My name is Rachel...i'm not totally familiar with the forum format. Forgive me if i've got it all wrong I'm 23 and i've been with my boyfriend for 6 years. I'm pretty sure i'm gay. Its been a niggling thought for years but i've never been quite sure. I've had bad experiences with sexual abuse and have thought perhaps its symptomatic of that. I love my boyfriend dearly but i really don't fancy him. Whenever i've 'liked' a guy its always been more about self validation than actual attraction. I want them to like me but deep down i know i don't like them. I've always known i'm more attracted to women but struggled with the idea of being in a relationship with a girl however thats becoming less of an issue to me. My question is, how do you know of you're gay? I remember when i was around 12 i felt attracted to a female friend of mine and when i was a little younger i used to experiment with another female friend...this always left me feeling very guilty. I do appreciate male sexuality...but it never lasts. i feel like i force myself to like guys. I genuinely don't know. i really don't. I feel utterly confused i feel like i might have worded this in such a way that its almost undeniable that i'm a lesbian Its more of a grey area than it seems. I don't know man...any advice would be greatly appreciated! Even if no one feels they would like to directly advise me it would be great to hear your stories of realisation and coming out as a point of comparison is always helpful. Thanks x
You'd be surprised at how many women go through the EXACT same thought process you're going through. The truth is, you can only go by how you feel inside to determine whether you're "really gay" or not. Women's sexuality is very fluid, and it kind of ebbs and flows over time, so that's probably adding to your uncertainty as well. If you feel as though you're more oriented towards women, then really the only way you're going to confirm that is to engage in a relationship with a woman to find out. First off, you have to realize there's absolutely nothing wrong with being gay. I cannot begin to tell you how much I cherish the fact that I'm attracted to women and can enjoy another woman on an intimate level (and I meant that from far more than just a physical basis). Some girls get freaked out by it, at least initially, but you won't believe how much more intimate a girl-girl relationship can be vs. one between a man and a woman. Second, if you believe this to be true, you need to let your boyfriend know. I'm gonna assume this is going to be a shock to him, so you'll need to find a way to let him know about your feelings, and to communicate to him that this has nothing to do with him personally - explain what you've explained to us. If he's of good character, he'll accept it and you guys can work out some kind of end (temporary or permanent) to your current relationship. Third, get out and explore a relationship with another woman. We don't know anything about where you live or if you're in college, or anything, so it's kind of hard to suggest where you might go to find someone, but there are options for most places. In the end, though, you need to get comfortable with the fact that you may be gay, and decide how you are going to let family and friends know and all of that. I hope that helps in some small way.
Thank you for your warm advice and encouragement... I think my biggest trouble is that i feel uneasy about throwing away a 6 year "investment" if you will and desperately don't want to hurt this kind boy. At the same time i furiously disagree with cheating and would never do anything to dishonour a relationship i'm committed to. I guess i was hoping there was a way to figure it out before i ended the relationship or did anything to hurt an innocent party. Do you think there is any other way to make sense of my feelings without embarking on a relationship with a women? Or do you think my only option is to bite the bullet and experiment?
That's certainly commendable. But you're ultimately responsible for living your life for you - you have to be true to yourself, and if yourself is gay, not wanting to hurt him or not wanting to throw away a 6-year investment are not valid reasons to remain in a relationship. Also commendable. If there's another way, I'm not aware of it. Determining for sure will require you become emotionally and physically intimate with another person, and I'm not sure how you'd do that without compromising your position on cheating. What do you feel right now that makes you believe you might be gay (if you don't mind me asking)?
Right on I feel like i'm gay because sexually i get no gratification from a male. I also feel a solid sense of solidarity for other women...and like i care more what women think of me? I'd be more likely to be drawn to woman or perhaps NOTICE a woman than a man. With men its like "well if he likes ME then cool" With women i'm more fussy. Gillian Michaels should take a lot of responsibility for this I like the feminine look combined with a tough, independent personality. Something is telling me the root of my confusion is the rarity of such a combination. I don't know. I'm beginning to feel like i'm absolutely a lesbian and its just been easier not to acknowledge it. And perhaps due to bad experiences i've sought acceptance and validation from men... I have no idea...
