A guy is in a bar sitting on a stool and drinking his fourth beer when a guy comes busting in, grabs him by the shoulders, and starts hollering, "Bill! Bill! You gotta get home! Now! Your damned house is on fire!" So, without a thought, he drops his glass and sprints for the door, knocking over a patron who was on their way in. As he ran down the street and was approaching his car, his heart sank as he remembered that he had left his car keys in the bar beside his cigarettes. So, deciding that it would be faster to just keep running the rest of the way to his house than to turn around, he picked up his pace and took a short cut through a field. But half way across the field, he suddenly comes to a stop, and, leaning against a fence-post, he scratches his head and says to himself, "Wait a minute; what the hell am I running for? My name ain't Bill!"
Ok, thanks for the joke. Let me share with you another one: Q: What is the perfect come back when someone calls you short? A: I might be short but your ugly and I still have time to grow!
did ye hear the joke about the madgic tractor.it drove down the road an turned into a field.:driving::rofl:
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools. What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved. A day without sunshine is like, night. Born free, taxed to death. http://shortestjokes.blogspot.com/2013/03/top-100-funny-jokes.html
whats the best thing that ever happened between England and Ireland ? the Irish sea! :rofl: :smilielol5: :smilielol5: :smilielol5:
A fish saw a fly flying over the lake, and thought that if it dropped down another six inches he was gonna jump up and get that fly. There was also a fisherman on the bank eating a sandwich that saw the fish, and thought that when that fish went after the fly he was going to catch that fish. But there was a mouse that saw the fisherman, and thought that when he went after the fish, he would drop the sandwich, and then that mouse would get the sandwich. A cat saw the mouse, and thought that when the mouse went after the sandwich he'd catch the mouse. Well sure enough, the fly dropped six inches, the fish jumped for the fly, the fisherman dropped his sandwich and went for the fish, the mouse went for the sandwich, and the cat went for the mouse, but missed and fell in the lake. The moral of the story is, ....when a fly drops six inches a pussy gets wet.
#1. Wow-they're sending a manned spaceship to the sun. #2. What? Why they'll burn right up,man. #1. No problem--they're going at night.
Father: You should listen to elders, son. They are more intelligent and they know more. Son: Ok, tell me, who invented telephone? Father: It's Alexander Graham Bell Son: Then, why his father did'nt invent it?
How do you get down off an elephant?...You can't. You get down off a duck. What side of the duck has the most feathers? The outside. Why do elephants have four feet? Six inches won't get there.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LYVbpCX-2cE"]Knock Knock, Dr Who, David Tennant and Bernard Cribbins - YouTube
Did you hear the one about the sterile husband who didn't tell his wife until after she got pregnant? PAX
What does a West Virginia girl say to keep her virginity? ...Get off me dad, you're crushin my smokes. What does a West Virginia boy say to keep his virginity?...Get off me dad, you're crushin my smokes.
A cat is crossing a railway track and gets his tail caught between two rails. He tries desperately to get it out, and then hears a train coming , turns his head to see how close it is. Then, BANG! the train cuts off his head. The moral of the story is: one shouldn't lose one's head over a piece of tail. PAX
A woodpecker from Montana flies to Idaho to check out the bugs and grubs in the trees over there. He lands in a tree and sees this Idaho woodpecker pecking on a tree, but can't get through it. So he flies over and bores through the tree with no problem, and they have a big ol' feast of bugs and grubs, then he flies back to Montana. A week later that Idaho woodpecker flies to Montana to check out the bugs and grubs in the trees over there, and he sees that same Montana woodpecker pecking on a tree, and he's have a hell of a time, just can't get through it. So the Idaho woodpecker flies over and bores through the tree with no problem and they have another big ol' feast of bugs and grubs. And the moral of the story is,...The farther away from home you are, the harder your pecker gets.
A rooster is sitting on a branch on a tree in a farmers yard. A cat sees him and decides the rooster may be an easy lunch. So he starts sneaking up on the rooster but the rooster being as wise as he is, knows that the branch can only hold one of them. Pretty soon the cat gets close enough that the branch starts to give way. The rooster flies off. The branch breaks and the cat falls into a pool of water. The rooster is just sitting there laughing at the cat. The moral of this story : for every wet pussy there is a satisfied cock. PAX
Guy tells a joke about mexicans and his friend says-"you gotta watch those kind of jokes,man". Friend says "I got in big trouble doing that stuff. I was in a bar one time and I told some polish jokes. The bartender "hey dumb-ass--don't you know this bar is full of Polish people?" "Just as he told me that,this big Polish dude came up and pulled a razor on me!!" Damn,man--what did you do?" "I got the hell out of there before he could find a place to plug it in!!"
