Decided I needed to leave my friend

If you have these feelings for her you do the right thing cutting her off. This situation is no good for any of you I think.

 

And after a while I´m sure she will understand too and calm down.

 

I think people are confusing the concept of the 'friend zone' and the concept of unrequited love.

 

This is something I think you need to personally work on for yourself. Treating your emotions as if they are eruptions from a volcano, hence the building up of tension until you can't contain it is an unhealthy pattern.

You need to acknowledge that you will probably find a lot more failure and dating/relationship mismatches than you will successes.

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I do have to give your female friend some credit though. She was straight with you and told you upfront that she wasn't interested. In come cases, girls don't give upfront answers like this, and string the guy along a LOT worse than what you've been put through. Count yourself lucky that your wounds are self-inflicted to an extent.

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Where you find one topic you usually find the other because they're complimentary.

 

The only problem is that I don't go through this with other girls. I can easily let them go if I'm interested in them and for whatever reason don't see them all the time anymore.

This girl, however, I have gone through so many of these falling outs with that I honestly feel like nothing has even changed. Not to say that I should take that for granted. There is a sense that this time it could be a long while before I see her again, since it was me who deliberately walked out. But, thinking that this may cease my suffering, it has actually greatly enhanced it to such an extreme that I let go even deeper.

What is needed is a full letting go of sorts before speaking with her again.

 

You have a very good point, Monk. I suppose I was a little biased in regards to this matter because I was speaking from my own experience with my best friend. Just because she and I were able to remain friends all this time doesn't mean someone else in a similar situation would get to experience the same thing. In any case, I wish the OP good luck with his endeavors.

One thing about astrology, though... Sometimes it IS more reliable than you think. My SO and I are definitely one of the best matches in the entire Zodiac chart. In fact, I've never had a single bad experience with people bearing her sign. My male best friend is the same sign too, and we are bros. But there are certain signs I can't click with. It's quite interesting.

And @ kokujin - I appreciate your positive-repping me even though you didn't necessarily agree with my view on the matter. I suppose my naive outlook comes from the fact that my female best friend and I survived something similar to what the OP is going through. But maybe I'm a rarity when it comes to something like this. Although, I will say that even though I used the term "self-sacrifice", in reality it's way more rewarding than that. A friend is someone you care about. I guess some of us are more inclined to bend over backward being there for them than others. And it pays off. At the end of it, there's something even more magical than a butt fuck and that's knowing you and your friend shares a solid emotional bond. It may sound like a fairy tale to many people but, guess what, fairies DO exist.

 

Is this what being in a relationship has become? A butt fuck?

All i know is that I'm searching for genuine and true love that covers all areas of my being as i have never once experienced that in all 23 years of my existence. Perhaps i just don't have the scope to look at it in any other way as of yet, but I simply need to reevaluate myself if she truly isn't that person like i have felt she would eventually become since the moment i met her.

 

Perhaps I am being too selfish with my approach, and it's all me-centered. But i have done plenty for others for a long time and never receive the full return that i could hope for and after going your whole life like that it begins to take its toll on you.

 

No no, just because one is in a relationship doesn't mean one is getting his butt fucked. That thing I said above was a reply to kokujin(who added a little comment along with a reputation) specifically, anyway.

It's really hard to say at what age you start having a good understanding of what that "almighty love" might mean, and who might be able to love you in that sense. I think we all have our own ideas about what we want it to be, but the reality can often be something totally different. Not necessarily for the better or worse, but just different.

When I was about your age, I was contemplating on ending a relationship, and later forced to end it prematurely due to a complicated situation. It's a long story, really. But 23 was the age where I experienced that love could "deteriorate". And then three years ago, there was a moment where I said "she's gotta be it!" But she ended up not being it. I now think that it was my emotional self that was creating this idea that she was "it" when she actually wasn't.

My current SO and I just one day met online, and we've been romantically involved for almost three months now. One thing I can tell you is that this is unlike any romance I've experienced before. I'm experiencing a lack of emotional strain that is almost disorienting, as much as it might sound pretty bad, lol. But the thing is, she still might not be "it". What's really new about this relationship is that, for the first time, I'm NOT trying. I'm not trying to let anything convince myself(or both of us) that this is "it"...or for that matter, that it ISN'T "it". Instead, it seems that everything that has been happening in our relationship has been happening naturally, and I must say it's very comfortable.

