situations where I allowed myself to be physically harmed, or met people like this. Getting over this is tough, because sometimes, my mind replays the terrible things that they believed. It's painful, because it subconsciously makes me bitter when I look at the world, and leaves me with little hope for America when I reflect on the future. I know I'm being irrational and not looking at the bigger picture. I know these feelings are coming from my past, which is not coming from a clear perspective. Sometimes I feel like I can see things clearly, other times, emotions will drag me 100 feet under. Things didn't get better after this. I continued to sleep with men in exchange for money, and sometimes, it was because I wasn't assertive enough, and the guy just really wanted to get laid. I felt weak and stupid. I remember when a guy took advantage of my stupidity, and videotaped me while we were having sex. I told him to put it away, but he wouldn't. Instead, he started to physically abuse me on camera. I can't believe I allowed all of this to happen. Granted I was a mess in the head and my lack of unawareness is what ultimately led to this, and in the end, I know I'm responsible for this. Taking responsibility for my own mind has allowed me to be more conscious now and make use of my full potential. I don't believe that I'm weak now, and understand the power of my own mind. Now that I cut negative people and sex out of my life, I feel more relaxed and live life with more meaning. However, sometimes I catch myself feeling irritated with the world and looking at everyone with complete disgust. I'm very antisocial and I fear letting anyone into my life, because I have this stubborn belief that most people are negative and will only hurt me in the end. I fear that they will create further layers of psychological damage, which will leave me to uncover the mess. I don't even want friendship with positive people, because my mind is still stained with some filth, and I don't want to taint them. I have to wear baggy clothes when I'm out in public with little to no make up. The baggy clothes must hide my figure completely, because otherwise, it would only remind me the true nature of men. I'm still running off bad experiences here, and it bothers me that I'm not seeing things for what they really are. I understand that my beliefs aren't real because they are a fabrication of MY own mind. Someone who hasn't had my life experience wouldn't understand what my beliefs are about. Life is all about perspective, but my mind keeps fucking with me. I don't know. I can't let anyone into my life unless I know for sure that my mind is clean and pristine, and I'm totally healthy. Any advice would be appreciated. I haven't told anyone this, and I even hate looking a loved one in the eyes when my past pops into my head. I just feel ashamed. Writing this to a group of strangers feels more liberating, and if anyone can understand...great. If not, it's whatever. Thanks for reading.
Sounds like you should have like stuck to Middle East traditions or something homie. Did your guys even know you were Middle East? Because I have never heard of a white racist on blacks that still dates Middle East folk. That's just bloody outrageous! We breed the racists young and dumb here but I have never heard of that one lol. I agree with you on the friendships side where you cannot trust anyone and all they will do is let you down etc. I don't even have friends. I just have enemies and ally's and a shit load of neutral folk and I base the ally's on this: If they're a dependable person that I can rely on then you're ally status. If yore a fuckwit and I do not like you or you have wronged me, enemy. All else falls in neutral, especially friendships.
That's because you're from Germany. Maybe people there actually stick to the standards and expectations that they set for themselves. In the United States, everyone listens to their cock, or vag. I mean, Middle Easterns are probably the most disliked group in America (I've heard so many bomb jokes), yet I've had so many American men try to sleep with me. That's pretty sick and twisted if you ask me! Maybe your culture is more tame, and you have more level headed people from where you live (with all stereotypes about Germans set aside). Now, I'm only speaking from my experiences only and I understand experiences of other people may differ. American men (from the ones that I've known) appear to be more sexually adventurous. The white racist would justify his lack of control over his penis by calling me "exotic." This guy probably just watched a lot of porn (I saw some Asian porn on his desktop). Plus, I wouldn't really call it dating... just maybe NSA. But i believe that his hatred towards blacks stems from insecurities that he felt from black men. Same with the black guy. I sensed that he had insecurity issues with white men as well. Little things that they would say made it obvious that they only hated the other group because they viewed the men as sexual competition. Anyway, I do wish that I would've stuck with the middle east traditions. Sometimes I wish my parents never came to the Uniteds States because everyone here seems so confused and delusional. Maybe it's the reality TV and endless commercials that makes everyone here so retarded. Lots of stimulation in short amount of time tends to fry many brain cells, so I guess that makes sense. But I don't want to go back to the middle east, either. Life can be even more constricting there, and women are treated much worse. I guess the least that I can do here is work on having a professional career. I guess it's not perfect anywhere you go, but at least I can do my best to make changes here, which I believe that I can do. Once I'm totally sane, hopefully my sanity will infect at least 10 people, and those 10 people will go on to infect others (better than spreading stds, right?). The approach that you have towards people is the right mentality because if you get too attached to people, you become everyone's bitch. You said that you only make someone your ally based one whether someone is dependable. I'm sure that's the same reason why someone else would seek your company. Isn't that pretty depressing? People only seek friendships based on what the other person can offer them. It's never the other way around. People never want a friend so they can offer them anything because they only want to take for themselves. At least it's pretty mutual with this type of friendship... actually, this is the only type of friendship that I'm aware of. I don't know what your life experiences are, but I'm sure that if anyone has ever wronged you, it gave a you an opportunity to grow as a person. For example, I don't entirely regret my experience because I learned something from it. Sure, I might be bitter and cynical from this learning-process, but I'll never dip low. I'll never submit to someone.