It sounds like whether or not you're ready (or whether or not it's right) to label yourself a lesbian, your current relationship isn't satisfying you. You mention the 6 year 'investment'. Expert investors always advise 'cut your losses' and 'don't throw good money after bad'. Perhaps that sounds harsh, but if the investment isn't giving you any returns, investing more in it is probably not the right thing to do. Of course, outsiders like us on the forum don't know the whole story so you must decide for yourself. But this is how it looks to me from what you've said. Personally, I was pretty slow realising I was a lesbian. The fact that you can describe what type of woman you like already suggests to me you certainly have lesbian leanings...
It is evident that you are not happy in your relationship. If you were, you wouldn't even be thinking about this. The fact that you are tells me you are definitely interested in women. My suggestion is that you end this relationship and figure out who you are. Don't jump into another relationship, but date and experiment and find yourself and what you are comfortable with. It isn't fair to either of you to stay in a relationship when you aren't 100% in it.
I've been lurking around these forums for a couple of months now and this is the post that has finally given me the encouragement to contribute - mainly because I know exactly how you feel. The only difference is that I've been in a relationship with my one and only bf on and off for about 4 years, and my attraction to women was only realised a little over a year ago (I just never really thought about whether I was straight or gay - and leaped at the first person who had ever shown any serious attraction to me). The best advice has already been given but I'd like to add, as I've been told... Nothing is set in stone, so be patient! You don't have to make the decision tomorrow. In saying that however, when all is said and done, if you are gay, i think the relationship will end, one way or another, on it's own - I feel mine falling to pieces as I type this. It's just about taking the advice and acting on it - making sure it doesn't end messily. Sorry if it's too long-winded :S forums are new to me. But I hope it helps! And at least, makes you feel like you're not alone
I was in the same boat you were in, except I never had a boyfriend for more than a few months consecutively and I am attracted to men as well as women, only not as much. So I can understand where you're coming from. I don't know if I can give much advice on how to know if you're a lesbian - if you're not attracted to men and you are attracted to women which seems to be the case, then that's probably your answer. But about your boyfriend - you do seem to genuinely care about him, and that makes it hard to leave him and I understand that. But if you're not happy in the relationship, he's probably aware of it. I doubt he'd want you to be unhappy. It will probably hurt him just as much as it will hurt you, but it needs to be done. You'd be doing both yourself and your boyfriend a huge favor. It's a good bet that you'll still be friends if you break up over this. That's what happened with my partner, at least. She broke up with a guy she was with for about a year when she was in high school, and she says that it broke both of their hearts, but they're best friends today. I don't know if any of this helps, but I hope it does and I hope you find happiness.
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this thread sorta blew my mind when I first read it. I was thinking, "wow, this is me..this is what I have been going through!" I've dated guys, thought I liked, even loved them at times...I am attracted to guys physically, but there is soemthing, some connection, something deeply emotional, even spiritual which is always missing, and as a result of this lacking of a romantic connection, all my relationships with guys have gone down in flames pretty much the exact same way, almost on cue, and always about the same length of time into them. I really sorta thought I was alone in this. I felt as though I was this oddity among women. I feel that bisexuals can swing either way with equal investment of emotion, and that's what makes them "Bi" I feel that lesbians simply are not attracted to guys in anyway, romantically or physically. But I guess this is a much grayer area than I realized and I'm not so alone in my feelings. With guys I find myself trying very hard to like than as more than a friend, and for a time fool myself into thinking I do. It is only when I face my demons about it all that I recognize this. With girls I can fall madly for them easily. Many people assume I am straight because I can "check out guys" with any of my straight friends no problem. I just don't connect with them romantically at all like do with girls.
To all of you trying to find happiness I wish you the best of luck. I denied being gay (even to myself) for the first 30 years of my life. I came out approx. 1 year ago and I haven't been happier. However...I wasn't with my first female until about 2 years ago. She was a bi woman and we started out as friends. It quickly turned to more and she kissed me. The feeling that I had when she kissed me told me right away I was gay lol. Then (long story made short) she broke my heart...but that led me to my gf now. I have never really had relationships with men and I attributed it to not having enough time. The way to know if you are "gay or not" is to really experiment. Good luck.