Some people find a lifelong relationship early on, and others later on in life. In my case, I hope my current SO is "it", but to think that when it's still very early on in the relationship is a bit unrealistic I suppose. I just know it didn't take us long to become "us", in fact, we were "us" before we even knew it. Conversely, it took me years and years to finally understand my best friend and I weren't meant to be in a romantic sense. Just like you, I always went back to being attracted to her even when I found other girls desirable and wanted to date them. But it's like a one-sided thing, you know? As friends, she and I definitely have always been a two-way street. But there was ONE aspect of me that was a one-way street: the romantic side of things. And just like you, I've asked her out while she was still in a relationship(albeit a bad one by that point), too. That time, she'd actually considered it for a little while before turning me down. Maybe in another life, we're happily married...or something.

Yeah, but you gotta understand that, as long as you're EXPECTING to get something in return, never mind in FULL, for the good deeds you've done, you won't be able to reach a peaceful state of mind. It's like a karma thing; you do something good and leave it at that, then it comes back and something good happens to you..........eventually, maybe. I mean, these things can, and for the most part, build up slowly over time, right? However, you do a good thing but expect to get something in return(ulterior motives, greed, whatever you want to call it), and karma tends to cancel it all out leaving you to feel like you're not getting anywhere.

 

I feel all of that except that there's never been any ulterior motives or greed. Just an instant of first making eye contact with her and from then on a constant illumination of her presence.

I suppose that I am a blind and willingly foolish believer in Eternal love, that never has to do with any rules about anything. Just pure and real and just that sacred space. That's what it's all about for me and she has always been that one. And she knows that. But, I'm open to others. And need to be. But even then, I feel like she will always be the hidden key behind any future romance.

It's all just such a cliché and archetypal situation. Dante and Beatrice.

The ultimate crushing will be if she dies before I ever get the chance for a full embrace with her, but even then it would lead me to look forward to the afterlife, if there is one.

 

This is a very good post! If I could I'd archive it because I'm sure we'll get other posters here who are in the same situation and this advice is timeless!

 

Keep a positive outlook that what you want emotionally in a relationship can be found. But do NOT get fixated on the belief that 1 particular person is THE ONE for you because that's the lie.

Also realize that "Eternal Love" if one is able to find it, doesn't mean there aren't falling out periods between couples to the point where divorce could have happened. Relationships are ALWAYS a work in progress, and they're more complicated than just buying material things for the significant other to appease them. (If you are reaching some appeasement, well then you've likely got a gold digger on your hands who is a good actor/actress)

 

Hasn't old mate gotten over this yet?

 

That's what my friends have been asking each other for 4 years.

 

The fact is, I am the fool in this situation. But, we go through long falling periods frequently. And I'm always completely fine in due time. It's when we start hanging out again that I realize that I'm not over her.

Oh well. I'm feeling a lot better in general. Thanks for all the advice.

 

I know what that feels like. Just be aware that when you continue to want someone who has expressed on multiple occasions that they don't want to be yours, that may be a sign that you're fixated on them even though your intentions may be pure. You might even feel like you could make her happier than any of her past partners could, but really, that's nothing more than your ego talking when she herself doesn't want what you have to offer in that way to begin with. Well, it's not like I'm talking shit about you here. I'm speaking from MY OWN experience. I've been in that situation where I felt like I could make a girl happier than any other guy out there could, and basically ended up failing miserably because it was just my ego driving me into having that kind of strong emotion. And to me, that is no different than greed.

Actually, that's what it's all about for me, too. My idea of love is something out of a Disney romance flick. A lot of people think I'm naive for that reason, lol. I believe in all kinds of things that only the most daring hopeless romantics would. xD If you two are actually meant to be together, then eventually you'll experience that. But the question is, will it be in this life time? And Monk's right about there being more than one person out there who could be "the one" for you. The ones you didn't get to meet in this life time, maybe you will in another life(unless you were already with them in your past lives). I believe that I knew the people around me in my past lives, and also that I will be around them in my next life, too. So, maybe you and this girl aren't supposed to have the "turn" yet in this life, who knows.... *shrugs*

Well, you're a hopeless romantic. There's nothing wrong with being one in itself. My best friend will always hold a special place in my heart even though she's a married woman now. Besides, life goes on and we all meet new people as time goes by. You just never know when and/or where you meet "the one", nor would it be a guaranteed thing that she be exactly as you've envisioned all your life as "the one", the "ideal".