Yeah, a troll would take the time to write all that. Sounds pretty logical to me. If you have such little patience along with shitty reading comprehension, then what the hell are you doing on an internet forum where reading is required??
1 You expressed very well. 2 You have two concerns- A about other people B about your own mind which you feel is still not clean and healthy. "I haven't told anyone this, and I even hate looking a loved one in the eyes when my past pops into my head. I just feel ashamed. Writing this to a group of strangers feels more liberating, and if anyone can understand...great. If not, it's whatever." My suggestions- 1 Go and do some social service- help others. Take it as a punishment for your past deeds. This will wash out your guilt and clean your mind. 2 Have faith. There is someone caring about you and loving you dearly, but you can not see him now because of this smokescreen of your unclean mind. The time will come, when he will come and lift you up. Till then, keep washing yourself and do not worry about society.-black, white, good, bad -forget everything. Do your job. Do it well.
Hello. I am new to this so forgive me if I offend or breach etiquette. I am not sure if you wanted a response or just to vent however, here is my two cents worth. First, congratulations on taking responsibility for your past actions. That is a great start. I noticed that you speak of others negativity. Negativity is infectious so it is a good idea to stay away from these types. Especially if it affects you so. You also speak of your mind and clarity. Not once did you mention what your heart is saying. Life is about experiences and the lessons we take from them. And you truly get to chose what you take away from them. And when in doubt, your heart is the best leader. Second,unless your actions directly led to someone else getting hurt, I do not believe you need to be punished. If exchanging sex for something else has made you feel bad, then lesson learned stop doing it. In fact, anything that make you feel bad or ashamed you should stop. Third, you wrote that you have filth in your mind. I am not sure what you are referring to or what you define as filth, but that implies morals which usually stem from upbringing etc. and as you said I do not know anything about you. I do know this from experience. You can only love others as much as you love your self. I am working on this also. First start with being honest with your self. That is how you will know your true self. Then come acceptance of your self and then learning to love your self. This is your life. You are the author. Make what you will of it. It would seem that you have been hurt in the past and you blame your self. I do not know your age but it seems that you are old enough to take control of you life. If so, and those around you are not conducive to your well being, get out. See what is out there. I may seem hard, but it is not. I do not know where you live, but not everyone is negative and out to get you. I hope that I have been of service to you. I apologize if I offended. I wish you all the best.
I've always wanted to sleep with a black woman and perhaps a few other women of other races, just to see if I prefer them over caucasians. Just out of curiosity.
That just made me think of this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xtjRgEQFFio"]Porno for Pyros - Black Girlfriend - YouTube C/S, Rev J
Matchofeen shar e5tey. Make your pain your motivation.. those experience are what sharpened you into someone way stronger than racist lowlife men by now. You're above it all. Have revenge by moving forward; you know you deserve better than to be reminded of the past, work towards memories of success, failures, love, and experiences to cherish and remember
MS is right. Choose a better selection of men. Racists are dead inside. They have no spiritual growth.
It's not healthy for you to dwell on this shame. You are not filthy. Sometimes people live a little bit sloppy. It's just human nature. Well American nature for sure.
Overit, first of all, I wish you the best during this difficult time. Second - I'm not sure if this will help but here goes - just keep in mind that were are all human, we have instincts, preconceptions, prejudices, chips on our shoulders etc.. we also however have compassion, care etc... we all just do the best we can at every moment with all of the things that make us, Us. All of our experiences make us who we are. Maybe it's just good enough to know it is what it is. You are going through some strong emotions and you seem to be a thinker. But emotions or thoughts or other people's thoughts or actions or opinions are not you and don't make you bad or filthy. If being with people who are racist makes you feel bad, you can find others to be friends with. Just don't think that being in a bad situation means that tgere is something wrong with you. Sorry for the long confusing post. I had to get up early for work and didn't get much sleep.