That's good to hear. You're welcome. Hope it all works out.

 

Thank you!

This is very good advice, too. The important thing is to determine whether or not this friendship is a two-way street. Being expectational, in terms of what you get in return for the good deeds you've done for a friend, isn't a place you'd want to end up in. HOWEVER, it's still important to be aware of what others have done for you, and to be willing to return the favour. This yields a mutually beneficial and nurturing friendship/relationship in my opinion.

 

Right right, and now I realize we're going a bit off topic now because now we're just discussing the give-n-take aspect of all friendships and stuff.

We might need our own thread now Alternative, just talking about friendships in general regardless of romance.

Even friendships are supposed to be two-way streets, but there are degrees of measurement to the favors asked of person B by person A. And so there's a difference in what should be appropriate to return as a favor.

Now I should disclose that I am biased here, because there are differing views when it comes to the issue of "What is appropriate to call in a favor for" in the name of Friendship.

Another differing factor is that friendships between guys VS friendships between girls are different (like a venn diagram) in terms of what kinds of supports each person is to offer the other.

Ex:

1. Differing levels of comfort talking VS giving someone their own space.

2. Do they want to talk about it or would they rather be doing an action (a sport, a video game, a movie, shopping?)

3. Are they receptive to advice?

Things like that.

 

Awesome mixed metaphor.

 

Understood, lol.

Very interesting..... It's something I personally have never really paid much attention to, simply because I tend to perceive friendships as platonic love of sorts. But that's for another thread I suppose, lol.

To shift the topic back to what we were originally talking about(or to at least attempt to do so, lol), I just thought about what might happen if my SO and I ever broke up for whatever reason. I am positive our friendship would be able to survive, but then you really can't guarantee these things 100%. She and I are very empathically in tune with each other, so I'm not really worried, and I don't think she is either. I just don't want her to develop some sort of regret later on in our relationship that she would have been better off with someone else(perhaps younger than me, and someone who lived closer to her than I do). She tells me everything will be okay, though.

The was a girl I sort of had this romantic "thing" with from the fall of 2011 to spring of 2012. She and I started out being friends and eventually expressed our mutual attraction for each other. But this girl was extremely troubled. She would retreat into her dark corner of self, and loving her accompanied pain at times as well. We never really made our thing official, or for that matter, it wasn't even an exclusive thing either. It was more like, to her I was one of the people she liked while, to me, she was who I was in love with. So there was a difference between how strongly each one of us felt for the other, I suppose. Eventually, I became emotionally and physically unwell, and I ended up having to make the choice not to pursue that relationship any more. She and I are still friends, but we don't really talk that often any more. I think it's one of those situations where certain distance makes a friendship work better. But then I no longer find her romantically attractive, so I think I was truly ready to make that decision when I did. Still, it was very hard to let her go in that sense, and I DID suffer from the after effects of the whole situation for a long time afterward. BUT, it was an absolutely necessary step that I needed to take for both of us to remain on friendly terms.

In the process of thinking about all this, I remembered something the OP has implied on a number of occasions throughout this thread. He has implied so far that, within the household of his best friend's, he's being able to experience a sense of "family type oneness", which he perhaps missed for a while. He's also implied that he isn't quite sure what defines a relationship due to his lack of experience in the area. I personally think these two things are connected deep down, and that this is one of the reasons why he has been reacting to his situation the way he has been. Personally, I see the OP as a very very lonely person deep down, perhaps on a subconscious level, who is very easily fixated on any idea/instance/situation that might suggest eternal, undying love.....thus it becomes extremely difficult for him to let go of anything he feels might lead him to what he believes is the ultimate peace of mind.

I don't think no one is "at fault" here. I DO, however, believe this will be a long term project of sorts for the OP, and he must be prepared to deal with it head on by looking within himself, rather than the outside world, for the answers to his questions. For some similar situation might arise in the future with a different girl he might see as "the one", should he choose to overlook the messages sent from his own inner self.